Month: March 2019

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Where are my inner children?

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In the last month, I have been decreasing my mood stabilizer and am weening from it. During this time, I have also gotten many tasks at work, been bombarded by the problems of others, my morality has been questioned and my coping skills have been put into action.

My EMDR therapist warned me that as I healed, my expanding energy would become a beacon for others. My eldest inner child originally built her Dracula tower to protect herself from energy suckers. Since my elder inner child has been unprotected from the outside, except for the protection I give, I feel that she may be protecting herself from the current constant bombardment by retreating for the time being.

The universe is testing me. From flat tires, to sick kids, withdrawal symptoms that floored me, and just the regular every day things I have to do as a mother, software developer, and wife; I have been busy but I have also been strong. I have gone through so many worse things than what is currently before me.

Disconnected

My last EMDR session was about me, not a past problem, but a current one. It felt interesting to have a topic in EMDR that was a current issue and not one from the past. I was comforted that a problem I was having was not tied to my mother, my aunt, or my grandmother. It was rather freeing to know that current life can be difficult. Difficult but not because of a reaction to some past event I cannot remember but still triggers me.

It has been quite some time, at least a few weeks since I have been able to connect to either of my inner children. This could mean that me being busy is preventing my inner children from coming forward or it could mean that they have integrated with me.

I believe it is the busyness that is preventing them from being contacted. They simply have no pressing issues and are stepping back; and are allowing me to accomplish what I need to without adding any additional problems to my plate.

Reconnecting

In time I will know for sure if they are integrated or are simply taking a step back. My eldest inner child did not with to rebuild her place of solitude and suppression. My younger inner child rebuilt then grew up only to be blocked by several things at an older age.

Coping

Despite losing touch with my inner children, I have been using my coping tools to get through each day. Day by day, even sometimes hour by hour. It has been hard, but I am getting stronger everyday.

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Mood Stabilizer Withdrawal

Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.

Do not stop taking any medication unless under the care of a licensed professional.

I have been on a mood stabilizer for about five months now. I first started taking it after going to the crisis center in the emergency room.

The Start

The first day I took the mood stabilizer, I had pretty severe anxiety. I was also prescribed an anti anxiety medication for fast acting anxiety relief. I used that at least once during the first week of starting. Eventually, I went from 10mg to 15mg of fluoxetine and stayed at 15mg because it was effective at a low dose.

Progress

After making progress in EMDR and inner child work, my EMDR therapist and talk therapist both agreed that I could try to ween off of the antidepressant. I was instructed by my third therapist, a psychiatrist, to take 10mg for a month then drop down to 5mg for another month.

Going Well

For the first three weeks, I did not notice any changes. It was like I was not even weening off the medications. I thought, hey this is easy!

Previously, I was on a medication for migraines that was also an antidepressant. Weening off that was awful, but short lived thankfully.

The First Signs

It started midweek. I was sitting at my desk unable to focus for more than a few minutes. I could not sit still. I was restless and moving my legs. I started hearing things louder than they really were and had to constantly wear headphones. Music generally helps me focus, but I was unable to find any genre of music to help me.

Downward Spiral

It was not until I started having a sensation of warm water flowing down the back of my leg that I started to wonder what was going on. Shortly after, I became very fatigued. Fatigue and restlessness are the weirdest symptoms you can have simultaneously. Starting things became so cumbersome and I was not able to have longevity in much of anything.

Very quickly, I became exhausted beyond belief, had pains all over my body, insomnia, anxiety, irritability, spotting, clumsiness, hot flashes and chills, and the headaches came and went.

Seeking Guidance

I spoke to all three of my therapists about this. The prescriber of the fluoxetine told me that all these symptoms were, unfortunately, normal and that I was doing the best I can to deal with the symptoms.

Building Anxiety

Yesterday, I finally felt better. I also had EMDR. Up until that point I was dealing with trying to focus at work, take care of my kids, and adulting. All while being so very tired while having simultaneous insomnia. I ended up taking ibuprofen and a fast acting anxiety relief medication to relieve some of the anxiety and other symptoms.

Hidden Fear

While in EMDR, I learned I am actually afraid of coming off the medication.

My fear was related to the need for medication for life. Will I be able to function without it? Will I return to the person I was before I started on my healing journey? Will I go back to the hospital? Can I still be the new happy me without the medication? Is the anxiety returning because I cannot handle life without the meds?

After uncovering this fear, I felt so much better. Mind over matter as the saying goes. And while I felt better before I went to EMDR, I improved so much after learning what was bothering me. I find it amazing that I had no idea this problem was there and why.

I have detoxed from opiates and this is comparable if not worse because it did not improve after a few days of symptoms starting. At least with the opiates it seemed shorter lived. My biggest fear, currently, is wondering if this will happen again when I go down to 5mg in a week. I guess I will just have to proceed and hope for the best!

Through all this I realize that while meds may have helped me get through some of the hard times in EMDR, I do not know that they were absolutely necessary. I have come so far in my healing journey.

I can do this!

If you are having problems weening off a medication, see my page about healthy coping skills and make sure to check in with your doctor too!