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The choice to remove someone from your life is not easy. The decision will be questioned everyday. It can be very hard for another to understand how hard it is to stop talking to someone you love. Someone you wanted to love you in the same unconditional way you love them but that person was unable to love back without causing great pain and turmoil in yourself.
The End
All things come to an end.
A day.
A week.
A month.
A year.
Each of the above pass by, beginning and ending again and again. Each ending comes with a sense of peace, growth and harmony. A life coming to an end is a more significant event than the end of a day. In death a person is at peace even if those closest are not at peace themselves.
This year has been a hard hit for my family. In December, my Grandma passed and although she lasted a lot longer than we expected it still hurt us very much. My mother-in-law passed shortly after in the springtime. That came as a surprise to us and we were not quite ready for it. Shortly after that, I found out the grandmother that I do not speak to was near the end of her journey on this planet.
The Decision
Deciding to refrain from visiting my grandmother before she passed came fairly easy. In life I chose to remove myself from her life. Why would death change that?
Death is not an ending but the beginning of your next chapter. When we meet again, I know my grandmother will have more clarity and understanding than she did in this world. I chose to love her from a distance in order to protect my own soul.
What did not come easily was being questioned about my decision. A few had good intentions and wanted to make sure I did not regret my decision, they supported whatever I decided one hundred percent. I wish I could explain my actions in a way to make everyone understand why but it is just not possible. No person will ever truly understand the grief, fear and other emotions I felt in the presence of those that were toxic to me.
Demons can be faced and overcome. The clarity that comes after facing your own demons allows you to apologize to those that you have wronged and forgive others that have wronged you. Forgiveness and apologies do not mean you will allow toxic behavior in your life. It simply means you have made peace with the byproduct of those toxicities within yourself.
Our human existence has a way of clouding our true potential for compassion for each other. My own mental cloud has not allowed me to be able to open myself up to the mental anguish my toxic family members put me through. From disguised insults to toxic gossip, I choose not to put up with the continual barrage of harmful and negative talk. I choose to live in the light instead of the dark and surround myself with those that brighten my life.
My Wish
I hope my Gram can find peace in the afterlife. I am aware of how much anxiety she had in this life and how that impacted how she treated people. Anxiety is the worst lens to view the world though. I understand her journey and wish her peace.
