Tag: anxiety

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Mood Stabilizer Withdrawal

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Do not stop taking any medication unless under the care of a licensed professional.

I have been on a mood stabilizer for about five months now. I first started taking it after going to the crisis center in the emergency room.

The Start

The first day I took the mood stabilizer, I had pretty severe anxiety. I was also prescribed an anti anxiety medication for fast acting anxiety relief. I used that at least once during the first week of starting. Eventually, I went from 10mg to 15mg of fluoxetine and stayed at 15mg because it was effective at a low dose.

Progress

After making progress in EMDR and inner child work, my EMDR therapist and talk therapist both agreed that I could try to ween off of the antidepressant. I was instructed by my third therapist, a psychiatrist, to take 10mg for a month then drop down to 5mg for another month.

Going Well

For the first three weeks, I did not notice any changes. It was like I was not even weening off the medications. I thought, hey this is easy!

Previously, I was on a medication for migraines that was also an antidepressant. Weening off that was awful, but short lived thankfully.

The First Signs

It started midweek. I was sitting at my desk unable to focus for more than a few minutes. I could not sit still. I was restless and moving my legs. I started hearing things louder than they really were and had to constantly wear headphones. Music generally helps me focus, but I was unable to find any genre of music to help me.

Downward Spiral

It was not until I started having a sensation of warm water flowing down the back of my leg that I started to wonder what was going on. Shortly after, I became very fatigued. Fatigue and restlessness are the weirdest symptoms you can have simultaneously. Starting things became so cumbersome and I was not able to have longevity in much of anything.

Very quickly, I became exhausted beyond belief, had pains all over my body, insomnia, anxiety, irritability, spotting, clumsiness, hot flashes and chills, and the headaches came and went.

Seeking Guidance

I spoke to all three of my therapists about this. The prescriber of the fluoxetine told me that all these symptoms were, unfortunately, normal and that I was doing the best I can to deal with the symptoms.

Building Anxiety

Yesterday, I finally felt better. I also had EMDR. Up until that point I was dealing with trying to focus at work, take care of my kids, and adulting. All while being so very tired while having simultaneous insomnia. I ended up taking ibuprofen and a fast acting anxiety relief medication to relieve some of the anxiety and other symptoms.

Hidden Fear

While in EMDR, I learned I am actually afraid of coming off the medication.

My fear was related to the need for medication for life. Will I be able to function without it? Will I return to the person I was before I started on my healing journey? Will I go back to the hospital? Can I still be the new happy me without the medication? Is the anxiety returning because I cannot handle life without the meds?

After uncovering this fear, I felt so much better. Mind over matter as the saying goes. And while I felt better before I went to EMDR, I improved so much after learning what was bothering me. I find it amazing that I had no idea this problem was there and why.

I have detoxed from opiates and this is comparable if not worse because it did not improve after a few days of symptoms starting. At least with the opiates it seemed shorter lived. My biggest fear, currently, is wondering if this will happen again when I go down to 5mg in a week. I guess I will just have to proceed and hope for the best!

Through all this I realize that while meds may have helped me get through some of the hard times in EMDR, I do not know that they were absolutely necessary. I have come so far in my healing journey.

I can do this!

If you are having problems weening off a medication, see my page about healthy coping skills and make sure to check in with your doctor too!

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Unhealthy Coping Skills

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During my childhood I learned several unhealthy coping skills without even realizing these things were a part of my daily life.

Fight or Flight

Typically, I learned to run away from my problems. Not only was I not able to accept my emotions, but my mother never validated my emotions. Even now it is hard to explain that some emotions I feel are valid but an incorrect response to the situation. Understanding that your feelings are valid is key. Even if your feeling are overactive, unstable or drastic, they are still your feelings and they are valid. Rewiring the response is key to success.

Fight or flight is an animalistic response to a situation. Do I want to fight? Do I want to flee? Growing up I learned not to fight. Fighting just brought more severe punishments. Often I would bottle up all my emotions and never address them properly. In time, this meant that eventually I would explode in anger. My mother did not stand up for me in times of need. She let her sister reign over her and in turn reign over me.

In parenthood, I experienced several of these instances where I would lose my composure due to improper handling and recognition of my emotions. Now that I have dealt with my natural fight or flight instincts, I do not explode on my children as I used to. This has calmed our household quite a bit. I still have work to do, but progress is being made everyday.

Disassociation

When I was a child my mother would scream at me. I left my body, I was not there. I have many fragmented memories due to disassociation. The sexual abuse that happened to me, I remember it, but I was not there. I removed myself so that I could not feel anything.

In my marriage, I found myself disassociating when a conflict arose. Arguments or disagreements are part of a marriage, but working it out together is necessary. When one of the partners disassociates themselves from the argument in order to protect themselves, communication breaks down. This can affect future communication and limit the depth of future conversations.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is by far one of the most destructive, disruptive and complicated psychological blocks to deal with. Repetition of negative things people have spoken to you in your mind can make you believe you are useless, worthless, ugly and not necessary.

There are several phrases my mother used to speak to me that made me believe I would never amount to anything in my life. She also did not like the way she looked and I learned to mimic that behavior by observing her behavior.

My mother decided to nickname me “Big Bertha” when I gained weight in 9th grade. We lived on five acres, then moved to a home and were not allowed to play outside. We stayed inside not moving very much and gained weight. She even put us on the grapefruit diet when we started gaining more weight from the lack of physical activity. I was forced to drink grapefruit juice every day and basically starve myself so she did not have obese children.

School Success

My mother thought she was perfect back in the days of high school. She told me she got straight A’s, worked and still had time to do whatever she wanted. I have to think this was fabricated. In high school, I worked, did sports, and had regular classes. I was not a straight A student but frequently was on the honor roll. My mother used to tell me “Well, when I was in school I got straight A’s so why can’t you?”

Even to this day, I do not believe school grades matter. What matters is compassion, a strong work ethic, teamwork skills, and organization. None of these things can be taught. They have to be observed in your parents. I was lucky enough to observe these things from my father. He taught me many great things in my youth. Things he may not even realize impacted me in such string ways.

Passive Aggression

My mother is very passive aggressive. Not only can you deflect accusations when you are passive aggressive, but you can also get people to do what you want without conflict.

I remember she once took a desk I had taken out of my room and left in our den. The den was right next to my bedroom. I had to go somewhere and did not have time to dispose of it at that moment. It was not in the way of anyone. No one used the den at all. When I returned home, my mother, in her drunken stupor, had become so enraged that I left garbage in her den that she threw the desk into my room. It got stuck in the entry way and tore a hole in the expensive wallpaper she bought. It was pretty high up too and I remember being surprised that she even had the strength to lift it that high.

Being Defensive

Defensiveness can occur when a person points out an imperfection in you. When you grow up with impossible expectations, fault becomes a larger problem that it really is. Trying to achieve an impossible standard and hating yourself when you cannot reach the ever changing definition of perfection is damaging to the psyche.

This really caused me to suffer after becoming a mother. Every person has advice for you and while some of it may be good, others tend to present their advice in a way that makes you feel like you do not know what you are doing. Let’s face it, what parent does? You do what works best for your family dynamic and that is it. I also beat myself up when I saw other mothers achieving the perfection I thought I was supposed to have. I felt like I was doing my children a disservice by not being good enough for them. I was angry, defensive and felt like my family would be better off without me.

Eating Disorders

Many toxic parents can actually cause eating disorders in their children. Whether it be from comments about the body or other stressors.

While I do not have an eating disorder, I really am surprised I do not. Many of the comments my mother, aunt and grandmother had about my body were terrible. While I am overweight, I generally refrain from eating when stressed which is the opposite of most other people. My body has learned to perform better under pressure. My work quality used to be better when I procrastinated and created my own stress.

Sleeping

Stress and anxiety are physically exhausting. It drains your energy and leaves you with very little energy to do anything else. For some, sleeping away their problems seems to be the solution. This can create more problems as the real problems are being avoided. Sleeping may also exacerbate the problem by preventing you from accomplishing tasks. This can cause more stress and anxiety if too many things need to be addressed at the same time.

Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are some of the major ways in which people self medicate. Both are highly addictive ways to feel better for a short amount of time, however, prolonged use can cause more stress and anxiety much like sleeping your problems away can.

I am fortunate to have survived an opiate addiction. I have not taken opiates since 2008. I am grateful to have the willpower that many do not to free myself from the fate of so many others.

The Start of the Addiction

I started suffering from migraines in 2006. My doctor prescribed me an opiate. Around the same time, I suffered an injury at work. My upper left shoulder had become stiff and unable to move and I could not turn my head to the left. Physical therapy did little to solve this as they did not realize I actually have something called occipital neuralgia, which is a nerve disorder.

The boyfriend I was with at the time is bipolar. He self medicated and did not desire to stabilize his mood with prescription medications. He ended up starting to use opiates to achieve that ever fading manic state he wished to be in constantly.

After suffering from four day long migraines every two weeks, I decided to try a different stronger opiate he had been taking. After some time, I started to enjoy the self confidence that came with taking them. Not to mention the side effects of weight loss which also boosted my confidence. This self confidence did not come without a price. It was a fabricated confidence that took a toll on me physically. My body demanded more opiates every day. At the end of the addiction, I was taking over 400mg of very potent opiates per day. I am not sure of what the typical dosages are for pain, but I do know that this exceeded that by more than a margin.

Breaking Free of the Addiction

After a few years, I decided I could not deal with the ups and downs of addiction anymore. I grew apart from the boyfriend I had at the time. I felt stuck, however, and I felt alone. It took me many months to call my father and tell him what I had been through. My then ex-boyfriend even threatened to tell my father what had been happening. I called my father first since I wanted to tell him. I did not want someone else explaining the situation to him. My father was very caring and brought a moving truck a week later and I left and never looked back.

Detoxing after a two year opiate addiction is the single worst experience I have ever been through. I have had the flu, the stomach flu, Lyme disease and food poisoning. I would take any of these diseases over detoxing off of opiates. I spent a week with chills, sweating, not wanting to move or be alive and throwing up. Everything hurt. It took over a month for me to stop having chills everyday and even longer for chills to not remind me of detoxing and make me feel nauseated.

Coping Well

This list of unhealthy coping mechanisms provides an insight into how our minds and bodies adapt to toxic surroundings. You can change the response. You can stop the cycle. Read about some healthy ways to cope with depression and anxiety here. Take care of yourself inside and out and advocate for your success.

You can succeed. You can achieve your dreams.

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How can inner children change?

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I began connecting with my inner children at least daily since my last EMDR session.

Today was unique.

Both my inner children had significantly changed. The teen inner child was content not rebuilding the city. She had no immediate plans on how to address what was left in the now empty part of my heart she had building for so many years. My younger inner child, however, changed dramatically.

Growing Up

My younger inner child grew up. She now appeared as about age 11. Previously, she was around age 6. Curious about this, I asked my therapist why she would age. She had told me it could be due to her being trapped at age 6 and has moved on. She may now need to work through events that occurred at age 11.

Starting Over

After second grade we moved. I left behind the friends I had since I could remember and a family that was basically like a second family to me. They are the kindest and most caring people you will ever meet and I am blessed to have had them in my life as long as I did.

Along with moving came a new school. I stayed in the public school system for a few years until moving to a private school. I made some friends at the elementary school I attended and am still in contact with some. Again, they are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and are just genuine. Not everyone you meet is as genuine and kind.

A Bit of Background

When I was in public school I met a girl whom I was friends with until we moved, yet again. She was alright and we had fun together until I left the public school system. In fifth grade, I started at a private school. For a half a year everything seemed to be going well. I made friends and even though I was new, they for the most part welcomed me.

The friend I had from elementary school started at the private school. I am not sure what changed, but after that, there are several instances of the kids turning on me and bullying me.

After the bullying became too much to bear, my mother decided to home school my brother and I. Even though I had issues with this girl, my mother decided to home school her as well. I am not sure what thought process made my mother decide to home school someone that I had issues with but she did.

My mom knew all of my problems. She used my problems against me. Whether this was her intent or she was doing it to help someone else out and did not think about how it would affect her daughter.

My kids will never have to spend time with people that do not respect them. If they inform me of wrongdoing, those people will not see my children again. My son has made me proud. He does not take anyone’s shit. He even told me he would like to see my mother so that he could yell at her to be nice to me. His personality is very reflective of his name.

Reinforcing False Beliefs

I don’t think this girl from my childhood was inherently a bad person. I believe she had her own problems that she projected outward. In doing so, my false belief systems were reinforced.

I remember this girl always wanted to play with the “prettiest” doll that had the largest breasts but also the skinniest waist. She had some obsession with obtaining that impossible standard.

When we played together at my house, with my toys, she always picked the best toys for herself. I never objected as doing so may have brought on the same style of false retribution as my mother would have given me for speaking up.

Hearing that these impossible things were necessary from a friend, reinforced the false beliefs that I had to look impossibly perfect and have expensive things in order to be liked.

Uncomfortable Encounters

I have a few vivid still image memories when I was around the same age as my inner child is currently.

One afternoon, my dad and I were pulling into a fast food restaurant. I have no idea what these boys in the car next to us said about me, but my dad was very angry. I know it was related to my body, but not the exact words. The boys were old enough to drive. I was 11. Even now, I can feel how angry my dad was. All I can think is that it must have been terrible.

Around the same time, I was in the gym of my school and one of the boys commented on my breasts. They were not even large enough for a bra at the time but at the point that they were developing.

Connections

All these events are related to my dislike of the way I look and reinforced false beliefs my mother, aunt, and grandmother had instilled in me at a young age.

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How can I cope with anxiety?

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While in therapy I have learned several techniques for coping with anxiety and depression. While some of them may work better for you than others, when applied they can readily reduce the strength of your feelings.

Typically we have the same responses to triggers when they occur. We freeze, run or fight. Knowing that at our core we have an animal response to triggers can help you determine the best techniques to help you.

Music

Music is empowering. It can pump you up, make you sleepy or relax you. Music can also make you angry and bring up bad memories. Music that causes anxiety or makes your anxiety worse should be avoided. You may not know what types of music cause this for you and the process may be experimental. In the mean time if you are triggered by a musical piece, use the rest of the techniques listed here to help you.

There are several types of music that when my husband listens to them I would think he was mad. This caused me a great deal of anxiety. Now I understand that those songs do not have the same affect for him that they do for me.

Get Outside

Just relax in a hammock and take in the air. Do some gardening. Go to the beach. There are so many things you can do outside and sometimes just being outside can calm you. If you cannot get outside, look out the window or open it for some fresh air.

Exercise

Exercising can be great for your emotional state. Not only will endorphins be released but in time you will gain confidence if you begin losing weight. Finding motivation to exercise can be tricky if you suffer from low self esteem or have other issues blocking you from succeeding. In my case I am blocked from exercising by my desires to not live up to my mother’s standards for me while simultaneously feeling bad for not being “perfect.” It is a very complicated state to exist in.

Essential Oils

Essential oil blends can be very helpful in treating anxiety. I actually have a blend called liquid xanax and find that when anxiety strikes it does help calm me. There are so many blends and varieties that can really help with physical and mental ailments. The oil can be applied to the skin diluted with coconut oil, diffused or added to a piece of jewelry designed to hold full strength oil. There are even oils safe to use on babies but in a different dilution amount. Example clove oil is great for teething babies.

Breathing Techniques

Controlling your breath can actually slow down your neural responses so that next time you encounter a similar event you will actually react less. There are several other benefits you can read about on Psychology Today, including but not limited to memory improvements, blood pressure regulation, and improving your metabolism.

Not only does breathing calm your emotional response, it also can stop anxiety in its tracks. Breathing in the moment can break up energy and release it from your body.

Talk to an Ally

If you have a person you are close to that can help you get through a bout of anxiety, ask for help if you need it. I would warn on becoming dependent or codependent on that person to calm you down. Save it for emergencies when you are losing your own self control and need someone to reason with your brain for you.

Breaking the Thought Wave

Breaking the thought wave can be very beneficial as a distraction from whatever is causing you anxiety. It provides a quick remedy to deal with sudden onset anxiety.

Find any object you can see. Use this image of a coffee mug as an example.

Ask yourself the following questions:

What color is it?
What shape is it?
Are there words on it?
Use an adjective to describe it.
What is it used for?

Add in any other things you need to until you calm down. Describe several objects if you run out of ways to describe the original one you chose.

Find the Source

Anxiety is your psyche screaming to you for attention. It could be an inner child that needs something from you. I have several posts that relate to my inner children and the anxiety that they brought up when they desired to be heard. It could be a memory triggered by an event that occurred but you don’t know what that is or how it relates to the present. Either way it is telling you something much in the way the body tells you with pain that something is wrong.

Listen to it.

If you are not strong enough to let the feeling take you over and dig into it to find the root cause on your own then seek help from a therapist.

Most anxiety is related to a memory or an emotional response to a memory you can’t summon. When you grow up in a toxic environment you learn to suppress feelings and find unhealthy ways to deal with your problems. These coping mechanisms do not work in real life. You will worry when there is nothing to worry about because life has told you that you have to be vigilant.

Before I started EMDR, there were times that I would come home and my husband would be cleaning. I would instantly become anxious. I had no idea that this was because of my mother. My mother was very clean. She often would criticize my bedroom and keep my friends from coming over unless it was completely spotless. Now that I have resolved that part of me, I am much more relaxed and can take care of myself before the dishes without feeling guilty for doing something for myself first.

Remove Toxicity From Your Life

While difficult, removing people that cause you anxiety or are toxic from your life is a way to calm your anxiety. Typically, those with toxic upbringings tend to allow toxic people to remain in their lives, partly due to the desire to avoid conflict and partly because it is what you know and it is comfortable.

I removed several people from my life who were not treating me or my family with the respect we deserved. My mother, my aunt, my grandmother and a few friends. After realizing that my friends were also toxic for me breaking off the friendship was pretty difficult since it was a confrontation. While cowardly, I delivered the news via text message. I wish I had the strength then that I do now to face them and tell them my true feelings.

What Works For You?

Apart from the techniques I have listed here, experiment with self care. Take an art class, a dance class or pick up an instrument and learn to play it. Read a book. Sing. Get some clay. Go for a hike.

Find the thing that heals you.

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Will I ever speak to my mother again?

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I feel fortunate to have many loving people in my life. I do not believe that my mother will add value to my life, now or in the future. No matter how many people she has talked to regarding our relationship, the truth remains that I will no longer suffer at the hands of her abuse. No longer will I allow her to belittle my accomplishments, call me names, or try to impress her ideals for my persona on me. See my post here regarding my decision to go no contact and how hard that was.

The Idea

In general, it seems that most toxic parents have their own issues and demons they cannot confront. Instead of dealing with the problem they project the problem onto their children. I admit that I have done this before I sought therapy as it is a completely learned behavior. We have at least four generations of strained mother, daughter relationships in my family. I plan to have the first normal one in a long time!

I have been asked by several people if I wish to see my mother again. Honestly, I do not think it matters to me one way or another. I know our divide comes from years of emotional strain and abuse she is not even apologetic about.

The Clause

Perhaps difficult for her, the only way I would see my mother again would be if she regularly attends therapy and genuinely apologizes for everything. She apologized to me once, however, she needed to in order to progress through the steps of AA. I realized the apology was not genuine when she held it over my head years later, see my post here.

I am content either way. I know life is happy and will continue to be happy with or without my mother in it.

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The Carnival

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Side note: I left all conversation in it’s raw form.

As a woman, you are told your entire life that your wedding is one of the most magical moments you will experience. That is until you actually start planning everything and the stress of the day piles up and consumes the fun. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people and arguments can happen.

My husband and I decided to have a Jack and Jill instead of a bridal shower. We are pretty simple people and our wedding was at our house to save some money. We chose a carnival theme for the jack and jill to raise money for our honeymoon since our wedding was paid for by my father and step mother.

Each booth was a game. There was no admission fee and all drinks and food was free.

I created an event on social media as well as a group for people that would be helping us out that day. Details about the event were supposed to be posted in the group not the event.

My Support System

My mother posted in the event. I can’t say for sure if this was intentional but my mother loves being recognized publicly for her contributions.

Her post was a description of a bulk candy lot from a site. She stated she would like to set up a candy booth. Since I had laid out all the plans in the group, she should have known that all the food was supposed to be free.

After her post drew some attention and stressed me out, my friends took action to defend me. At this point in my life I had not yet come to terms with the troubles within me and I did not feel equipped to handle the situation alone. Meanwhile, all the party guests got to witness her tirade in the event page.

The Conversation

Friend 1: “Where’d you copy this from? lol”

Mom: “Party Supplies Bulk Candy”

Friend 2: “Wait doesn’t this belong in another group? I thought this wasn’t for booth details”

Mom: ” idk waiting for [scarlet] to call”

Friend 2: “Why?”

Mom: “because i don’t know what i’m doing?

Friend 2: “Ya but there’s a seperate group to ask questions and put info like this. That’s easy to find isn’t it?”

Friend 1: “I’m not sure that this idea would work out too well for a couple of reasons.. [Scarlet] has a ticket system in place where you trade tickets for entry into a booth or event or w\e is going to be there. Not sure how you would be able to get this booth to work with that system. That and all the food is supposed to be free on that day.”

Friend 3: “I totally agree with you. It would be a bit weird given how the event is supposed to operate already.”

Friend 2: “I totally concur with you. It would be a bit strange since the event isn’t supposed to operate like that.”

Flying Monkey Cousin: “I think as [Scarlet’s] mother, [mom] was just making a suggestion and is trying to help…”

Friend 1: “Nah I get that, I’m just stating the facts though. The idea, as it sits, doesn’t fit the event in my honest opinion.”

The Backlash Begins

Mom: “so maybe i shouldn’t donate a $300 yeti cooler to raffle because it’s not a “basket””

Friend 3: “That doesn’t have anything to do with the candy booth. Unless now you are just going to use extortion to get the booth that doesn’t fit how the event runs.”

Me: “As Friend 1 said, the event has free food and all the booths are activities or games. I’m not sure how candy would fit into that although I appreciate the thought. No one else is donating booths really. Hubby and I are taking care of most of the games, it’s not necessary at all. Also, mom, you are being overly technical of the term basket. A friend is donating a cooler with camping stuff in it and that is their “basket”. In the future please post all basket raffle or booth related stuff in the group I made. This event page is meant to be for guests only.

The Private Response

My mother became enraged at her public dismissal by my friends. They defended my opinions and did not allow her to pressure her way into getting what she desired. It was my event after all. She sent me a private message meant to attack me personally.

Mom: “I didn’t know how all of this is suppose to work. I was trying to find something to be a part of everything. I am in tears because I never wanted to step on your toes by being too involved in your planning like so many mothers do spoiling it for their kids. I innocently posted an idea not knowing it would be such a problem making me look like an idiot. I am very hurt by your friends comments. I am NOT resorting to extortion. My point regarding the cooler was if giving away candy didn’t fit the planned venue how would a cooler instead of a basket fit in. I was being facetious because I didn’t expect someone to comment that way. I have limited funds, no car, still having seizures, dealing with aunt’s messed up estate, and just trying to cope. It was not my intention to have everybody in such an uproar including you with your seeming inured post that could have been posted here instead. I really don’t understand your lukewarm feelings towards me.. I asked you for forgiveness for the past and you said you forgave me but did you really? You have no idea how much I love you and want you to be happy. I am heartbroken over our lack of a normal mother/daughter relationship.”

Her Composure Weakens

I respond to her “Until you realize how you manipulate people then you cannot have a normal relationship with me. You raised me. We never had a “normal” mother daughter bond because of you. It’s not my fault. Never has been. Stop blaming other people for things. You push people away by causing drama and if you don’t see it that’s part of the problem.”

Several hours later her composure is gone and all her grand words are washed away by her fear that someone actually knows the truth. Not to mention that her long winded response was just plain fake and worded in such a way as to provoke me.

She responds without punctuation, you can almost feel the rage pulsing through her hurried words. “really who am i manipulating and what am i blaming people for thing specify the drama is this related to today or the past”

My Response

“You manipulate data. Never tell the truth or at least if you do speak truth you will release only portions of a story not the entirety of it. You blame me above for our relationship but really what love have you given me. You spat words of hurt and try to cover it up with humor. You missed your grandsons first birthday party because of some drama with [person she was dating]. It’s always some story. Some new drama. Thing is how can I really be sure when all you do is lie. This goes way back mom. Not just today. You like to make many statements you think are jokes but are not or you say them to be hurtful, I can’t be sure. Either way you play it off when it’s brought up. Example during [a] wedding. What in your mind made you want to say “[Scarlet], I have here in my purse the most important thing you should have during a wedding.” You opened it up and it was cigarettes. No one laughed, because it’s inappropriate. Another example. Thanksgiving. You had to make a point to invalidate Uncle as a minister because he “is a witch”. Then when I looked at you oddly, you tried to play it off as a joke, but you were not joking at all. You nicknamed me Big Bertha as a child. After telling you [friend] caused other kids to pick on m[e] at school, you decided to homeschool her at our house, what mom would bring a bully into their home after their child told them they were upset by their presence? Oh right a manipulative one. So there are your examples. I have more if you need. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. You are one.”

Mom: “so you are back in the past”

Me: “I’m exactly where I need to be”

Mom: “i’m done trying maybe in the years to come you will realize you have no clueas to what YOU have done”

Me: “I’ve done nothing. Keep on blaming people and you will see why you are alone” “You never try”
“There’s your blame example hahha”

Mom: “i’m done with your hateful comments”

The Game

Shortly after, my mother, who was supposed to bring my grandmother to the jack and jill party called my grandmother up and stressed her out. My mother was helping make the basket she was donating and my mother refused to complete it for her. She called me all worried that she would not be able to come to the party. I told her we would find a way to make it work and to not worry about the basket.

I decided to tell my mom to stop her games and not to come to the party. At this point she basically embarrassed herself in front of all the guests anyway.

Around the same time a friend of mine from a different state was collecting donations for a fundraiser. I donated a tablet with a gift card to help out. I hate acknowledging this but it really is relevant. My friend ended up tagging me on social media which I wasn’t too happy about but I understand she was just very grateful for my support so I didn’t let it bother me.

Now back to my mother. My mother with her anger fueled heart decided to send the yeti cooler she planned to donate to the jack and jill to our mutual friend in another state. I know that this action was for several reasons. She was spiting me for not allowing her to come and for my friends publicly humiliating her. The second reason is simply to show me up. As my mom stated above, she is broke. So why spend so much money on something you can’t afford?

The Truth

Honestly, of all the outcomes this was beautiful. Someone got a very nice addition to their raffle. The unfortunate thing as the gift was given with hate, spite and ill intent. All that negativity did turn around into a positive in the end, at least for most of us it did.

The Jack and Jill was a lot of fun. I got pied in the face since my jar had the most money, thanks to my friends for that one! Despite all the issues leading up to the event, my grandmother was able to attend and everyone had a great time!

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The Noise Within

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Today, while I was at work I began to feel anxiety. I had been lethargic all weekend. I needed to find out what was going on.

Earlier this morning, my inner child and I painted the wall vibrantly in many colors and patterns. In doing so , the anxiety temporarily subsided, but got gradually louder as the day progressed.

The Voice

After I picked up my daughter from daycare, I connected with my inner child on the way home. I asked her if she would go with me to the wall. She agreed.

As we approached the wall I began to sense what was on the other side. Anger, fear, confusion, and discontent emanated from the steel prison.

I wait. I listen. I feel.

At last comes a voice. “How could you understand? No one ever understands!”

Thoughts of the Past

I begin to decipher what this statement means and come to the conclusion that it must be related to my high school years. During those years, I had several friends that did not believe my mother could be this horrible monster I described.

My friends never saw her rage, gas lighting, extortionism, guilt tripping, and downright cruelty. Acts saved for the people closest to her, the ones that did not do as she asked, the ones that choose to shine light onto her black heart.

One day during the summer after I graduated from high school, I came home to a door with different locks. I climbed through the window, scraped my arm, and went to bed. Later on, she told me she did not expect me to break in and that she purposely locked me out. Somehow I ended up with a key, probably because she realized if I left she would lose her supply.

The Rebel

Being the defiant “brat” that I am, her words, I never shied away from telling her secrets. Defiance was not a choice. It was a journey to myself. I began living up to the unruly person she kept describing me as.

Her own power stripped by her own words!

As a young adult, I was forced to have long hair. When I was 18, I decided to chop it all off. It felt AMAZING and free. I no longer fit the persona she had been attempting to mold me into. I finally got to choose something about my own body!

Reflecting on the Future

The wall holds several keys to my success. Amazing parts of me such as my silliness and my desire to control everything in my life. Letting go of the wall will release my desires to control and my silliness. I know that by breaking down this wall of steel I will bloom and flourish in this life and hopefully the next.

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Am I a narcissist?

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If you are asking yourself this question then you are most likely not a narcissist.

Narcissistic traits like being controlling, being unable to relax, acting different in public versus at home, and having trouble admitting mistakes can all be present in those who are not narcissists. It does not mean you are narcissistic. Instead, you learned how to be human from a narcissist.

I once confronted my mother about her narcissism. See my post here that explains the events leading up to the confrontation.

Why do I worry about being a narcissist?

As a parent, I sometimes lose my patience with my kids, my anxiety spikes and I lash out. Afterwards, I am overcome with immediate guilt and fear that I am just like my mother.

I see many similarities in my mother and myself which does not mean I am a narcissist. She is a person after all and people at their cores share many similarities

Why does anxiety feel like narcissism?

Anxiety.

Anxiety is the biggest factor in why I feel narcissistic sometimes. My anxiety builds actually mimics narcissistic behaviors.

I used to be severely controlling of every aspect of my life. I was unable to relax, alert to every possible problem that could arise. Anxiety made me feel the need to control everything.

If I was not in control ,then something bad was surely going to happen. If things did not work out as expected, I got angry. This totally feels like narcissism and the calm before the storm.

Why do I act differently in public than at home?

At home you are in your comfort zone, you feel comfortable showing your family everything, including anger.

When I was young, I learned to behave differently at home than I did in the public eye. My mother dressed up with full make up to go to the grocery store. She could not be seen unless she presented herself this way.

My mother acted completely different to friends than she did to us. There were times she would cook expensive meals for her friends and leave us with boxed mac and cheese for dinner. I too picked this up as a behavioral norm but have since realized my family comes first.

The hardest thing I learned growing up was that the approval of others defined me and if someone did not like me that reflected badly on my mother. I have since learned that if someone does not like the person that I truly am, they do not belong in my life.

Why do I have trouble admitting my mistakes?

There are so many things that do not go right everyday. When a mistake is made by a person it does not immediately mean they are inherently bad. That person is learning. Mistakes make us better people unless the mistake is made by someone whose main focus has been to be seen as perfect to avoid any backlash from their toxic parent.

When you are constantly told to be an ever changing definition of perfect, mistakes become a huge problem. The perfection sought is never reachable and morphs every second. The problem with admitting mistakes is that you are now no longer living up to the standards you think other people have for you. Standards that do not matter, but are overpowering in your daily life.

Healing

Once you understand yourself and how anxiety and your upbringing can mimic narcissism you can then begin to heal. Be more compassionate to yourself and to the experiences that make up the life you had as a child. No one is perfect and we all need to know that who we are is not defined by others.

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Why am I afraid of having a daughter?

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Will she be like me?

My biggest fear is that my daughter will end up like me.

I don’t mean the good parts of me like my genuine heart, kindness, friendliness, creativity, and determination. If she inherits these traits, I would be very proud.

I fear she will question herself.
I fear she will not know her worth.
I fear she will be abused.
I fear she will think she is not enough.
I fear she will seek perfection in her life.
I fear she will think she is not beautiful.
I fear she will try to make others happy before herself.

Will she be close to me?

In my family, there are at least four generations of strained mother and daughter relationships. I do not speak to my mother or grandmother. My mother only speaks to her mother when it suits her needs. My grandmother never spoke highly of my great grandmother.

I fear that she will grow up and leave just as many generations of daughters have; just like I have to protect myself and my family. What if I fail her as a mother and she feels the need to separate from me? Does this mean the cycle of abuse was not broken

My Wish

Baby girl,

I wish you peace, love, and happiness. I hope you see your beauty, inside and out. I hope you make time for yourself and take care of your needs first.

You are a blessing.

Your name means “bright shining light” and I hope that light burns bright within you. You are more than enough.

I vow to do my best to keep you from harm.

Love,
Momma

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When can I break NC?

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The decision to break NC is one that should be thought through and all the pros and cons weighed. Breaking NC means that all the toxicity will return; it may not be immediate if the toxic individual is in the love-bombing stage. If you are not prepared for this then simply do not contact the individual.

When regaining contact with the toxic parent, they will assume that you are speaking to them again because a blanket of forgiveness has fallen over them; we are friends again!

There are other reasons to break contact such as a death in the family and other circumstances but those must be evaluated on a case by case basis.

Why is staying NC so hard?

I did not go to my cousins funeral last year (2018); I was still healing. My cousin was survived by several siblings. After reading the condolences, I realized people were not extending condolences to his siblings, but rather to my mother. To keep myself safe , I chose not to go despite the guilt I felt for not honoring his passing properly.

I was also not prepared to answer questions regarding my decision to go NC with my mother from other family members. Most family members don’t see the truth or they have been told lies by the toxic person that they believe. One of the hardest parts is just ignoring them and letting your truth shine through.

Society has a way of guilting you into talking to your toxic family members again. See my post here about why you can feel guilty going NC in the first place.

Going NC can also be difficult when all you have known is chaos. When the chaos dissipates, you are left with nothing. Nothing feels weird. You begin to question the nothingness and whether or not nothing means that something is right around the corner. Anxiety spikes and fear drives your body into fight or flight more.