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A Mission
After my inner child healed, see my inner warrior and my building a safe space posts, I assumed that was it. I had defeated the evil within me and I would go on living my life with much more clarity and calm.
Several days after healing my inner child I began to feel anxiety. I connected with her to ask if there was anything bothering her. I found her planting flowers, as I mentioned in my building a safe space post. She was perfectly calm and happy. Perplexed, I asked her if she knew where the anxiety was coming from; she did not.
I decided to leave and retreat back to reality. When the anxiety got louder, I again went to my inner child. I asked her if she would be willing to try to find the source of the anxiety.
My Heart
My inner child told me the anxiety is coming from my heart. I asked her if she knew where. She did not know, but was willing to look for me. She packed up her bag and went looking for the source.
Deeper and deeper into my heart she went, before she stopped. In front of her was a gigantic steel wall; it had no doors, seams or any other openings.
I asked her if she knew what was behind the wall. She felt extreme anger emanating from the other side, but did not understand many of the emotions and feelings she could sense. All she could feel was anger.
I thanked her and told her she could go back to planting her flowers.
Suppressed Emotions
As I examined this wall, I began to notice the anger, frustration, and confusion within.
I discovered suppressed traits of my personality that were trapped behind a steel wall in order to fit into the persona my mother destined me to be. Hidden so that people will possibly like me; who would like the real me?
My feelings regarding the sexual abuse I have endured by a cousin, a neighbor, and a friend are trapped behind the wall.
Future Work
This story is unfinished and needs to be written. My therapist believes that there may be an older inner child behind the wall that needs to go on her own healing journey.
Pressing forward to peace…