Am I a narcissist?

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If you are asking yourself this question then you are most likely not a narcissist.

Narcissistic traits like being controlling, being unable to relax, acting different in public versus at home, and having trouble admitting mistakes can all be present in those who are not narcissists. It does not mean you are narcissistic. Instead, you learned how to be human from a narcissist.

I once confronted my mother about her narcissism. See my post here that explains the events leading up to the confrontation.

Why do I worry about being a narcissist?

As a parent, I sometimes lose my patience with my kids, my anxiety spikes and I lash out. Afterwards, I am overcome with immediate guilt and fear that I am just like my mother.

I see many similarities in my mother and myself which does not mean I am a narcissist. She is a person after all and people at their cores share many similarities

Why does anxiety feel like narcissism?

Anxiety.

Anxiety is the biggest factor in why I feel narcissistic sometimes. My anxiety builds actually mimics narcissistic behaviors.

I used to be severely controlling of every aspect of my life. I was unable to relax, alert to every possible problem that could arise. Anxiety made me feel the need to control everything.

If I was not in control ,then something bad was surely going to happen. If things did not work out as expected, I got angry. This totally feels like narcissism and the calm before the storm.

Why do I act differently in public than at home?

At home you are in your comfort zone, you feel comfortable showing your family everything, including anger.

When I was young, I learned to behave differently at home than I did in the public eye. My mother dressed up with full make up to go to the grocery store. She could not be seen unless she presented herself this way.

My mother acted completely different to friends than she did to us. There were times she would cook expensive meals for her friends and leave us with boxed mac and cheese for dinner. I too picked this up as a behavioral norm but have since realized my family comes first.

The hardest thing I learned growing up was that the approval of others defined me and if someone did not like me that reflected badly on my mother. I have since learned that if someone does not like the person that I truly am, they do not belong in my life.

Why do I have trouble admitting my mistakes?

There are so many things that do not go right everyday. When a mistake is made by a person it does not immediately mean they are inherently bad. That person is learning. Mistakes make us better people unless the mistake is made by someone whose main focus has been to be seen as perfect to avoid any backlash from their toxic parent.

When you are constantly told to be an ever changing definition of perfect, mistakes become a huge problem. The perfection sought is never reachable and morphs every second. The problem with admitting mistakes is that you are now no longer living up to the standards you think other people have for you. Standards that do not matter, but are overpowering in your daily life.

Healing

Once you understand yourself and how anxiety and your upbringing can mimic narcissism you can then begin to heal. Be more compassionate to yourself and to the experiences that make up the life you had as a child. No one is perfect and we all need to know that who we are is not defined by others.