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In life we are constantly changing, growing, adapting. Life changes us. The way we change can be positive or negative. The way we adapt is a direct result of what we have experienced.
Guarding Yourself
As you begin to change, you may withdraw yourself even from those you are closest to. While this may be necessary, it should not be permanent. This should just be an initial phase in your healing while you redirect your energy.
My energy is constantly expanding and many people that I do not know have begun to unravel their life troubles to me. Keeping myself guarded from their troubles is necessary to keep my peace. This does not mean I ignore it or disregard their struggles. It simply means I do not feel invested emotionally in their struggle. The challenges they face are simply there for their own growth. I am not responsible for their success.
People Pleasing
I struggled with making other people happy. I no longer try to make everyone happy. The need for this was to prevent an outburst by the individual or individuals I was trying to keep happy in whatever situation I was in.
In the past, if my mother was not happy, we all were not happy. This goes beyond the typical happy wife, happy life saying. My mother used to freak out like a toddler and have tantrums if she did not get what she wanted. Things would get taken away, or I would be physically assaulted.
I was reliving this every day and had no idea that my anxiety came from the desire to avoid these outbursts. Outbursts that would never occur outside of my childhood, but slights in my perception would reassure me that they would. Backed up by experiences, I grew to understand that the world is my mother and everyone is ten seconds away from screaming at me. This is no way to exit, to live.
At work I never spoke up, never let my opinion be heard. This was a block for me and I was not able to grow. I was stuck. I did not realize that every day, I was just doing what was expected of me. Nothing else.
I freaked out on my kids and husband if we were in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store because I thought we would be in someone’s way. I used to back seat drive and freak out if my husband was in the left lane and not passing anyone. It got really bad if someone passed us on the right.
My every day life was full of anxiety to avoid someone from yelling at me, simply because I was afraid to relive the outbursts of my mother. I never had flashbacks of certain instances but the emotions were there. The learned behavior was present.
Complex PTSD is such a complicated beast to overcome. Most of the time you are unaware of the cause of the anxiety and depression you are feeling. No certain memory invokes these feelings, yet the emotions live within you and are activated all the time.
Less Controlling
I used to be very controlling of everything. My husband actually looked up the definition of a control freak since he thought I may be one. At my core, controlling things kept me safe. When I was not in control, bad things happened. See my posts here and here to see examples of what happened when I was not in control.
Now that I am not afraid of bad things happening, making people happy or making mistakes, I find that I am not as controlling as I used to be. The kids are happier. I am happier. I am calm. Life happens, people make mistakes. Mistakes do not define us, what we do after the mistake occurs does
The reactions of others
Once you begin to change, others will question your intent. They will question themselves. Realistically, you are taking back what should never have been given in the first place. Your trust in yourself and your decisions, your desire to keep yourself happy above others, your self care, and your calm.
Peace may come at a cost, it may remove people from your life that disturb that peace. Peace is worth it. Enjoy the calm within.