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What happens when someone you chose to remove from your life passes on?

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The choice to remove someone from your life is not easy. The decision will be questioned everyday. It can be very hard for another to understand how hard it is to stop talking to someone you love. Someone you wanted to love you in the same unconditional way you love them but that person was unable to love back without causing great pain and turmoil in yourself.

The End

All things come to an end.

A day.
A week.
A month.
A year.

Each of the above pass by, beginning and ending again and again. Each ending comes with a sense of peace, growth and harmony. A life coming to an end is a more significant event than the end of a day. In death a person is at peace even if those closest are not at peace themselves.

This year has been a hard hit for my family. In December, my Grandma passed and although she lasted a lot longer than we expected it still hurt us very much. My mother-in-law passed shortly after in the springtime. That came as a surprise to us and we were not quite ready for it. Shortly after that, I found out the grandmother that I do not speak to was near the end of her journey on this planet.

The Decision

Deciding to refrain from visiting my grandmother before she passed came fairly easy. In life I chose to remove myself from her life. Why would death change that?

Death is not an ending but the beginning of your next chapter. When we meet again, I know my grandmother will have more clarity and understanding than she did in this world. I chose to love her from a distance in order to protect my own soul.

What did not come easily was being questioned about my decision. A few had good intentions and wanted to make sure I did not regret my decision, they supported whatever I decided one hundred percent. I wish I could explain my actions in a way to make everyone understand why but it is just not possible. No person will ever truly understand the grief, fear and other emotions I felt in the presence of those that were toxic to me.

Demons can be faced and overcome. The clarity that comes after facing your own demons allows you to apologize to those that you have wronged and forgive others that have wronged you. Forgiveness and apologies do not mean you will allow toxic behavior in your life. It simply means you have made peace with the byproduct of those toxicities within yourself.

Our human existence has a way of clouding our true potential for compassion for each other. My own mental cloud has not allowed me to be able to open myself up to the mental anguish my toxic family members put me through. From disguised insults to toxic gossip, I choose not to put up with the continual barrage of harmful and negative talk. I choose to live in the light instead of the dark and surround myself with those that brighten my life.

My Wish

I hope my Gram can find peace in the afterlife. I am aware of how much anxiety she had in this life and how that impacted how she treated people. Anxiety is the worst lens to view the world though. I understand her journey and wish her peace.

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Where are my inner children?

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In the last month, I have been decreasing my mood stabilizer and am weening from it. During this time, I have also gotten many tasks at work, been bombarded by the problems of others, my morality has been questioned and my coping skills have been put into action.

My EMDR therapist warned me that as I healed, my expanding energy would become a beacon for others. My eldest inner child originally built her Dracula tower to protect herself from energy suckers. Since my elder inner child has been unprotected from the outside, except for the protection I give, I feel that she may be protecting herself from the current constant bombardment by retreating for the time being.

The universe is testing me. From flat tires, to sick kids, withdrawal symptoms that floored me, and just the regular every day things I have to do as a mother, software developer, and wife; I have been busy but I have also been strong. I have gone through so many worse things than what is currently before me.

Disconnected

My last EMDR session was about me, not a past problem, but a current one. It felt interesting to have a topic in EMDR that was a current issue and not one from the past. I was comforted that a problem I was having was not tied to my mother, my aunt, or my grandmother. It was rather freeing to know that current life can be difficult. Difficult but not because of a reaction to some past event I cannot remember but still triggers me.

It has been quite some time, at least a few weeks since I have been able to connect to either of my inner children. This could mean that me being busy is preventing my inner children from coming forward or it could mean that they have integrated with me.

I believe it is the busyness that is preventing them from being contacted. They simply have no pressing issues and are stepping back; and are allowing me to accomplish what I need to without adding any additional problems to my plate.

Reconnecting

In time I will know for sure if they are integrated or are simply taking a step back. My eldest inner child did not with to rebuild her place of solitude and suppression. My younger inner child rebuilt then grew up only to be blocked by several things at an older age.

Coping

Despite losing touch with my inner children, I have been using my coping tools to get through each day. Day by day, even sometimes hour by hour. It has been hard, but I am getting stronger everyday.

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Mood Stabilizer Withdrawal

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Do not stop taking any medication unless under the care of a licensed professional.

I have been on a mood stabilizer for about five months now. I first started taking it after going to the crisis center in the emergency room.

The Start

The first day I took the mood stabilizer, I had pretty severe anxiety. I was also prescribed an anti anxiety medication for fast acting anxiety relief. I used that at least once during the first week of starting. Eventually, I went from 10mg to 15mg of fluoxetine and stayed at 15mg because it was effective at a low dose.

Progress

After making progress in EMDR and inner child work, my EMDR therapist and talk therapist both agreed that I could try to ween off of the antidepressant. I was instructed by my third therapist, a psychiatrist, to take 10mg for a month then drop down to 5mg for another month.

Going Well

For the first three weeks, I did not notice any changes. It was like I was not even weening off the medications. I thought, hey this is easy!

Previously, I was on a medication for migraines that was also an antidepressant. Weening off that was awful, but short lived thankfully.

The First Signs

It started midweek. I was sitting at my desk unable to focus for more than a few minutes. I could not sit still. I was restless and moving my legs. I started hearing things louder than they really were and had to constantly wear headphones. Music generally helps me focus, but I was unable to find any genre of music to help me.

Downward Spiral

It was not until I started having a sensation of warm water flowing down the back of my leg that I started to wonder what was going on. Shortly after, I became very fatigued. Fatigue and restlessness are the weirdest symptoms you can have simultaneously. Starting things became so cumbersome and I was not able to have longevity in much of anything.

Very quickly, I became exhausted beyond belief, had pains all over my body, insomnia, anxiety, irritability, spotting, clumsiness, hot flashes and chills, and the headaches came and went.

Seeking Guidance

I spoke to all three of my therapists about this. The prescriber of the fluoxetine told me that all these symptoms were, unfortunately, normal and that I was doing the best I can to deal with the symptoms.

Building Anxiety

Yesterday, I finally felt better. I also had EMDR. Up until that point I was dealing with trying to focus at work, take care of my kids, and adulting. All while being so very tired while having simultaneous insomnia. I ended up taking ibuprofen and a fast acting anxiety relief medication to relieve some of the anxiety and other symptoms.

Hidden Fear

While in EMDR, I learned I am actually afraid of coming off the medication.

My fear was related to the need for medication for life. Will I be able to function without it? Will I return to the person I was before I started on my healing journey? Will I go back to the hospital? Can I still be the new happy me without the medication? Is the anxiety returning because I cannot handle life without the meds?

After uncovering this fear, I felt so much better. Mind over matter as the saying goes. And while I felt better before I went to EMDR, I improved so much after learning what was bothering me. I find it amazing that I had no idea this problem was there and why.

I have detoxed from opiates and this is comparable if not worse because it did not improve after a few days of symptoms starting. At least with the opiates it seemed shorter lived. My biggest fear, currently, is wondering if this will happen again when I go down to 5mg in a week. I guess I will just have to proceed and hope for the best!

Through all this I realize that while meds may have helped me get through some of the hard times in EMDR, I do not know that they were absolutely necessary. I have come so far in my healing journey.

I can do this!

If you are having problems weening off a medication, see my page about healthy coping skills and make sure to check in with your doctor too!

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Unhealthy Coping Skills

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During my childhood I learned several unhealthy coping skills without even realizing these things were a part of my daily life.

Fight or Flight

Typically, I learned to run away from my problems. Not only was I not able to accept my emotions, but my mother never validated my emotions. Even now it is hard to explain that some emotions I feel are valid but an incorrect response to the situation. Understanding that your feelings are valid is key. Even if your feeling are overactive, unstable or drastic, they are still your feelings and they are valid. Rewiring the response is key to success.

Fight or flight is an animalistic response to a situation. Do I want to fight? Do I want to flee? Growing up I learned not to fight. Fighting just brought more severe punishments. Often I would bottle up all my emotions and never address them properly. In time, this meant that eventually I would explode in anger. My mother did not stand up for me in times of need. She let her sister reign over her and in turn reign over me.

In parenthood, I experienced several of these instances where I would lose my composure due to improper handling and recognition of my emotions. Now that I have dealt with my natural fight or flight instincts, I do not explode on my children as I used to. This has calmed our household quite a bit. I still have work to do, but progress is being made everyday.

Disassociation

When I was a child my mother would scream at me. I left my body, I was not there. I have many fragmented memories due to disassociation. The sexual abuse that happened to me, I remember it, but I was not there. I removed myself so that I could not feel anything.

In my marriage, I found myself disassociating when a conflict arose. Arguments or disagreements are part of a marriage, but working it out together is necessary. When one of the partners disassociates themselves from the argument in order to protect themselves, communication breaks down. This can affect future communication and limit the depth of future conversations.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is by far one of the most destructive, disruptive and complicated psychological blocks to deal with. Repetition of negative things people have spoken to you in your mind can make you believe you are useless, worthless, ugly and not necessary.

There are several phrases my mother used to speak to me that made me believe I would never amount to anything in my life. She also did not like the way she looked and I learned to mimic that behavior by observing her behavior.

My mother decided to nickname me “Big Bertha” when I gained weight in 9th grade. We lived on five acres, then moved to a home and were not allowed to play outside. We stayed inside not moving very much and gained weight. She even put us on the grapefruit diet when we started gaining more weight from the lack of physical activity. I was forced to drink grapefruit juice every day and basically starve myself so she did not have obese children.

School Success

My mother thought she was perfect back in the days of high school. She told me she got straight A’s, worked and still had time to do whatever she wanted. I have to think this was fabricated. In high school, I worked, did sports, and had regular classes. I was not a straight A student but frequently was on the honor roll. My mother used to tell me “Well, when I was in school I got straight A’s so why can’t you?”

Even to this day, I do not believe school grades matter. What matters is compassion, a strong work ethic, teamwork skills, and organization. None of these things can be taught. They have to be observed in your parents. I was lucky enough to observe these things from my father. He taught me many great things in my youth. Things he may not even realize impacted me in such string ways.

Passive Aggression

My mother is very passive aggressive. Not only can you deflect accusations when you are passive aggressive, but you can also get people to do what you want without conflict.

I remember she once took a desk I had taken out of my room and left in our den. The den was right next to my bedroom. I had to go somewhere and did not have time to dispose of it at that moment. It was not in the way of anyone. No one used the den at all. When I returned home, my mother, in her drunken stupor, had become so enraged that I left garbage in her den that she threw the desk into my room. It got stuck in the entry way and tore a hole in the expensive wallpaper she bought. It was pretty high up too and I remember being surprised that she even had the strength to lift it that high.

Being Defensive

Defensiveness can occur when a person points out an imperfection in you. When you grow up with impossible expectations, fault becomes a larger problem that it really is. Trying to achieve an impossible standard and hating yourself when you cannot reach the ever changing definition of perfection is damaging to the psyche.

This really caused me to suffer after becoming a mother. Every person has advice for you and while some of it may be good, others tend to present their advice in a way that makes you feel like you do not know what you are doing. Let’s face it, what parent does? You do what works best for your family dynamic and that is it. I also beat myself up when I saw other mothers achieving the perfection I thought I was supposed to have. I felt like I was doing my children a disservice by not being good enough for them. I was angry, defensive and felt like my family would be better off without me.

Eating Disorders

Many toxic parents can actually cause eating disorders in their children. Whether it be from comments about the body or other stressors.

While I do not have an eating disorder, I really am surprised I do not. Many of the comments my mother, aunt and grandmother had about my body were terrible. While I am overweight, I generally refrain from eating when stressed which is the opposite of most other people. My body has learned to perform better under pressure. My work quality used to be better when I procrastinated and created my own stress.

Sleeping

Stress and anxiety are physically exhausting. It drains your energy and leaves you with very little energy to do anything else. For some, sleeping away their problems seems to be the solution. This can create more problems as the real problems are being avoided. Sleeping may also exacerbate the problem by preventing you from accomplishing tasks. This can cause more stress and anxiety if too many things need to be addressed at the same time.

Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are some of the major ways in which people self medicate. Both are highly addictive ways to feel better for a short amount of time, however, prolonged use can cause more stress and anxiety much like sleeping your problems away can.

I am fortunate to have survived an opiate addiction. I have not taken opiates since 2008. I am grateful to have the willpower that many do not to free myself from the fate of so many others.

The Start of the Addiction

I started suffering from migraines in 2006. My doctor prescribed me an opiate. Around the same time, I suffered an injury at work. My upper left shoulder had become stiff and unable to move and I could not turn my head to the left. Physical therapy did little to solve this as they did not realize I actually have something called occipital neuralgia, which is a nerve disorder.

The boyfriend I was with at the time is bipolar. He self medicated and did not desire to stabilize his mood with prescription medications. He ended up starting to use opiates to achieve that ever fading manic state he wished to be in constantly.

After suffering from four day long migraines every two weeks, I decided to try a different stronger opiate he had been taking. After some time, I started to enjoy the self confidence that came with taking them. Not to mention the side effects of weight loss which also boosted my confidence. This self confidence did not come without a price. It was a fabricated confidence that took a toll on me physically. My body demanded more opiates every day. At the end of the addiction, I was taking over 400mg of very potent opiates per day. I am not sure of what the typical dosages are for pain, but I do know that this exceeded that by more than a margin.

Breaking Free of the Addiction

After a few years, I decided I could not deal with the ups and downs of addiction anymore. I grew apart from the boyfriend I had at the time. I felt stuck, however, and I felt alone. It took me many months to call my father and tell him what I had been through. My then ex-boyfriend even threatened to tell my father what had been happening. I called my father first since I wanted to tell him. I did not want someone else explaining the situation to him. My father was very caring and brought a moving truck a week later and I left and never looked back.

Detoxing after a two year opiate addiction is the single worst experience I have ever been through. I have had the flu, the stomach flu, Lyme disease and food poisoning. I would take any of these diseases over detoxing off of opiates. I spent a week with chills, sweating, not wanting to move or be alive and throwing up. Everything hurt. It took over a month for me to stop having chills everyday and even longer for chills to not remind me of detoxing and make me feel nauseated.

Coping Well

This list of unhealthy coping mechanisms provides an insight into how our minds and bodies adapt to toxic surroundings. You can change the response. You can stop the cycle. Read about some healthy ways to cope with depression and anxiety here. Take care of yourself inside and out and advocate for your success.

You can succeed. You can achieve your dreams.

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How can inner children change?

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I began connecting with my inner children at least daily since my last EMDR session.

Today was unique.

Both my inner children had significantly changed. The teen inner child was content not rebuilding the city. She had no immediate plans on how to address what was left in the now empty part of my heart she had building for so many years. My younger inner child, however, changed dramatically.

Growing Up

My younger inner child grew up. She now appeared as about age 11. Previously, she was around age 6. Curious about this, I asked my therapist why she would age. She had told me it could be due to her being trapped at age 6 and has moved on. She may now need to work through events that occurred at age 11.

Starting Over

After second grade we moved. I left behind the friends I had since I could remember and a family that was basically like a second family to me. They are the kindest and most caring people you will ever meet and I am blessed to have had them in my life as long as I did.

Along with moving came a new school. I stayed in the public school system for a few years until moving to a private school. I made some friends at the elementary school I attended and am still in contact with some. Again, they are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and are just genuine. Not everyone you meet is as genuine and kind.

A Bit of Background

When I was in public school I met a girl whom I was friends with until we moved, yet again. She was alright and we had fun together until I left the public school system. In fifth grade, I started at a private school. For a half a year everything seemed to be going well. I made friends and even though I was new, they for the most part welcomed me.

The friend I had from elementary school started at the private school. I am not sure what changed, but after that, there are several instances of the kids turning on me and bullying me.

After the bullying became too much to bear, my mother decided to home school my brother and I. Even though I had issues with this girl, my mother decided to home school her as well. I am not sure what thought process made my mother decide to home school someone that I had issues with but she did.

My mom knew all of my problems. She used my problems against me. Whether this was her intent or she was doing it to help someone else out and did not think about how it would affect her daughter.

My kids will never have to spend time with people that do not respect them. If they inform me of wrongdoing, those people will not see my children again. My son has made me proud. He does not take anyone’s shit. He even told me he would like to see my mother so that he could yell at her to be nice to me. His personality is very reflective of his name.

Reinforcing False Beliefs

I don’t think this girl from my childhood was inherently a bad person. I believe she had her own problems that she projected outward. In doing so, my false belief systems were reinforced.

I remember this girl always wanted to play with the “prettiest” doll that had the largest breasts but also the skinniest waist. She had some obsession with obtaining that impossible standard.

When we played together at my house, with my toys, she always picked the best toys for herself. I never objected as doing so may have brought on the same style of false retribution as my mother would have given me for speaking up.

Hearing that these impossible things were necessary from a friend, reinforced the false beliefs that I had to look impossibly perfect and have expensive things in order to be liked.

Uncomfortable Encounters

I have a few vivid still image memories when I was around the same age as my inner child is currently.

One afternoon, my dad and I were pulling into a fast food restaurant. I have no idea what these boys in the car next to us said about me, but my dad was very angry. I know it was related to my body, but not the exact words. The boys were old enough to drive. I was 11. Even now, I can feel how angry my dad was. All I can think is that it must have been terrible.

Around the same time, I was in the gym of my school and one of the boys commented on my breasts. They were not even large enough for a bra at the time but at the point that they were developing.

Connections

All these events are related to my dislike of the way I look and reinforced false beliefs my mother, aunt, and grandmother had instilled in me at a young age.

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What does Innoscaped stand for?

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Originally, my pen name was going to be Innocent Scapegoat with the website also sharing that name. When I went to look for domains and social media accounts, I realized that for a better user experience something shorter would be needed.

A scapegoat is generally defined as a person onto which blame is placed. In a narcissistic household, the scapegoat child is the one who gets blamed for the narcissist’s problems. In some cases the scapegoat child also gets blamed for the problems of other children in the household.

I was the scapegoat in the family. I was also the whistle blower. None of my friends really believed everything I told them or thought I was exaggerating. I still shared all the terrible things that happened to me growing up anyway. They simply could not fathom a mother behaving in such a way.

Some adults still do not understand how a parent could act like that to their child. They simply are blind to their own struggle, left thinking that they have to like their parents because either the bible or society says we need to, or actually had genuinely great parents.

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How can I cope with anxiety?

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While in therapy I have learned several techniques for coping with anxiety and depression. While some of them may work better for you than others, when applied they can readily reduce the strength of your feelings.

Typically we have the same responses to triggers when they occur. We freeze, run or fight. Knowing that at our core we have an animal response to triggers can help you determine the best techniques to help you.

Music

Music is empowering. It can pump you up, make you sleepy or relax you. Music can also make you angry and bring up bad memories. Music that causes anxiety or makes your anxiety worse should be avoided. You may not know what types of music cause this for you and the process may be experimental. In the mean time if you are triggered by a musical piece, use the rest of the techniques listed here to help you.

There are several types of music that when my husband listens to them I would think he was mad. This caused me a great deal of anxiety. Now I understand that those songs do not have the same affect for him that they do for me.

Get Outside

Just relax in a hammock and take in the air. Do some gardening. Go to the beach. There are so many things you can do outside and sometimes just being outside can calm you. If you cannot get outside, look out the window or open it for some fresh air.

Exercise

Exercising can be great for your emotional state. Not only will endorphins be released but in time you will gain confidence if you begin losing weight. Finding motivation to exercise can be tricky if you suffer from low self esteem or have other issues blocking you from succeeding. In my case I am blocked from exercising by my desires to not live up to my mother’s standards for me while simultaneously feeling bad for not being “perfect.” It is a very complicated state to exist in.

Essential Oils

Essential oil blends can be very helpful in treating anxiety. I actually have a blend called liquid xanax and find that when anxiety strikes it does help calm me. There are so many blends and varieties that can really help with physical and mental ailments. The oil can be applied to the skin diluted with coconut oil, diffused or added to a piece of jewelry designed to hold full strength oil. There are even oils safe to use on babies but in a different dilution amount. Example clove oil is great for teething babies.

Breathing Techniques

Controlling your breath can actually slow down your neural responses so that next time you encounter a similar event you will actually react less. There are several other benefits you can read about on Psychology Today, including but not limited to memory improvements, blood pressure regulation, and improving your metabolism.

Not only does breathing calm your emotional response, it also can stop anxiety in its tracks. Breathing in the moment can break up energy and release it from your body.

Talk to an Ally

If you have a person you are close to that can help you get through a bout of anxiety, ask for help if you need it. I would warn on becoming dependent or codependent on that person to calm you down. Save it for emergencies when you are losing your own self control and need someone to reason with your brain for you.

Breaking the Thought Wave

Breaking the thought wave can be very beneficial as a distraction from whatever is causing you anxiety. It provides a quick remedy to deal with sudden onset anxiety.

Find any object you can see. Use this image of a coffee mug as an example.

Ask yourself the following questions:

What color is it?
What shape is it?
Are there words on it?
Use an adjective to describe it.
What is it used for?

Add in any other things you need to until you calm down. Describe several objects if you run out of ways to describe the original one you chose.

Find the Source

Anxiety is your psyche screaming to you for attention. It could be an inner child that needs something from you. I have several posts that relate to my inner children and the anxiety that they brought up when they desired to be heard. It could be a memory triggered by an event that occurred but you don’t know what that is or how it relates to the present. Either way it is telling you something much in the way the body tells you with pain that something is wrong.

Listen to it.

If you are not strong enough to let the feeling take you over and dig into it to find the root cause on your own then seek help from a therapist.

Most anxiety is related to a memory or an emotional response to a memory you can’t summon. When you grow up in a toxic environment you learn to suppress feelings and find unhealthy ways to deal with your problems. These coping mechanisms do not work in real life. You will worry when there is nothing to worry about because life has told you that you have to be vigilant.

Before I started EMDR, there were times that I would come home and my husband would be cleaning. I would instantly become anxious. I had no idea that this was because of my mother. My mother was very clean. She often would criticize my bedroom and keep my friends from coming over unless it was completely spotless. Now that I have resolved that part of me, I am much more relaxed and can take care of myself before the dishes without feeling guilty for doing something for myself first.

Remove Toxicity From Your Life

While difficult, removing people that cause you anxiety or are toxic from your life is a way to calm your anxiety. Typically, those with toxic upbringings tend to allow toxic people to remain in their lives, partly due to the desire to avoid conflict and partly because it is what you know and it is comfortable.

I removed several people from my life who were not treating me or my family with the respect we deserved. My mother, my aunt, my grandmother and a few friends. After realizing that my friends were also toxic for me breaking off the friendship was pretty difficult since it was a confrontation. While cowardly, I delivered the news via text message. I wish I had the strength then that I do now to face them and tell them my true feelings.

What Works For You?

Apart from the techniques I have listed here, experiment with self care. Take an art class, a dance class or pick up an instrument and learn to play it. Read a book. Sing. Get some clay. Go for a hike.

Find the thing that heals you.

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Why did I dislike visiting my grandfather?

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I left home when I was 20 years old. Up until that moment, my family would periodically go visit my grandfather. We always had a pretty good time together although he couldn’t do much as he was on oxygen most of my entire life.

I believe my mom harbored some sort of resentment towards my grandfather because he lived with my aunt and her sons. In that situation there is going to be some sort of different treatment, I suppose. I never saw any difference in the way I was treated by my grandfather, except for maybe that I was a girl and he did more activities with the boys. He never made me feel any less loved.

I can’t say I have any specific or memorable moments hanging out with my grandfather except for one.

Love

Once when I was older, I went to visit my grandfather on my own without my family. When it was time for me to leave I gave him a hug and he learned in and gave me a big kiss on my cheek and told me he loved me. I cannot remember a time when he expressed his love for me like that. Not that it didn’t happen, I just don’t remember it. In that moment I knew he was rooting for me and really wanted to see me succeed.

Why did I stay away?

Generally, when I went to visit my grandfather, my aunt was always present, see my toxic family tree here. You can also read about how she treated me here and here. She lived with my grandfather in his attic and also in his spare bedroom in the previous home he rented. I actually can’t remember a time I visited him and my aunt was not present.

Even on his death bed I was not given the privacy to say goodbye. My aunt stayed in the room with me the entire time. I am pretty awkward when it comes to death and I can be very unsentimental in things to say. Add in the fact that I felt like I was being watched like a kleptomaniac by a person I would rather not coexist with and needless to say, I was extra uncomfortable.

My care and concern live within me but rarely is it something that sees the light. I believe this is due to the knowledge that these things are exploitable.

Hospital Visit

I visited my grandfather once in the hospital a few years prior to his death while I was in college. I brought along my math homework with me since I knew we were going to be there for awhile. My grades were important to me so that I could keep my grades up to get my degree and keep my grant. Loudly, my aunt proclaimed how disrespectful I was and made me give up my seat to someone more deserving. I remember waiting in the hallway away from my entire family. I do not remember who but one family member came to talk to me about it and had my back.

Boasting

I noted that when we came to visit she was always there and seemed to always commandeer the conversation to spread her youngest son’s accomplishments. Not that we were not proud of him, but it seemed like she enjoyed having us over so that she could brag to someone new. Any accomplishments I brought forth were always dismissed and did not seem worthy of her attention. I am actually a successful individual. I just needed some time to find my passion.

I have coined the term “alpha narc” for my aunt as she is the one in control of my mother and grandmother, or at least it seems that way to me.

No Regrets

I know my grandfather and I may not have had a lot of time together during the end of his life but I regularly find ways to speak to him. While I do not have any regrets, I hope he knows how much I care about him.

Unfortunately due to his wishes I will never be able to visit his body. I was told his ashes were scattered in another country, but apparently that was untrue. It seems I have to question everything I have ever been told.

All I can do is to keep sending my energy and wishes to him in the hopes that it finds him wherever he may be.

Love you Pop-Pop.

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My Graduation Party

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While my graduation party was fun in some ways, I do not remember it being about me. The party was used as a vessel for my mom to show off. She always threw expensive themed parties for the neighborhood including menus of lobster and shrimp.

I hated the constant parties, but it was really the only time I ate well. She usually was cooking dinner for our neighbors and leaving us with ramen, canned pasta, and boxed mac and cheese. Despite the fact that she went to chef school, I never did ever like her cooking. I finally realized what good food was when I started cooking for myself. Part of me wonders if this was an intentional form of abuse or if she just was so consumed by making others like her that our care fell to the wayside.

Memories Lost

My dad told me that my grandparents came to see me graduate, but I not remember them being there. We have a photo with my cousin, but not one with them. I am sure we took one, or did my mom insist that we could not? I know she did not allow them to stay at our home. My mom had some sort of ill will towards my dad’s mother who is a little bit odd but has all good intentions and love in her heart.

Part of me wonders if my mother somehow erased their presence from my mind. My mother is very good at making me second guess my sanity and my own memories. There have been many times in my life when I bring up the past and she either jokes it off or insists it never happened, see my post here about the carnival.

Since my grandparents have now both passed on, it causes me a great deal of pain to know that I cannot remember their presence in that moment. I have to hope they know I love them and that they should not have been forgotten. High school was definitely one of the hardest times in my life. Most people I talk to would love to go back and enjoyed every minute of it.

The Party

We had a pool when I was in high school. The graduation party had all the neighbors in attendance along with a few of my friends from school. A friend of mine decided to show up and DJ and a friend of his came and surprised me by juggled fire. It was a pretty amazing impromptu addition to the party although not part of the original plan my mom had. Of course she was down for it because it actually made her party better.

The pool and the fire juggler.

Apart from the time I spent with my friends, I feel like the party was more for my mother. There are several pictures of her dancing with my friends.

My mom enjoying the party and dancing.

There is a photo of someone I care about sitting alone having dinner during the party. That person was forced to socialize with us. I wish they had a better time. I wish I had taken the time to include them in the celebration.

However, I am glad I took the photo because it serves as a reminder of how miserable we really were. I recently found a family photo from when I was about eight years old. My dad’s side of the family was all smiles. My family and I were all scowling.

Why?

Simply that my mother was suppressing our happiness. That photo really shows the narcissistic influence. There are several other photos that really show how miserable we really were and I am glad for this validation when I see them. It reminds me of what was truly happening in those moments.

Big social events are not really my thing when I am the center of attention so while it was fun and my friends showed up and really out did themselves for me, it also was not. Attention for me usually meant bad things so I made a point to stay pretty invisible my entire life. If I was not even at the party it would have been exactly the same. At least I feel like it would have been.

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A City in Ruin

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When I returned to the city, all the buildings had fallen, except one. My teen inner child had torn them all down one by one. We ran through the streets as she showed me everything she had torn down.

We stopped.

The Tower

Before us stood a tower resembling something a vampire would live in. The symbology of the tower is actually related to the life blood of her being sucked out. She built this fortress to protect herself from those that sought to take away all she is.

We slowly started to ascend the stairs to the tower. Each step bringing us closer and closer to the top.

The Helper

While we were ascending the stairs, my younger inner child appeared and began cleaning up the rubble left behind from the houses. Apparently she likes to stay busy building, fixing, and helping.

The Shock Wave

My therapist asked me if my teen inner child was willing to entertain the idea of letting all this go. When I asked her she flew out of the tower window and emitted a shock wave which immediately cleared all the rubble and sent my younger inner child flying out of the teen’s space.

The younger inner child began to argue with the teen and it took some time to explain that this was her space and while she was helpful trying to clean up. the teen is healing and that is part of her healing.

Appearance Change

My teen inner child landed in front of me facing away from me. She began to change. He long hair became tied up in a messy bun. Her dress changed into jeans and a hoodie, much like what I was wearing in therapy that day.

Imploding

After the teen changed her appearance she began to implode. All the energy she had left was being sent within. She did not wish to hurt the younger inner child again. My therapist directed her to let it out, rather than in.

Evasion

My teen inner child transformed into a detective and began dropping hints you might find in a certain board game you solve mysteries in. She was not owning up to her desire to let things go. She was dropping things in a way that did not require her to take ownership of it, but rather a puzzle for me to figure out.

The Tower Transforms

After some coaxing, the teen decided to transform the tower into a block stacking game where you move one piece at a time until it falls down. Apparently my teen inner child likes board games! She asked the young inner child and I to join her in playing until it collapses.

As of now, it still stands.