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Today, while I was at work I began to feel anxiety. I had been lethargic all weekend. I needed to find out what was going on.
Earlier this morning, my inner child and I painted the wall vibrantly in many colors and patterns. In doing so , the anxiety temporarily subsided, but got gradually louder as the day progressed.
The Voice
After I picked up my daughter from daycare, I connected with my inner child on the way home. I asked her if she would go with me to the wall. She agreed.
As we approached the wall I began to sense what was on the other side. Anger, fear, confusion, and discontent emanated from the steel prison.
I wait. I listen. I feel.
At last comes a voice. “How could you understand? No one ever understands!”
Thoughts of the Past
I begin to decipher what this statement means and come to the conclusion that it must be related to my high school years. During those years, I had several friends that did not believe my mother could be this horrible monster I described.
My friends never saw her rage, gas lighting, extortionism, guilt tripping, and downright cruelty. Acts saved for the people closest to her, the ones that did not do as she asked, the ones that choose to shine light onto her black heart.
One day during the summer after I graduated from high school, I came home to a door with different locks. I climbed through the window, scraped my arm, and went to bed. Later on, she told me she did not expect me to break in and that she purposely locked me out. Somehow I ended up with a key, probably because she realized if I left she would lose her supply.
The Rebel
Being the defiant “brat” that I am, her words, I never shied away from telling her secrets. Defiance was not a choice. It was a journey to myself. I began living up to the unruly person she kept describing me as.
Her own power stripped by her own words!
As a young adult, I was forced to have long hair. When I was 18, I decided to chop it all off. It felt AMAZING and free. I no longer fit the persona she had been attempting to mold me into. I finally got to choose something about my own body!
Reflecting on the Future
The wall holds several keys to my success. Amazing parts of me such as my silliness and my desire to control everything in my life. Letting go of the wall will release my desires to control and my silliness. I know that by breaking down this wall of steel I will bloom and flourish in this life and hopefully the next.