Tag: no contact

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What happens when someone you chose to remove from your life passes on?

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The choice to remove someone from your life is not easy. The decision will be questioned everyday. It can be very hard for another to understand how hard it is to stop talking to someone you love. Someone you wanted to love you in the same unconditional way you love them but that person was unable to love back without causing great pain and turmoil in yourself.

The End

All things come to an end.

A day.
A week.
A month.
A year.

Each of the above pass by, beginning and ending again and again. Each ending comes with a sense of peace, growth and harmony. A life coming to an end is a more significant event than the end of a day. In death a person is at peace even if those closest are not at peace themselves.

This year has been a hard hit for my family. In December, my Grandma passed and although she lasted a lot longer than we expected it still hurt us very much. My mother-in-law passed shortly after in the springtime. That came as a surprise to us and we were not quite ready for it. Shortly after that, I found out the grandmother that I do not speak to was near the end of her journey on this planet.

The Decision

Deciding to refrain from visiting my grandmother before she passed came fairly easy. In life I chose to remove myself from her life. Why would death change that?

Death is not an ending but the beginning of your next chapter. When we meet again, I know my grandmother will have more clarity and understanding than she did in this world. I chose to love her from a distance in order to protect my own soul.

What did not come easily was being questioned about my decision. A few had good intentions and wanted to make sure I did not regret my decision, they supported whatever I decided one hundred percent. I wish I could explain my actions in a way to make everyone understand why but it is just not possible. No person will ever truly understand the grief, fear and other emotions I felt in the presence of those that were toxic to me.

Demons can be faced and overcome. The clarity that comes after facing your own demons allows you to apologize to those that you have wronged and forgive others that have wronged you. Forgiveness and apologies do not mean you will allow toxic behavior in your life. It simply means you have made peace with the byproduct of those toxicities within yourself.

Our human existence has a way of clouding our true potential for compassion for each other. My own mental cloud has not allowed me to be able to open myself up to the mental anguish my toxic family members put me through. From disguised insults to toxic gossip, I choose not to put up with the continual barrage of harmful and negative talk. I choose to live in the light instead of the dark and surround myself with those that brighten my life.

My Wish

I hope my Gram can find peace in the afterlife. I am aware of how much anxiety she had in this life and how that impacted how she treated people. Anxiety is the worst lens to view the world though. I understand her journey and wish her peace.

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When can I break NC?

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The decision to break NC is one that should be thought through and all the pros and cons weighed. Breaking NC means that all the toxicity will return; it may not be immediate if the toxic individual is in the love-bombing stage. If you are not prepared for this then simply do not contact the individual.

When regaining contact with the toxic parent, they will assume that you are speaking to them again because a blanket of forgiveness has fallen over them; we are friends again!

There are other reasons to break contact such as a death in the family and other circumstances but those must be evaluated on a case by case basis.

Why is staying NC so hard?

I did not go to my cousins funeral last year (2018); I was still healing. My cousin was survived by several siblings. After reading the condolences, I realized people were not extending condolences to his siblings, but rather to my mother. To keep myself safe , I chose not to go despite the guilt I felt for not honoring his passing properly.

I was also not prepared to answer questions regarding my decision to go NC with my mother from other family members. Most family members don’t see the truth or they have been told lies by the toxic person that they believe. One of the hardest parts is just ignoring them and letting your truth shine through.

Society has a way of guilting you into talking to your toxic family members again. See my post here about why you can feel guilty going NC in the first place.

Going NC can also be difficult when all you have known is chaos. When the chaos dissipates, you are left with nothing. Nothing feels weird. You begin to question the nothingness and whether or not nothing means that something is right around the corner. Anxiety spikes and fear drives your body into fight or flight more.

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Why do I feel guilty going no contact?

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Deciding to go NC(no contact) is a huge step in regaining control over your life. It can bring peace. With that peace, anxiety and fear can surface. Fear that the person you are no longer speaking to will lash out at you in some grand way. Fear, that they will spread lies about you, or fear that things are simply calm. Who are we kidding, when has life been calm?

Why do kids make going NC harder?

Having kids really changes the guilt factor when you go NC. People post things on social media about how the adult ego should be disregarded so that children can see their families.

Family is just a word. Just because a person carried you in their body, sorta kept you alive, and sometimes gave you food does not mean they are family. And under no circumstances should a person be subject to the mental mind games of a toxic individual.

Family are loving people that enrich our lives and genuinely care about how we feel. When we feel down, they are there to help us back up, not dig us further into the dark.

My children do not deserve to be treated the way I was. Until I realized the cause of all my anxiety and depression, I fell into the trap of allowing my mother and grandmother to see my son. That was a mistake.

My mother used information from conversations with my grandmother to get information. It was then that I realized I had to sever ties with both. Not just for myself but for my kids. My kids needed to l know that no matter who the person is, they have the right to stand up to them. Even if that person is “family.”

Why do people want me to talk to a toxic person?

Many people will actually try to convince you to speak to your toxic parent. Those that seek to do this have no ill intent. Their naivety actually plays with the guilt we are already feeling within us.

Guilt is intertwined with our trust in ourselves and our trust in our decisions. Many times a toxic parent will undermine your feelings, ideas, and memory in an attempt to keep control. What many people do not realize is that by suggesting that we talk to the toxic parent, they are pulling at every one of those emotions within us. Part of us feels obligated to comply with their request, whether it be out of fear or guilt.

When can I break NC?

See my post discussing breaking NC.