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During my childhood I learned several unhealthy coping skills without even realizing these things were a part of my daily life.
Fight or Flight
Typically, I learned to run away from my problems. Not only was I not able to accept my emotions, but my mother never validated my emotions. Even now it is hard to explain that some emotions I feel are valid but an incorrect response to the situation. Understanding that your feelings are valid is key. Even if your feeling are overactive, unstable or drastic, they are still your feelings and they are valid. Rewiring the response is key to success.
Fight or flight is an animalistic response to a situation. Do I want to fight? Do I want to flee? Growing up I learned not to fight. Fighting just brought more severe punishments. Often I would bottle up all my emotions and never address them properly. In time, this meant that eventually I would explode in anger. My mother did not stand up for me in times of need. She let her sister reign over her and in turn reign over me.
In parenthood, I experienced several of these instances where I would lose my composure due to improper handling and recognition of my emotions. Now that I have dealt with my natural fight or flight instincts, I do not explode on my children as I used to. This has calmed our household quite a bit. I still have work to do, but progress is being made everyday.
Disassociation
When I was a child my mother would scream at me. I left my body, I was not there. I have many fragmented memories due to disassociation. The sexual abuse that happened to me, I remember it, but I was not there. I removed myself so that I could not feel anything.
In my marriage, I found myself disassociating when a conflict arose. Arguments or disagreements are part of a marriage, but working it out together is necessary. When one of the partners disassociates themselves from the argument in order to protect themselves, communication breaks down. This can affect future communication and limit the depth of future conversations.
Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk is by far one of the most destructive, disruptive and complicated psychological blocks to deal with. Repetition of negative things people have spoken to you in your mind can make you believe you are useless, worthless, ugly and not necessary.
There are several phrases my mother used to speak to me that made me believe I would never amount to anything in my life. She also did not like the way she looked and I learned to mimic that behavior by observing her behavior.
My mother decided to nickname me “Big Bertha” when I gained weight in 9th grade. We lived on five acres, then moved to a home and were not allowed to play outside. We stayed inside not moving very much and gained weight. She even put us on the grapefruit diet when we started gaining more weight from the lack of physical activity. I was forced to drink grapefruit juice every day and basically starve myself so she did not have obese children.
School Success
My mother thought she was perfect back in the days of high school. She told me she got straight A’s, worked and still had time to do whatever she wanted. I have to think this was fabricated. In high school, I worked, did sports, and had regular classes. I was not a straight A student but frequently was on the honor roll. My mother used to tell me “Well, when I was in school I got straight A’s so why can’t you?”
Even to this day, I do not believe school grades matter. What matters is compassion, a strong work ethic, teamwork skills, and organization. None of these things can be taught. They have to be observed in your parents. I was lucky enough to observe these things from my father. He taught me many great things in my youth. Things he may not even realize impacted me in such string ways.
Passive Aggression
My mother is very passive aggressive. Not only can you deflect accusations when you are passive aggressive, but you can also get people to do what you want without conflict.
I remember she once took a desk I had taken out of my room and left in our den. The den was right next to my bedroom. I had to go somewhere and did not have time to dispose of it at that moment. It was not in the way of anyone. No one used the den at all. When I returned home, my mother, in her drunken stupor, had become so enraged that I left garbage in her den that she threw the desk into my room. It got stuck in the entry way and tore a hole in the expensive wallpaper she bought. It was pretty high up too and I remember being surprised that she even had the strength to lift it that high.
Being Defensive
Defensiveness can occur when a person points out an imperfection in you. When you grow up with impossible expectations, fault becomes a larger problem that it really is. Trying to achieve an impossible standard and hating yourself when you cannot reach the ever changing definition of perfection is damaging to the psyche.
This really caused me to suffer after becoming a mother. Every person has advice for you and while some of it may be good, others tend to present their advice in a way that makes you feel like you do not know what you are doing. Let’s face it, what parent does? You do what works best for your family dynamic and that is it. I also beat myself up when I saw other mothers achieving the perfection I thought I was supposed to have. I felt like I was doing my children a disservice by not being good enough for them. I was angry, defensive and felt like my family would be better off without me.
Eating Disorders
Many toxic parents can actually cause eating disorders in their children. Whether it be from comments about the body or other stressors.
While I do not have an eating disorder, I really am surprised I do not. Many of the comments my mother, aunt and grandmother had about my body were terrible. While I am overweight, I generally refrain from eating when stressed which is the opposite of most other people. My body has learned to perform better under pressure. My work quality used to be better when I procrastinated and created my own stress.
Sleeping
Stress and anxiety are physically exhausting. It drains your energy and leaves you with very little energy to do anything else. For some, sleeping away their problems seems to be the solution. This can create more problems as the real problems are being avoided. Sleeping may also exacerbate the problem by preventing you from accomplishing tasks. This can cause more stress and anxiety if too many things need to be addressed at the same time.
Drugs and Alcohol
Drugs and alcohol are some of the major ways in which people self medicate. Both are highly addictive ways to feel better for a short amount of time, however, prolonged use can cause more stress and anxiety much like sleeping your problems away can.
I am fortunate to have survived an opiate addiction. I have not taken opiates since 2008. I am grateful to have the willpower that many do not to free myself from the fate of so many others.
The Start of the Addiction
I started suffering from migraines in 2006. My doctor prescribed me an opiate. Around the same time, I suffered an injury at work. My upper left shoulder had become stiff and unable to move and I could not turn my head to the left. Physical therapy did little to solve this as they did not realize I actually have something called occipital neuralgia, which is a nerve disorder.
The boyfriend I was with at the time is bipolar. He self medicated and did not desire to stabilize his mood with prescription medications. He ended up starting to use opiates to achieve that ever fading manic state he wished to be in constantly.
After suffering from four day long migraines every two weeks, I decided to try a different stronger opiate he had been taking. After some time, I started to enjoy the self confidence that came with taking them. Not to mention the side effects of weight loss which also boosted my confidence. This self confidence did not come without a price. It was a fabricated confidence that took a toll on me physically. My body demanded more opiates every day. At the end of the addiction, I was taking over 400mg of very potent opiates per day. I am not sure of what the typical dosages are for pain, but I do know that this exceeded that by more than a margin.
Breaking Free of the Addiction
After a few years, I decided I could not deal with the ups and downs of addiction anymore. I grew apart from the boyfriend I had at the time. I felt stuck, however, and I felt alone. It took me many months to call my father and tell him what I had been through. My then ex-boyfriend even threatened to tell my father what had been happening. I called my father first since I wanted to tell him. I did not want someone else explaining the situation to him. My father was very caring and brought a moving truck a week later and I left and never looked back.
Detoxing after a two year opiate addiction is the single worst experience I have ever been through. I have had the flu, the stomach flu, Lyme disease and food poisoning. I would take any of these diseases over detoxing off of opiates. I spent a week with chills, sweating, not wanting to move or be alive and throwing up. Everything hurt. It took over a month for me to stop having chills everyday and even longer for chills to not remind me of detoxing and make me feel nauseated.
Coping Well
This list of unhealthy coping mechanisms provides an insight into how our minds and bodies adapt to toxic surroundings. You can change the response. You can stop the cycle. Read about some healthy ways to cope with depression and anxiety here. Take care of yourself inside and out and advocate for your success.
You can succeed. You can achieve your dreams.