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I left home when I was 20 years old. Up until that moment, my family would periodically go visit my grandfather. We always had a pretty good time together although he couldn’t do much as he was on oxygen most of my entire life.
I believe my mom harbored some sort of resentment towards my grandfather because he lived with my aunt and her sons. In that situation there is going to be some sort of different treatment, I suppose. I never saw any difference in the way I was treated by my grandfather, except for maybe that I was a girl and he did more activities with the boys. He never made me feel any less loved.
I can’t say I have any specific or memorable moments hanging out with my grandfather except for one.
Love
Once when I was older, I went to visit my grandfather on my own without my family. When it was time for me to leave I gave him a hug and he learned in and gave me a big kiss on my cheek and told me he loved me. I cannot remember a time when he expressed his love for me like that. Not that it didn’t happen, I just don’t remember it. In that moment I knew he was rooting for me and really wanted to see me succeed.
Why did I stay away?
Generally, when I went to visit my grandfather, my aunt was always present, see my toxic family tree here. You can also read about how she treated me here and here. She lived with my grandfather in his attic and also in his spare bedroom in the previous home he rented. I actually can’t remember a time I visited him and my aunt was not present.
Even on his death bed I was not given the privacy to say goodbye. My aunt stayed in the room with me the entire time. I am pretty awkward when it comes to death and I can be very unsentimental in things to say. Add in the fact that I felt like I was being watched like a kleptomaniac by a person I would rather not coexist with and needless to say, I was extra uncomfortable.
My care and concern live within me but rarely is it something that sees the light. I believe this is due to the knowledge that these things are exploitable.
Hospital Visit
I visited my grandfather once in the hospital a few years prior to his death while I was in college. I brought along my math homework with me since I knew we were going to be there for awhile. My grades were important to me so that I could keep my grades up to get my degree and keep my grant. Loudly, my aunt proclaimed how disrespectful I was and made me give up my seat to someone more deserving. I remember waiting in the hallway away from my entire family. I do not remember who but one family member came to talk to me about it and had my back.
Boasting
I noted that when we came to visit she was always there and seemed to always commandeer the conversation to spread her youngest son’s accomplishments. Not that we were not proud of him, but it seemed like she enjoyed having us over so that she could brag to someone new. Any accomplishments I brought forth were always dismissed and did not seem worthy of her attention. I am actually a successful individual. I just needed some time to find my passion.
I have coined the term “alpha narc” for my aunt as she is the one in control of my mother and grandmother, or at least it seems that way to me.
No Regrets
I know my grandfather and I may not have had a lot of time together during the end of his life but I regularly find ways to speak to him. While I do not have any regrets, I hope he knows how much I care about him.
Unfortunately due to his wishes I will never be able to visit his body. I was told his ashes were scattered in another country, but apparently that was untrue. It seems I have to question everything I have ever been told.
All I can do is to keep sending my energy and wishes to him in the hopes that it finds him wherever he may be.
Love you Pop-Pop.