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Side note: I left all conversation in it’s raw form.
As a woman, you are told your entire life that your wedding is one of the most magical moments you will experience. That is until you actually start planning everything and the stress of the day piles up and consumes the fun. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people and arguments can happen.
My husband and I decided to have a Jack and Jill instead of a bridal shower. We are pretty simple people and our wedding was at our house to save some money. We chose a carnival theme for the jack and jill to raise money for our honeymoon since our wedding was paid for by my father and step mother.
Each booth was a game. There was no admission fee and all drinks and food was free.
I created an event on social media as well as a group for people that would be helping us out that day. Details about the event were supposed to be posted in the group not the event.
My Support System
My mother posted in the event. I can’t say for sure if this was intentional but my mother loves being recognized publicly for her contributions.
Her post was a description of a bulk candy lot from a site. She stated she would like to set up a candy booth. Since I had laid out all the plans in the group, she should have known that all the food was supposed to be free.
After her post drew some attention and stressed me out, my friends took action to defend me. At this point in my life I had not yet come to terms with the troubles within me and I did not feel equipped to handle the situation alone. Meanwhile, all the party guests got to witness her tirade in the event page.
The Conversation
Friend 1: “Where’d you copy this from? lol”
Mom: “Party Supplies Bulk Candy”
Friend 2: “Wait doesn’t this belong in another group? I thought this wasn’t for booth details”
Mom: ” idk waiting for [scarlet] to call”
Friend 2: “Why?”
Mom: “because i don’t know what i’m doing?
Friend 2: “Ya but there’s a seperate group to ask questions and put info like this. That’s easy to find isn’t it?”
Friend 1: “I’m not sure that this idea would work out too well for a couple of reasons.. [Scarlet] has a ticket system in place where you trade tickets for entry into a booth or event or w\e is going to be there. Not sure how you would be able to get this booth to work with that system. That and all the food is supposed to be free on that day.”
Friend 3: “I totally agree with you. It would be a bit weird given how the event is supposed to operate already.”
Friend 2: “I totally concur with you. It would be a bit strange since the event isn’t supposed to operate like that.”
Flying Monkey Cousin: “I think as [Scarlet’s] mother, [mom] was just making a suggestion and is trying to help…”
Friend 1: “Nah I get that, I’m just stating the facts though. The idea, as it sits, doesn’t fit the event in my honest opinion.”
The Backlash Begins
Mom: “so maybe i shouldn’t donate a $300 yeti cooler to raffle because it’s not a “basket””
Friend 3: “That doesn’t have anything to do with the candy booth. Unless now you are just going to use extortion to get the booth that doesn’t fit how the event runs.”
Me: “As Friend 1 said, the event has free food and all the booths are activities or games. I’m not sure how candy would fit into that although I appreciate the thought. No one else is donating booths really. Hubby and I are taking care of most of the games, it’s not necessary at all. Also, mom, you are being overly technical of the term basket. A friend is donating a cooler with camping stuff in it and that is their “basket”. In the future please post all basket raffle or booth related stuff in the group I made. This event page is meant to be for guests only.
The Private Response
My mother became enraged at her public dismissal by my friends. They defended my opinions and did not allow her to pressure her way into getting what she desired. It was my event after all. She sent me a private message meant to attack me personally.
Mom: “I didn’t know how all of this is suppose to work. I was trying to find something to be a part of everything. I am in tears because I never wanted to step on your toes by being too involved in your planning like so many mothers do spoiling it for their kids. I innocently posted an idea not knowing it would be such a problem making me look like an idiot. I am very hurt by your friends comments. I am NOT resorting to extortion. My point regarding the cooler was if giving away candy didn’t fit the planned venue how would a cooler instead of a basket fit in. I was being facetious because I didn’t expect someone to comment that way. I have limited funds, no car, still having seizures, dealing with aunt’s messed up estate, and just trying to cope. It was not my intention to have everybody in such an uproar including you with your seeming inured post that could have been posted here instead. I really don’t understand your lukewarm feelings towards me.. I asked you for forgiveness for the past and you said you forgave me but did you really? You have no idea how much I love you and want you to be happy. I am heartbroken over our lack of a normal mother/daughter relationship.”
Her Composure Weakens
I respond to her “Until you realize how you manipulate people then you cannot have a normal relationship with me. You raised me. We never had a “normal” mother daughter bond because of you. It’s not my fault. Never has been. Stop blaming other people for things. You push people away by causing drama and if you don’t see it that’s part of the problem.”
Several hours later her composure is gone and all her grand words are washed away by her fear that someone actually knows the truth. Not to mention that her long winded response was just plain fake and worded in such a way as to provoke me.
She responds without punctuation, you can almost feel the rage pulsing through her hurried words. “really who am i manipulating and what am i blaming people for thing specify the drama is this related to today or the past”
My Response
“You manipulate data. Never tell the truth or at least if you do speak truth you will release only portions of a story not the entirety of it. You blame me above for our relationship but really what love have you given me. You spat words of hurt and try to cover it up with humor. You missed your grandsons first birthday party because of some drama with [person she was dating]. It’s always some story. Some new drama. Thing is how can I really be sure when all you do is lie. This goes way back mom. Not just today. You like to make many statements you think are jokes but are not or you say them to be hurtful, I can’t be sure. Either way you play it off when it’s brought up. Example during [a] wedding. What in your mind made you want to say “[Scarlet], I have here in my purse the most important thing you should have during a wedding.” You opened it up and it was cigarettes. No one laughed, because it’s inappropriate. Another example. Thanksgiving. You had to make a point to invalidate Uncle as a minister because he “is a witch”. Then when I looked at you oddly, you tried to play it off as a joke, but you were not joking at all. You nicknamed me Big Bertha as a child. After telling you [friend] caused other kids to pick on m[e] at school, you decided to homeschool her at our house, what mom would bring a bully into their home after their child told them they were upset by their presence? Oh right a manipulative one. So there are your examples. I have more if you need. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. You are one.”
Mom: “so you are back in the past”
Me: “I’m exactly where I need to be”
Mom: “i’m done trying maybe in the years to come you will realize you have no clueas to what YOU have done”
Me: “I’ve done nothing. Keep on blaming people and you will see why you are alone” “You never try”
“There’s your blame example hahha”
Mom: “i’m done with your hateful comments”
The Game
Shortly after, my mother, who was supposed to bring my grandmother to the jack and jill party called my grandmother up and stressed her out. My mother was helping make the basket she was donating and my mother refused to complete it for her. She called me all worried that she would not be able to come to the party. I told her we would find a way to make it work and to not worry about the basket.
I decided to tell my mom to stop her games and not to come to the party. At this point she basically embarrassed herself in front of all the guests anyway.
Around the same time a friend of mine from a different state was collecting donations for a fundraiser. I donated a tablet with a gift card to help out. I hate acknowledging this but it really is relevant. My friend ended up tagging me on social media which I wasn’t too happy about but I understand she was just very grateful for my support so I didn’t let it bother me.
Now back to my mother. My mother with her anger fueled heart decided to send the yeti cooler she planned to donate to the jack and jill to our mutual friend in another state. I know that this action was for several reasons. She was spiting me for not allowing her to come and for my friends publicly humiliating her. The second reason is simply to show me up. As my mom stated above, she is broke. So why spend so much money on something you can’t afford?
The Truth
Honestly, of all the outcomes this was beautiful. Someone got a very nice addition to their raffle. The unfortunate thing as the gift was given with hate, spite and ill intent. All that negativity did turn around into a positive in the end, at least for most of us it did.
The Jack and Jill was a lot of fun. I got pied in the face since my jar had the most money, thanks to my friends for that one! Despite all the issues leading up to the event, my grandmother was able to attend and everyone had a great time!
