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Originally, my pen name was going to be Innocent Scapegoat with the website also sharing that name. When I went to look for domains and social media accounts, I realized that for a better user experience something shorter would be needed.
A scapegoat is generally defined as a person onto which blame is placed. In a narcissistic household, the scapegoat child is the one who gets blamed for the narcissist’s problems. In some cases the scapegoat child also gets blamed for the problems of other children in the household.
I was the scapegoat in the family. I was also the whistle blower. None of my friends really believed everything I told them or thought I was exaggerating. I still shared all the terrible things that happened to me growing up anyway. They simply could not fathom a mother behaving in such a way.
Some adults still do not understand how a parent could act like that to their child. They simply are blind to their own struggle, left thinking that they have to like their parents because either the bible or society says we need to, or actually had genuinely great parents.
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While my graduation party was fun in some ways, I do not remember it being about me. The party was used as a vessel for my mom to show off. She always threw expensive themed parties for the neighborhood including menus of lobster and shrimp.
I hated the constant parties, but it was really the only time I ate well. She usually was cooking dinner for our neighbors and leaving us with ramen, canned pasta, and boxed mac and cheese. Despite the fact that she went to chef school, I never did ever like her cooking. I finally realized what good food was when I started cooking for myself. Part of me wonders if this was an intentional form of abuse or if she just was so consumed by making others like her that our care fell to the wayside.
Memories Lost
My dad told me that my grandparents came to see me graduate, but I not remember them being there. We have a photo with my cousin, but not one with them. I am sure we took one, or did my mom insist that we could not? I know she did not allow them to stay at our home. My mom had some sort of ill will towards my dad’s mother who is a little bit odd but has all good intentions and love in her heart.
Part of me wonders if my mother somehow erased their presence from my mind. My mother is very good at making me second guess my sanity and my own memories. There have been many times in my life when I bring up the past and she either jokes it off or insists it never happened, see my post here about the carnival.
Since my grandparents have now both passed on, it causes me a great deal of pain to know that I cannot remember their presence in that moment. I have to hope they know I love them and that they should not have been forgotten. High school was definitely one of the hardest times in my life. Most people I talk to would love to go back and enjoyed every minute of it.
The Party
We had a pool when I was in high school. The graduation party had all the neighbors in attendance along with a few of my friends from school. A friend of mine decided to show up and DJ and a friend of his came and surprised me by juggled fire. It was a pretty amazing impromptu addition to the party although not part of the original plan my mom had. Of course she was down for it because it actually made her party better.
The pool and the fire juggler.
Apart from the time I spent with my friends, I feel like the party was more for my mother. There are several pictures of her dancing with my friends.
My mom enjoying the party and dancing.
There is a photo of someone I care about sitting alone having dinner during the party. That person was forced to socialize with us. I wish they had a better time. I wish I had taken the time to include them in the celebration.
However, I am glad I took the photo because it serves as a reminder of how miserable we really were. I recently found a family photo from when I was about eight years old. My dad’s side of the family was all smiles. My family and I were all scowling.
Why?
Simply that my mother was suppressing our happiness. That photo really shows the narcissistic influence. There are several other photos that really show how miserable we really were and I am glad for this validation when I see them. It reminds me of what was truly happening in those moments.
Big social events are not really my thing when I am the center of attention so while it was fun and my friends showed up and really out did themselves for me, it also was not. Attention for me usually meant bad things so I made a point to stay pretty invisible my entire life. If I was not even at the party it would have been exactly the same. At least I feel like it would have been.
