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It seems that where you find one toxic person, you find another. As you start to realize what this toxicity looks like, your eyes open to all the toxicity you have been living with all this time.
Family Dynamics
In my family, there are four toxic people that I am aware of, see my toxic family tree here. It appears that there are at least four generations of mother and daughter relationship problems. Apart from my mother, my grandmother and my aunt are both toxic. My grandmother informed me that her mother and grandmother were not the best people either. I can only speculate that this toxicity has been passed down for a long time.
It is strange that this toxicity seems to only affect the women in the family, minus one male cousin, leaving the men unscathed as my mom has two brothers who do not exhibit this toxic behavior as far as I have seen.
Due to the toxic maternal influence, I was terrified to have a daughter, see my post here.
Control
Growing up my mom actually made me fear one of her brothers, my grandfather (my dad’s father), and most other men in the family. She projected her own sexual abuse onto me and I wish that I had understood that these men are good kind people and did not wish to hurt me. Unbeknown to her, I was sexually abused albeit by a cousin, my mom’s sisters son. The people she sought to protect me from were not the people hurting me. Her sister, mother and my cousin were the ones I needed to be protected from.
My mother was too weak to stand up to her sister and her mother and let herself be controlled. She projected that onto her children and she controlled us in anyway she could.
Reality
The reality is that my mother’s sister is what I call the “alpha narc.” My aunt has the control in that relationship. See my posts here and here regarding her treatment of me.
I have not figured out if my grandmother is a narcissist or just toxic. She is brutally honest to the point where I believe she crosses the line into cruelty. Whether this is a projection of her own issues or a learned behavior, it is almost understandable how my aunt and mother act based on their upbringing.
No Contact
I choose to be out of contact from all the toxic people in my family, see my posts about no contact here and here. Those that seek to disarm my peace and well being are removed from my life. It is unfortunate that I have had to block several social media accounts of family members that passed away because I knew my mother had access to them. My personal well being is of higher value than these toxic people. My children will not be subjected to the same abuse.