Category: Parenting

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Unhealthy Coping Skills

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During my childhood I learned several unhealthy coping skills without even realizing these things were a part of my daily life.

Fight or Flight

Typically, I learned to run away from my problems. Not only was I not able to accept my emotions, but my mother never validated my emotions. Even now it is hard to explain that some emotions I feel are valid but an incorrect response to the situation. Understanding that your feelings are valid is key. Even if your feeling are overactive, unstable or drastic, they are still your feelings and they are valid. Rewiring the response is key to success.

Fight or flight is an animalistic response to a situation. Do I want to fight? Do I want to flee? Growing up I learned not to fight. Fighting just brought more severe punishments. Often I would bottle up all my emotions and never address them properly. In time, this meant that eventually I would explode in anger. My mother did not stand up for me in times of need. She let her sister reign over her and in turn reign over me.

In parenthood, I experienced several of these instances where I would lose my composure due to improper handling and recognition of my emotions. Now that I have dealt with my natural fight or flight instincts, I do not explode on my children as I used to. This has calmed our household quite a bit. I still have work to do, but progress is being made everyday.

Disassociation

When I was a child my mother would scream at me. I left my body, I was not there. I have many fragmented memories due to disassociation. The sexual abuse that happened to me, I remember it, but I was not there. I removed myself so that I could not feel anything.

In my marriage, I found myself disassociating when a conflict arose. Arguments or disagreements are part of a marriage, but working it out together is necessary. When one of the partners disassociates themselves from the argument in order to protect themselves, communication breaks down. This can affect future communication and limit the depth of future conversations.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is by far one of the most destructive, disruptive and complicated psychological blocks to deal with. Repetition of negative things people have spoken to you in your mind can make you believe you are useless, worthless, ugly and not necessary.

There are several phrases my mother used to speak to me that made me believe I would never amount to anything in my life. She also did not like the way she looked and I learned to mimic that behavior by observing her behavior.

My mother decided to nickname me “Big Bertha” when I gained weight in 9th grade. We lived on five acres, then moved to a home and were not allowed to play outside. We stayed inside not moving very much and gained weight. She even put us on the grapefruit diet when we started gaining more weight from the lack of physical activity. I was forced to drink grapefruit juice every day and basically starve myself so she did not have obese children.

School Success

My mother thought she was perfect back in the days of high school. She told me she got straight A’s, worked and still had time to do whatever she wanted. I have to think this was fabricated. In high school, I worked, did sports, and had regular classes. I was not a straight A student but frequently was on the honor roll. My mother used to tell me “Well, when I was in school I got straight A’s so why can’t you?”

Even to this day, I do not believe school grades matter. What matters is compassion, a strong work ethic, teamwork skills, and organization. None of these things can be taught. They have to be observed in your parents. I was lucky enough to observe these things from my father. He taught me many great things in my youth. Things he may not even realize impacted me in such string ways.

Passive Aggression

My mother is very passive aggressive. Not only can you deflect accusations when you are passive aggressive, but you can also get people to do what you want without conflict.

I remember she once took a desk I had taken out of my room and left in our den. The den was right next to my bedroom. I had to go somewhere and did not have time to dispose of it at that moment. It was not in the way of anyone. No one used the den at all. When I returned home, my mother, in her drunken stupor, had become so enraged that I left garbage in her den that she threw the desk into my room. It got stuck in the entry way and tore a hole in the expensive wallpaper she bought. It was pretty high up too and I remember being surprised that she even had the strength to lift it that high.

Being Defensive

Defensiveness can occur when a person points out an imperfection in you. When you grow up with impossible expectations, fault becomes a larger problem that it really is. Trying to achieve an impossible standard and hating yourself when you cannot reach the ever changing definition of perfection is damaging to the psyche.

This really caused me to suffer after becoming a mother. Every person has advice for you and while some of it may be good, others tend to present their advice in a way that makes you feel like you do not know what you are doing. Let’s face it, what parent does? You do what works best for your family dynamic and that is it. I also beat myself up when I saw other mothers achieving the perfection I thought I was supposed to have. I felt like I was doing my children a disservice by not being good enough for them. I was angry, defensive and felt like my family would be better off without me.

Eating Disorders

Many toxic parents can actually cause eating disorders in their children. Whether it be from comments about the body or other stressors.

While I do not have an eating disorder, I really am surprised I do not. Many of the comments my mother, aunt and grandmother had about my body were terrible. While I am overweight, I generally refrain from eating when stressed which is the opposite of most other people. My body has learned to perform better under pressure. My work quality used to be better when I procrastinated and created my own stress.

Sleeping

Stress and anxiety are physically exhausting. It drains your energy and leaves you with very little energy to do anything else. For some, sleeping away their problems seems to be the solution. This can create more problems as the real problems are being avoided. Sleeping may also exacerbate the problem by preventing you from accomplishing tasks. This can cause more stress and anxiety if too many things need to be addressed at the same time.

Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are some of the major ways in which people self medicate. Both are highly addictive ways to feel better for a short amount of time, however, prolonged use can cause more stress and anxiety much like sleeping your problems away can.

I am fortunate to have survived an opiate addiction. I have not taken opiates since 2008. I am grateful to have the willpower that many do not to free myself from the fate of so many others.

The Start of the Addiction

I started suffering from migraines in 2006. My doctor prescribed me an opiate. Around the same time, I suffered an injury at work. My upper left shoulder had become stiff and unable to move and I could not turn my head to the left. Physical therapy did little to solve this as they did not realize I actually have something called occipital neuralgia, which is a nerve disorder.

The boyfriend I was with at the time is bipolar. He self medicated and did not desire to stabilize his mood with prescription medications. He ended up starting to use opiates to achieve that ever fading manic state he wished to be in constantly.

After suffering from four day long migraines every two weeks, I decided to try a different stronger opiate he had been taking. After some time, I started to enjoy the self confidence that came with taking them. Not to mention the side effects of weight loss which also boosted my confidence. This self confidence did not come without a price. It was a fabricated confidence that took a toll on me physically. My body demanded more opiates every day. At the end of the addiction, I was taking over 400mg of very potent opiates per day. I am not sure of what the typical dosages are for pain, but I do know that this exceeded that by more than a margin.

Breaking Free of the Addiction

After a few years, I decided I could not deal with the ups and downs of addiction anymore. I grew apart from the boyfriend I had at the time. I felt stuck, however, and I felt alone. It took me many months to call my father and tell him what I had been through. My then ex-boyfriend even threatened to tell my father what had been happening. I called my father first since I wanted to tell him. I did not want someone else explaining the situation to him. My father was very caring and brought a moving truck a week later and I left and never looked back.

Detoxing after a two year opiate addiction is the single worst experience I have ever been through. I have had the flu, the stomach flu, Lyme disease and food poisoning. I would take any of these diseases over detoxing off of opiates. I spent a week with chills, sweating, not wanting to move or be alive and throwing up. Everything hurt. It took over a month for me to stop having chills everyday and even longer for chills to not remind me of detoxing and make me feel nauseated.

Coping Well

This list of unhealthy coping mechanisms provides an insight into how our minds and bodies adapt to toxic surroundings. You can change the response. You can stop the cycle. Read about some healthy ways to cope with depression and anxiety here. Take care of yourself inside and out and advocate for your success.

You can succeed. You can achieve your dreams.

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How can inner children change?

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I began connecting with my inner children at least daily since my last EMDR session.

Today was unique.

Both my inner children had significantly changed. The teen inner child was content not rebuilding the city. She had no immediate plans on how to address what was left in the now empty part of my heart she had building for so many years. My younger inner child, however, changed dramatically.

Growing Up

My younger inner child grew up. She now appeared as about age 11. Previously, she was around age 6. Curious about this, I asked my therapist why she would age. She had told me it could be due to her being trapped at age 6 and has moved on. She may now need to work through events that occurred at age 11.

Starting Over

After second grade we moved. I left behind the friends I had since I could remember and a family that was basically like a second family to me. They are the kindest and most caring people you will ever meet and I am blessed to have had them in my life as long as I did.

Along with moving came a new school. I stayed in the public school system for a few years until moving to a private school. I made some friends at the elementary school I attended and am still in contact with some. Again, they are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and are just genuine. Not everyone you meet is as genuine and kind.

A Bit of Background

When I was in public school I met a girl whom I was friends with until we moved, yet again. She was alright and we had fun together until I left the public school system. In fifth grade, I started at a private school. For a half a year everything seemed to be going well. I made friends and even though I was new, they for the most part welcomed me.

The friend I had from elementary school started at the private school. I am not sure what changed, but after that, there are several instances of the kids turning on me and bullying me.

After the bullying became too much to bear, my mother decided to home school my brother and I. Even though I had issues with this girl, my mother decided to home school her as well. I am not sure what thought process made my mother decide to home school someone that I had issues with but she did.

My mom knew all of my problems. She used my problems against me. Whether this was her intent or she was doing it to help someone else out and did not think about how it would affect her daughter.

My kids will never have to spend time with people that do not respect them. If they inform me of wrongdoing, those people will not see my children again. My son has made me proud. He does not take anyone’s shit. He even told me he would like to see my mother so that he could yell at her to be nice to me. His personality is very reflective of his name.

Reinforcing False Beliefs

I don’t think this girl from my childhood was inherently a bad person. I believe she had her own problems that she projected outward. In doing so, my false belief systems were reinforced.

I remember this girl always wanted to play with the “prettiest” doll that had the largest breasts but also the skinniest waist. She had some obsession with obtaining that impossible standard.

When we played together at my house, with my toys, she always picked the best toys for herself. I never objected as doing so may have brought on the same style of false retribution as my mother would have given me for speaking up.

Hearing that these impossible things were necessary from a friend, reinforced the false beliefs that I had to look impossibly perfect and have expensive things in order to be liked.

Uncomfortable Encounters

I have a few vivid still image memories when I was around the same age as my inner child is currently.

One afternoon, my dad and I were pulling into a fast food restaurant. I have no idea what these boys in the car next to us said about me, but my dad was very angry. I know it was related to my body, but not the exact words. The boys were old enough to drive. I was 11. Even now, I can feel how angry my dad was. All I can think is that it must have been terrible.

Around the same time, I was in the gym of my school and one of the boys commented on my breasts. They were not even large enough for a bra at the time but at the point that they were developing.

Connections

All these events are related to my dislike of the way I look and reinforced false beliefs my mother, aunt, and grandmother had instilled in me at a young age.

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Will I ever speak to my mother again?

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I feel fortunate to have many loving people in my life. I do not believe that my mother will add value to my life, now or in the future. No matter how many people she has talked to regarding our relationship, the truth remains that I will no longer suffer at the hands of her abuse. No longer will I allow her to belittle my accomplishments, call me names, or try to impress her ideals for my persona on me. See my post here regarding my decision to go no contact and how hard that was.

The Idea

In general, it seems that most toxic parents have their own issues and demons they cannot confront. Instead of dealing with the problem they project the problem onto their children. I admit that I have done this before I sought therapy as it is a completely learned behavior. We have at least four generations of strained mother, daughter relationships in my family. I plan to have the first normal one in a long time!

I have been asked by several people if I wish to see my mother again. Honestly, I do not think it matters to me one way or another. I know our divide comes from years of emotional strain and abuse she is not even apologetic about.

The Clause

Perhaps difficult for her, the only way I would see my mother again would be if she regularly attends therapy and genuinely apologizes for everything. She apologized to me once, however, she needed to in order to progress through the steps of AA. I realized the apology was not genuine when she held it over my head years later, see my post here.

I am content either way. I know life is happy and will continue to be happy with or without my mother in it.

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Am I a narcissist?

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If you are asking yourself this question then you are most likely not a narcissist.

Narcissistic traits like being controlling, being unable to relax, acting different in public versus at home, and having trouble admitting mistakes can all be present in those who are not narcissists. It does not mean you are narcissistic. Instead, you learned how to be human from a narcissist.

I once confronted my mother about her narcissism. See my post here that explains the events leading up to the confrontation.

Why do I worry about being a narcissist?

As a parent, I sometimes lose my patience with my kids, my anxiety spikes and I lash out. Afterwards, I am overcome with immediate guilt and fear that I am just like my mother.

I see many similarities in my mother and myself which does not mean I am a narcissist. She is a person after all and people at their cores share many similarities

Why does anxiety feel like narcissism?

Anxiety.

Anxiety is the biggest factor in why I feel narcissistic sometimes. My anxiety builds actually mimics narcissistic behaviors.

I used to be severely controlling of every aspect of my life. I was unable to relax, alert to every possible problem that could arise. Anxiety made me feel the need to control everything.

If I was not in control ,then something bad was surely going to happen. If things did not work out as expected, I got angry. This totally feels like narcissism and the calm before the storm.

Why do I act differently in public than at home?

At home you are in your comfort zone, you feel comfortable showing your family everything, including anger.

When I was young, I learned to behave differently at home than I did in the public eye. My mother dressed up with full make up to go to the grocery store. She could not be seen unless she presented herself this way.

My mother acted completely different to friends than she did to us. There were times she would cook expensive meals for her friends and leave us with boxed mac and cheese for dinner. I too picked this up as a behavioral norm but have since realized my family comes first.

The hardest thing I learned growing up was that the approval of others defined me and if someone did not like me that reflected badly on my mother. I have since learned that if someone does not like the person that I truly am, they do not belong in my life.

Why do I have trouble admitting my mistakes?

There are so many things that do not go right everyday. When a mistake is made by a person it does not immediately mean they are inherently bad. That person is learning. Mistakes make us better people unless the mistake is made by someone whose main focus has been to be seen as perfect to avoid any backlash from their toxic parent.

When you are constantly told to be an ever changing definition of perfect, mistakes become a huge problem. The perfection sought is never reachable and morphs every second. The problem with admitting mistakes is that you are now no longer living up to the standards you think other people have for you. Standards that do not matter, but are overpowering in your daily life.

Healing

Once you understand yourself and how anxiety and your upbringing can mimic narcissism you can then begin to heal. Be more compassionate to yourself and to the experiences that make up the life you had as a child. No one is perfect and we all need to know that who we are is not defined by others.

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Why am I afraid of having a daughter?

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Will she be like me?

My biggest fear is that my daughter will end up like me.

I don’t mean the good parts of me like my genuine heart, kindness, friendliness, creativity, and determination. If she inherits these traits, I would be very proud.

I fear she will question herself.
I fear she will not know her worth.
I fear she will be abused.
I fear she will think she is not enough.
I fear she will seek perfection in her life.
I fear she will think she is not beautiful.
I fear she will try to make others happy before herself.

Will she be close to me?

In my family, there are at least four generations of strained mother and daughter relationships. I do not speak to my mother or grandmother. My mother only speaks to her mother when it suits her needs. My grandmother never spoke highly of my great grandmother.

I fear that she will grow up and leave just as many generations of daughters have; just like I have to protect myself and my family. What if I fail her as a mother and she feels the need to separate from me? Does this mean the cycle of abuse was not broken

My Wish

Baby girl,

I wish you peace, love, and happiness. I hope you see your beauty, inside and out. I hope you make time for yourself and take care of your needs first.

You are a blessing.

Your name means “bright shining light” and I hope that light burns bright within you. You are more than enough.

I vow to do my best to keep you from harm.

Love,
Momma

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When can I break NC?

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The decision to break NC is one that should be thought through and all the pros and cons weighed. Breaking NC means that all the toxicity will return; it may not be immediate if the toxic individual is in the love-bombing stage. If you are not prepared for this then simply do not contact the individual.

When regaining contact with the toxic parent, they will assume that you are speaking to them again because a blanket of forgiveness has fallen over them; we are friends again!

There are other reasons to break contact such as a death in the family and other circumstances but those must be evaluated on a case by case basis.

Why is staying NC so hard?

I did not go to my cousins funeral last year (2018); I was still healing. My cousin was survived by several siblings. After reading the condolences, I realized people were not extending condolences to his siblings, but rather to my mother. To keep myself safe , I chose not to go despite the guilt I felt for not honoring his passing properly.

I was also not prepared to answer questions regarding my decision to go NC with my mother from other family members. Most family members don’t see the truth or they have been told lies by the toxic person that they believe. One of the hardest parts is just ignoring them and letting your truth shine through.

Society has a way of guilting you into talking to your toxic family members again. See my post here about why you can feel guilty going NC in the first place.

Going NC can also be difficult when all you have known is chaos. When the chaos dissipates, you are left with nothing. Nothing feels weird. You begin to question the nothingness and whether or not nothing means that something is right around the corner. Anxiety spikes and fear drives your body into fight or flight more.

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Why do I feel guilty going no contact?

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Deciding to go NC(no contact) is a huge step in regaining control over your life. It can bring peace. With that peace, anxiety and fear can surface. Fear that the person you are no longer speaking to will lash out at you in some grand way. Fear, that they will spread lies about you, or fear that things are simply calm. Who are we kidding, when has life been calm?

Why do kids make going NC harder?

Having kids really changes the guilt factor when you go NC. People post things on social media about how the adult ego should be disregarded so that children can see their families.

Family is just a word. Just because a person carried you in their body, sorta kept you alive, and sometimes gave you food does not mean they are family. And under no circumstances should a person be subject to the mental mind games of a toxic individual.

Family are loving people that enrich our lives and genuinely care about how we feel. When we feel down, they are there to help us back up, not dig us further into the dark.

My children do not deserve to be treated the way I was. Until I realized the cause of all my anxiety and depression, I fell into the trap of allowing my mother and grandmother to see my son. That was a mistake.

My mother used information from conversations with my grandmother to get information. It was then that I realized I had to sever ties with both. Not just for myself but for my kids. My kids needed to l know that no matter who the person is, they have the right to stand up to them. Even if that person is “family.”

Why do people want me to talk to a toxic person?

Many people will actually try to convince you to speak to your toxic parent. Those that seek to do this have no ill intent. Their naivety actually plays with the guilt we are already feeling within us.

Guilt is intertwined with our trust in ourselves and our trust in our decisions. Many times a toxic parent will undermine your feelings, ideas, and memory in an attempt to keep control. What many people do not realize is that by suggesting that we talk to the toxic parent, they are pulling at every one of those emotions within us. Part of us feels obligated to comply with their request, whether it be out of fear or guilt.

When can I break NC?

See my post discussing breaking NC.

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How can parenting after trauma affect mood?

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Self Doubt

Apart from normal mom guilt that everyone experiences, I have endured guilt from unknown sources within me. It makes me question every decision., listen to those that doubt me and use their doubts as fuel to guilt myself. The cycle of guilt ran rampant in my heart and I had several mood swings and outbursts.

Fear

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was initially excited because we already have a son. That excitement faded to fear. Fear that she would become like I am. Fear that I would not be able to break the cycle of abuse. Fear that one day she may never talk to me again. Fear that I would hurt her the way others have hurt me.

Anger

Parenting after childhood trauma made me angry. Before I had kids, I was carefree. Now, I felt trapped. I was angry for not being able to take care of my children as well as other mom’s do. I was angry for not keeping the house as clean as I thought it should be. I was angry when my children defied me. I was angry with life. Everything made me angry and I felt like I was stuck in a repetitive cycle where days turned into weeks which turned to months. I did not take care of myself and felt obligated to do more for others than I should have.

Worthlessness

My son used to be all about Daddy. He loves Daddy. At some point my mind twisted the love of my son into a competition against my husband. I would get angry, feel useless and think there was no point to my existence in this family. I thought everyone would be happier if I lived somewhere else and did not come back.

How to fix it?

In order to get rid of the anger, the fear, the self doubt, the worthlessness and obtain peace, I have trudge through the dark places in my heart. For an example, see my post about the battle my youngest inner child endured.

This has been the hardest yet most fulfilling part of my life. I have been in therapy, in EMDR therapy, temporarily taken mood stabilizers and taken time to take care of myself.

The only way to get better is to go through it and shed light on the dark places of your heart.