Tag: parenting

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Why am I afraid of having a daughter?

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Will she be like me?

My biggest fear is that my daughter will end up like me.

I don’t mean the good parts of me like my genuine heart, kindness, friendliness, creativity, and determination. If she inherits these traits, I would be very proud.

I fear she will question herself.
I fear she will not know her worth.
I fear she will be abused.
I fear she will think she is not enough.
I fear she will seek perfection in her life.
I fear she will think she is not beautiful.
I fear she will try to make others happy before herself.

Will she be close to me?

In my family, there are at least four generations of strained mother and daughter relationships. I do not speak to my mother or grandmother. My mother only speaks to her mother when it suits her needs. My grandmother never spoke highly of my great grandmother.

I fear that she will grow up and leave just as many generations of daughters have; just like I have to protect myself and my family. What if I fail her as a mother and she feels the need to separate from me? Does this mean the cycle of abuse was not broken

My Wish

Baby girl,

I wish you peace, love, and happiness. I hope you see your beauty, inside and out. I hope you make time for yourself and take care of your needs first.

You are a blessing.

Your name means “bright shining light” and I hope that light burns bright within you. You are more than enough.

I vow to do my best to keep you from harm.

Love,
Momma

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When can I break NC?

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The decision to break NC is one that should be thought through and all the pros and cons weighed. Breaking NC means that all the toxicity will return; it may not be immediate if the toxic individual is in the love-bombing stage. If you are not prepared for this then simply do not contact the individual.

When regaining contact with the toxic parent, they will assume that you are speaking to them again because a blanket of forgiveness has fallen over them; we are friends again!

There are other reasons to break contact such as a death in the family and other circumstances but those must be evaluated on a case by case basis.

Why is staying NC so hard?

I did not go to my cousins funeral last year (2018); I was still healing. My cousin was survived by several siblings. After reading the condolences, I realized people were not extending condolences to his siblings, but rather to my mother. To keep myself safe , I chose not to go despite the guilt I felt for not honoring his passing properly.

I was also not prepared to answer questions regarding my decision to go NC with my mother from other family members. Most family members don’t see the truth or they have been told lies by the toxic person that they believe. One of the hardest parts is just ignoring them and letting your truth shine through.

Society has a way of guilting you into talking to your toxic family members again. See my post here about why you can feel guilty going NC in the first place.

Going NC can also be difficult when all you have known is chaos. When the chaos dissipates, you are left with nothing. Nothing feels weird. You begin to question the nothingness and whether or not nothing means that something is right around the corner. Anxiety spikes and fear drives your body into fight or flight more.

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Why do I feel guilty going no contact?

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Deciding to go NC(no contact) is a huge step in regaining control over your life. It can bring peace. With that peace, anxiety and fear can surface. Fear that the person you are no longer speaking to will lash out at you in some grand way. Fear, that they will spread lies about you, or fear that things are simply calm. Who are we kidding, when has life been calm?

Why do kids make going NC harder?

Having kids really changes the guilt factor when you go NC. People post things on social media about how the adult ego should be disregarded so that children can see their families.

Family is just a word. Just because a person carried you in their body, sorta kept you alive, and sometimes gave you food does not mean they are family. And under no circumstances should a person be subject to the mental mind games of a toxic individual.

Family are loving people that enrich our lives and genuinely care about how we feel. When we feel down, they are there to help us back up, not dig us further into the dark.

My children do not deserve to be treated the way I was. Until I realized the cause of all my anxiety and depression, I fell into the trap of allowing my mother and grandmother to see my son. That was a mistake.

My mother used information from conversations with my grandmother to get information. It was then that I realized I had to sever ties with both. Not just for myself but for my kids. My kids needed to l know that no matter who the person is, they have the right to stand up to them. Even if that person is “family.”

Why do people want me to talk to a toxic person?

Many people will actually try to convince you to speak to your toxic parent. Those that seek to do this have no ill intent. Their naivety actually plays with the guilt we are already feeling within us.

Guilt is intertwined with our trust in ourselves and our trust in our decisions. Many times a toxic parent will undermine your feelings, ideas, and memory in an attempt to keep control. What many people do not realize is that by suggesting that we talk to the toxic parent, they are pulling at every one of those emotions within us. Part of us feels obligated to comply with their request, whether it be out of fear or guilt.

When can I break NC?

See my post discussing breaking NC.

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How can parenting after trauma affect mood?

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Self Doubt

Apart from normal mom guilt that everyone experiences, I have endured guilt from unknown sources within me. It makes me question every decision., listen to those that doubt me and use their doubts as fuel to guilt myself. The cycle of guilt ran rampant in my heart and I had several mood swings and outbursts.

Fear

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I was initially excited because we already have a son. That excitement faded to fear. Fear that she would become like I am. Fear that I would not be able to break the cycle of abuse. Fear that one day she may never talk to me again. Fear that I would hurt her the way others have hurt me.

Anger

Parenting after childhood trauma made me angry. Before I had kids, I was carefree. Now, I felt trapped. I was angry for not being able to take care of my children as well as other mom’s do. I was angry for not keeping the house as clean as I thought it should be. I was angry when my children defied me. I was angry with life. Everything made me angry and I felt like I was stuck in a repetitive cycle where days turned into weeks which turned to months. I did not take care of myself and felt obligated to do more for others than I should have.

Worthlessness

My son used to be all about Daddy. He loves Daddy. At some point my mind twisted the love of my son into a competition against my husband. I would get angry, feel useless and think there was no point to my existence in this family. I thought everyone would be happier if I lived somewhere else and did not come back.

How to fix it?

In order to get rid of the anger, the fear, the self doubt, the worthlessness and obtain peace, I have trudge through the dark places in my heart. For an example, see my post about the battle my youngest inner child endured.

This has been the hardest yet most fulfilling part of my life. I have been in therapy, in EMDR therapy, temporarily taken mood stabilizers and taken time to take care of myself.

The only way to get better is to go through it and shed light on the dark places of your heart.