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Self Doubt
Apart from normal mom guilt that everyone experiences, I have endured guilt from unknown sources within me. It makes me question every decision., listen to those that doubt me and use their doubts as fuel to guilt myself. The cycle of guilt ran rampant in my heart and I had several mood swings and outbursts.
Fear
When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was initially excited because we already have a son. That excitement faded to fear. Fear that she would become like I am. Fear that I would not be able to break the cycle of abuse. Fear that one day she may never talk to me again. Fear that I would hurt her the way others have hurt me.
Anger
Parenting after childhood trauma made me angry. Before I had kids, I was carefree. Now, I felt trapped. I was angry for not being able to take care of my children as well as other mom’s do. I was angry for not keeping the house as clean as I thought it should be. I was angry when my children defied me. I was angry with life. Everything made me angry and I felt like I was stuck in a repetitive cycle where days turned into weeks which turned to months. I did not take care of myself and felt obligated to do more for others than I should have.
Worthlessness
My son used to be all about Daddy. He loves Daddy. At some point my mind twisted the love of my son into a competition against my husband. I would get angry, feel useless and think there was no point to my existence in this family. I thought everyone would be happier if I lived somewhere else and did not come back.
How to fix it?
In order to get rid of the anger, the fear, the self doubt, the worthlessness and obtain peace, I have trudge through the dark places in my heart. For an example, see my post about the battle my youngest inner child endured.
This has been the hardest yet most fulfilling part of my life. I have been in therapy, in EMDR therapy, temporarily taken mood stabilizers and taken time to take care of myself.
The only way to get better is to go through it and shed light on the dark places of your heart.