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I began connecting with my inner children at least daily since my last EMDR session.
Today was unique.
Both my inner children had significantly changed. The teen inner child was content not rebuilding the city. She had no immediate plans on how to address what was left in the now empty part of my heart she had building for so many years. My younger inner child, however, changed dramatically.
Growing Up
My younger inner child grew up. She now appeared as about age 11. Previously, she was around age 6. Curious about this, I asked my therapist why she would age. She had told me it could be due to her being trapped at age 6 and has moved on. She may now need to work through events that occurred at age 11.
Starting Over
After second grade we moved. I left behind the friends I had since I could remember and a family that was basically like a second family to me. They are the kindest and most caring people you will ever meet and I am blessed to have had them in my life as long as I did.
Along with moving came a new school. I stayed in the public school system for a few years until moving to a private school. I made some friends at the elementary school I attended and am still in contact with some. Again, they are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and are just genuine. Not everyone you meet is as genuine and kind.
A Bit of Background
When I was in public school I met a girl whom I was friends with until we moved, yet again. She was alright and we had fun together until I left the public school system. In fifth grade, I started at a private school. For a half a year everything seemed to be going well. I made friends and even though I was new, they for the most part welcomed me.
The friend I had from elementary school started at the private school. I am not sure what changed, but after that, there are several instances of the kids turning on me and bullying me.
After the bullying became too much to bear, my mother decided to home school my brother and I. Even though I had issues with this girl, my mother decided to home school her as well. I am not sure what thought process made my mother decide to home school someone that I had issues with but she did.
My mom knew all of my problems. She used my problems against me. Whether this was her intent or she was doing it to help someone else out and did not think about how it would affect her daughter.
My kids will never have to spend time with people that do not respect them. If they inform me of wrongdoing, those people will not see my children again. My son has made me proud. He does not take anyone’s shit. He even told me he would like to see my mother so that he could yell at her to be nice to me. His personality is very reflective of his name.
Reinforcing False Beliefs
I don’t think this girl from my childhood was inherently a bad person. I believe she had her own problems that she projected outward. In doing so, my false belief systems were reinforced.
I remember this girl always wanted to play with the “prettiest” doll that had the largest breasts but also the skinniest waist. She had some obsession with obtaining that impossible standard.
When we played together at my house, with my toys, she always picked the best toys for herself. I never objected as doing so may have brought on the same style of false retribution as my mother would have given me for speaking up.
Hearing that these impossible things were necessary from a friend, reinforced the false beliefs that I had to look impossibly perfect and have expensive things in order to be liked.
Uncomfortable Encounters
I have a few vivid still image memories when I was around the same age as my inner child is currently.
One afternoon, my dad and I were pulling into a fast food restaurant. I have no idea what these boys in the car next to us said about me, but my dad was very angry. I know it was related to my body, but not the exact words. The boys were old enough to drive. I was 11. Even now, I can feel how angry my dad was. All I can think is that it must have been terrible.
Around the same time, I was in the gym of my school and one of the boys commented on my breasts. They were not even large enough for a bra at the time but at the point that they were developing.
Connections
All these events are related to my dislike of the way I look and reinforced false beliefs my mother, aunt, and grandmother had instilled in me at a young age.