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In the last month, I have been decreasing my mood stabilizer and am weening from it. During this time, I have also gotten many tasks at work, been bombarded by the problems of others, my morality has been questioned and my coping skills have been put into action.
My EMDR therapist warned me that as I healed, my expanding energy would become a beacon for others. My eldest inner child originally built her Dracula tower to protect herself from energy suckers. Since my elder inner child has been unprotected from the outside, except for the protection I give, I feel that she may be protecting herself from the current constant bombardment by retreating for the time being.
The universe is testing me. From flat tires, to sick kids, withdrawal symptoms that floored me, and just the regular every day things I have to do as a mother, software developer, and wife; I have been busy but I have also been strong. I have gone through so many worse things than what is currently before me.
Disconnected
My last EMDR session was about me, not a past problem, but a current one. It felt interesting to have a topic in EMDR that was a current issue and not one from the past. I was comforted that a problem I was having was not tied to my mother, my aunt, or my grandmother. It was rather freeing to know that current life can be difficult. Difficult but not because of a reaction to some past event I cannot remember but still triggers me.
It has been quite some time, at least a few weeks since I have been able to connect to either of my inner children. This could mean that me being busy is preventing my inner children from coming forward or it could mean that they have integrated with me.
I believe it is the busyness that is preventing them from being contacted. They simply have no pressing issues and are stepping back; and are allowing me to accomplish what I need to without adding any additional problems to my plate.
Reconnecting
In time I will know for sure if they are integrated or are simply taking a step back. My eldest inner child did not with to rebuild her place of solitude and suppression. My younger inner child rebuilt then grew up only to be blocked by several things at an older age.
Coping
Despite losing touch with my inner children, I have been using my coping tools to get through each day. Day by day, even sometimes hour by hour. It has been hard, but I am getting stronger everyday.