Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
It seems that where you find one toxic person, you find another. As you start to realize what this toxicity looks like, your eyes open to all the toxicity you have been living with all this time.
Family Dynamics
In my family, there are four toxic people that I am aware of, see my toxic family tree here. It appears that there are at least four generations of mother and daughter relationship problems. Apart from my mother, my grandmother and my aunt are both toxic. My grandmother informed me that her mother and grandmother were not the best people either. I can only speculate that this toxicity has been passed down for a long time.
It is strange that this toxicity seems to only affect the women in the family, minus one male cousin, leaving the men unscathed as my mom has two brothers who do not exhibit this toxic behavior as far as I have seen.
Due to the toxic maternal influence, I was terrified to have a daughter, see my post here.
Control
Growing up my mom actually made me fear one of her brothers, my grandfather (my dad’s father), and most other men in the family. She projected her own sexual abuse onto me and I wish that I had understood that these men are good kind people and did not wish to hurt me. Unbeknown to her, I was sexually abused albeit by a cousin, my mom’s sisters son. The people she sought to protect me from were not the people hurting me. Her sister, mother and my cousin were the ones I needed to be protected from.
My mother was too weak to stand up to her sister and her mother and let herself be controlled. She projected that onto her children and she controlled us in anyway she could.
Reality
The reality is that my mother’s sister is what I call the “alpha narc.” My aunt has the control in that relationship. See my posts here and here regarding her treatment of me.
I have not figured out if my grandmother is a narcissist or just toxic. She is brutally honest to the point where I believe she crosses the line into cruelty. Whether this is a projection of her own issues or a learned behavior, it is almost understandable how my aunt and mother act based on their upbringing.
No Contact
I choose to be out of contact from all the toxic people in my family, see my posts about no contact here and here. Those that seek to disarm my peace and well being are removed from my life. It is unfortunate that I have had to block several social media accounts of family members that passed away because I knew my mother had access to them. My personal well being is of higher value than these toxic people. My children will not be subjected to the same abuse.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
I feel fortunate to have many loving people in my life. I do not believe that my mother will add value to my life, now or in the future. No matter how many people she has talked to regarding our relationship, the truth remains that I will no longer suffer at the hands of her abuse. No longer will I allow her to belittle my accomplishments, call me names, or try to impress her ideals for my persona on me. See my post here regarding my decision to go no contact and how hard that was.
The Idea
In general, it seems that most toxic parents have their own issues and demons they cannot confront. Instead of dealing with the problem they project the problem onto their children. I admit that I have done this before I sought therapy as it is a completely learned behavior. We have at least four generations of strained mother, daughter relationships in my family. I plan to have the first normal one in a long time!
I have been asked by several people if I wish to see my mother again. Honestly, I do not think it matters to me one way or another. I know our divide comes from years of emotional strain and abuse she is not even apologetic about.
The Clause
Perhaps difficult for her, the only way I would see my mother again would be if she regularly attends therapy and genuinely apologizes for everything. She apologized to me once, however, she needed to in order to progress through the steps of AA. I realized the apology was not genuine when she held it over my head years later, see my post here.
I am content either way. I know life is happy and will continue to be happy with or without my mother in it.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
Side note: I left all conversation in it’s raw form.
As a woman, you are told your entire life that your wedding is one of the most magical moments you will experience. That is until you actually start planning everything and the stress of the day piles up and consumes the fun. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people and arguments can happen.
My husband and I decided to have a Jack and Jill instead of a bridal shower. We are pretty simple people and our wedding was at our house to save some money. We chose a carnival theme for the jack and jill to raise money for our honeymoon since our wedding was paid for by my father and step mother.
Each booth was a game. There was no admission fee and all drinks and food was free.
I created an event on social media as well as a group for people that would be helping us out that day. Details about the event were supposed to be posted in the group not the event.
My Support System
My mother posted in the event. I can’t say for sure if this was intentional but my mother loves being recognized publicly for her contributions.
Her post was a description of a bulk candy lot from a site. She stated she would like to set up a candy booth. Since I had laid out all the plans in the group, she should have known that all the food was supposed to be free.
After her post drew some attention and stressed me out, my friends took action to defend me. At this point in my life I had not yet come to terms with the troubles within me and I did not feel equipped to handle the situation alone. Meanwhile, all the party guests got to witness her tirade in the event page.
The Conversation
Friend 1: “Where’d you copy this from? lol”
Mom: “Party Supplies Bulk Candy”
Friend 2: “Wait doesn’t this belong in another group? I thought this wasn’t for booth details”
Mom: ” idk waiting for [scarlet] to call”
Friend 2: “Why?”
Mom: “because i don’t know what i’m doing?
Friend 2: “Ya but there’s a seperate group to ask questions and put info like this. That’s easy to find isn’t it?”
Friend 1: “I’m not sure that this idea would work out too well for a couple of reasons.. [Scarlet] has a ticket system in place where you trade tickets for entry into a booth or event or w\e is going to be there. Not sure how you would be able to get this booth to work with that system. That and all the food is supposed to be free on that day.”
Friend 3: “I totally agree with you. It would be a bit weird given how the event is supposed to operate already.”
Friend 2: “I totally concur with you. It would be a bit strange since the event isn’t supposed to operate like that.”
Flying Monkey Cousin: “I think as [Scarlet’s] mother, [mom] was just making a suggestion and is trying to help…”
Friend 1: “Nah I get that, I’m just stating the facts though. The idea, as it sits, doesn’t fit the event in my honest opinion.”
The Backlash Begins
Mom: “so maybe i shouldn’t donate a $300 yeti cooler to raffle because it’s not a “basket””
Friend 3: “That doesn’t have anything to do with the candy booth. Unless now you are just going to use extortion to get the booth that doesn’t fit how the event runs.”
Me: “As Friend 1 said, the event has free food and all the booths are activities or games. I’m not sure how candy would fit into that although I appreciate the thought. No one else is donating booths really. Hubby and I are taking care of most of the games, it’s not necessary at all. Also, mom, you are being overly technical of the term basket. A friend is donating a cooler with camping stuff in it and that is their “basket”. In the future please post all basket raffle or booth related stuff in the group I made. This event page is meant to be for guests only.
The Private Response
My mother became enraged at her public dismissal by my friends. They defended my opinions and did not allow her to pressure her way into getting what she desired. It was my event after all. She sent me a private message meant to attack me personally.
Mom: “I didn’t know how all of this is suppose to work. I was trying to find something to be a part of everything. I am in tears because I never wanted to step on your toes by being too involved in your planning like so many mothers do spoiling it for their kids. I innocently posted an idea not knowing it would be such a problem making me look like an idiot. I am very hurt by your friends comments. I am NOT resorting to extortion. My point regarding the cooler was if giving away candy didn’t fit the planned venue how would a cooler instead of a basket fit in. I was being facetious because I didn’t expect someone to comment that way. I have limited funds, no car, still having seizures, dealing with aunt’s messed up estate, and just trying to cope. It was not my intention to have everybody in such an uproar including you with your seeming inured post that could have been posted here instead. I really don’t understand your lukewarm feelings towards me.. I asked you for forgiveness for the past and you said you forgave me but did you really? You have no idea how much I love you and want you to be happy. I am heartbroken over our lack of a normal mother/daughter relationship.”
Her Composure Weakens
I respond to her “Until you realize how you manipulate people then you cannot have a normal relationship with me. You raised me. We never had a “normal” mother daughter bond because of you. It’s not my fault. Never has been. Stop blaming other people for things. You push people away by causing drama and if you don’t see it that’s part of the problem.”
Several hours later her composure is gone and all her grand words are washed away by her fear that someone actually knows the truth. Not to mention that her long winded response was just plain fake and worded in such a way as to provoke me.
She responds without punctuation, you can almost feel the rage pulsing through her hurried words. “really who am i manipulating and what am i blaming people for thing specify the drama is this related to today or the past”
My Response
“You manipulate data. Never tell the truth or at least if you do speak truth you will release only portions of a story not the entirety of it. You blame me above for our relationship but really what love have you given me. You spat words of hurt and try to cover it up with humor. You missed your grandsons first birthday party because of some drama with [person she was dating]. It’s always some story. Some new drama. Thing is how can I really be sure when all you do is lie. This goes way back mom. Not just today. You like to make many statements you think are jokes but are not or you say them to be hurtful, I can’t be sure. Either way you play it off when it’s brought up. Example during [a] wedding. What in your mind made you want to say “[Scarlet], I have here in my purse the most important thing you should have during a wedding.” You opened it up and it was cigarettes. No one laughed, because it’s inappropriate. Another example. Thanksgiving. You had to make a point to invalidate Uncle as a minister because he “is a witch”. Then when I looked at you oddly, you tried to play it off as a joke, but you were not joking at all. You nicknamed me Big Bertha as a child. After telling you [friend] caused other kids to pick on m[e] at school, you decided to homeschool her at our house, what mom would bring a bully into their home after their child told them they were upset by their presence? Oh right a manipulative one. So there are your examples. I have more if you need. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. You are one.”
Mom: “so you are back in the past”
Me: “I’m exactly where I need to be”
Mom: “i’m done trying maybe in the years to come you will realize you have no clueas to what YOU have done”
Me: “I’ve done nothing. Keep on blaming people and you will see why you are alone” “You never try” “There’s your blame example hahha”
Mom: “i’m done with your hateful comments”
The Game
Shortly after, my mother, who was supposed to bring my grandmother to the jack and jill party called my grandmother up and stressed her out. My mother was helping make the basket she was donating and my mother refused to complete it for her. She called me all worried that she would not be able to come to the party. I told her we would find a way to make it work and to not worry about the basket.
I decided to tell my mom to stop her games and not to come to the party. At this point she basically embarrassed herself in front of all the guests anyway.
Around the same time a friend of mine from a different state was collecting donations for a fundraiser. I donated a tablet with a gift card to help out. I hate acknowledging this but it really is relevant. My friend ended up tagging me on social media which I wasn’t too happy about but I understand she was just very grateful for my support so I didn’t let it bother me.
Now back to my mother. My mother with her anger fueled heart decided to send the yeti cooler she planned to donate to the jack and jill to our mutual friend in another state. I know that this action was for several reasons. She was spiting me for not allowing her to come and for my friends publicly humiliating her. The second reason is simply to show me up. As my mom stated above, she is broke. So why spend so much money on something you can’t afford?
The Truth
Honestly, of all the outcomes this was beautiful. Someone got a very nice addition to their raffle. The unfortunate thing as the gift was given with hate, spite and ill intent. All that negativity did turn around into a positive in the end, at least for most of us it did.
The Jack and Jill was a lot of fun. I got pied in the face since my jar had the most money, thanks to my friends for that one! Despite all the issues leading up to the event, my grandmother was able to attend and everyone had a great time!
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
After a busy day at work, planning out some things in my life, and taking care of my kids, I chose to take a day to reflect upon the days events.
Triggered
The noise behind the wall became impatient. Triggered by some of the days events, the thoughts of “No one understands” began to run wild. Fortunately, I know that no one can possible understand what I had been through, except for maybe my family, but even their experiences of events could be different.
I tried to connect with my youngest inner child to ask if she was holding up with all the chaos. Immediately, an angry, unruly inner being confronted me and was up in my face screaming inaudible words. My anxiety spiked. This was not the experience I expected when I connected to my young inner self.
Eventually, the anger relaxed as I tried to calm it by repeatedly explaining that, of course, no one understands. Of course, no one ever will, but that’s okay. Just because a person does not understand, does not mean a person does not care.
Realization
No matter who you are and what you have experienced, no person will ever know what you felt. Even if a person experiences similar emotions, has similar life events, it does not change the fact that their reaction and understanding will not be the same as yours. Your own understanding of events can change over time, morph into demons or become so distant in the mind that we barely remember it occurred.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
Today, while I was at work I began to feel anxiety. I had been lethargic all weekend. I needed to find out what was going on.
Earlier this morning, my inner child and I painted the wall vibrantly in many colors and patterns. In doing so , the anxiety temporarily subsided, but got gradually louder as the day progressed.
The Voice
After I picked up my daughter from daycare, I connected with my inner child on the way home. I asked her if she would go with me to the wall. She agreed.
As we approached the wall I began to sense what was on the other side. Anger, fear, confusion, and discontent emanated from the steel prison.
I wait. I listen. I feel.
At last comes a voice. “How could you understand? No one ever understands!”
Thoughts of the Past
I begin to decipher what this statement means and come to the conclusion that it must be related to my high school years. During those years, I had several friends that did not believe my mother could be this horrible monster I described.
My friends never saw her rage, gas lighting, extortionism, guilt tripping, and downright cruelty. Acts saved for the people closest to her, the ones that did not do as she asked, the ones that choose to shine light onto her black heart.
One day during the summer after I graduated from high school, I came home to a door with different locks. I climbed through the window, scraped my arm, and went to bed. Later on, she told me she did not expect me to break in and that she purposely locked me out. Somehow I ended up with a key, probably because she realized if I left she would lose her supply.
The Rebel
Being the defiant “brat” that I am, her words, I never shied away from telling her secrets. Defiance was not a choice. It was a journey to myself. I began living up to the unruly person she kept describing me as.
Her own power stripped by her own words!
As a young adult, I was forced to have long hair. When I was 18, I decided to chop it all off. It felt AMAZING and free. I no longer fit the persona she had been attempting to mold me into. I finally got to choose something about my own body!
Reflecting on the Future
The wall holds several keys to my success. Amazing parts of me such as my silliness and my desire to control everything in my life. Letting go of the wall will release my desires to control and my silliness. I know that by breaking down this wall of steel I will bloom and flourish in this life and hopefully the next.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
If you are asking yourself this question then you are most likely not a narcissist.
Narcissistic traits like being controlling, being unable to relax, acting different in public versus at home, and having trouble admitting mistakes can all be present in those who are not narcissists. It does not mean you are narcissistic. Instead, you learned how to be human from a narcissist.
I once confronted my mother about her narcissism. See my post here that explains the events leading up to the confrontation.
Why do I worry about being a narcissist?
As a parent, I sometimes lose my patience with my kids, my anxiety spikes and I lash out. Afterwards, I am overcome with immediate guilt and fear that I am just like my mother.
I see many similarities in my mother and myself which does not mean I am a narcissist. She is a person after all and people at their cores share many similarities
Why does anxiety feel like narcissism?
Anxiety.
Anxiety is the biggest factor in why I feel narcissistic sometimes. My anxiety builds actually mimics narcissistic behaviors.
I used to be severely controlling of every aspect of my life. I was unable to relax, alert to every possible problem that could arise. Anxiety made me feel the need to control everything.
If I was not in control ,then something bad was surely going to happen. If things did not work out as expected, I got angry. This totally feels like narcissism and the calm before the storm.
Why do I act differently in public than at home?
At home you are in your comfort zone, you feel comfortable showing your family everything, including anger.
When I was young, I learned to behave differently at home than I did in the public eye. My mother dressed up with full make up to go to the grocery store. She could not be seen unless she presented herself this way.
My mother acted completely different to friends than she did to us. There were times she would cook expensive meals for her friends and leave us with boxed mac and cheese for dinner. I too picked this up as a behavioral norm but have since realized my family comes first.
The hardest thing I learned growing up was that the approval of others defined me and if someone did not like me that reflected badly on my mother. I have since learned that if someone does not like the person that I truly am, they do not belong in my life.
Why do I have trouble admitting my mistakes?
There are so many things that do not go right everyday. When a mistake is made by a person it does not immediately mean they are inherently bad. That person is learning. Mistakes make us better people unless the mistake is made by someone whose main focus has been to be seen as perfect to avoid any backlash from their toxic parent.
When you are constantly told to be an ever changing definition of perfect, mistakes become a huge problem. The perfection sought is never reachable and morphs every second. The problem with admitting mistakes is that you are now no longer living up to the standards you think other people have for you. Standards that do not matter, but are overpowering in your daily life.
Healing
Once you understand yourself and how anxiety and your upbringing can mimic narcissism you can then begin to heal. Be more compassionate to yourself and to the experiences that make up the life you had as a child. No one is perfect and we all need to know that who we are is not defined by others.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
Will she be like me?
My biggest fear is that my daughter will end up like me.
I don’t mean the good parts of me like my genuine heart, kindness, friendliness, creativity, and determination. If she inherits these traits, I would be very proud.
I fear she will question herself. I fear she will not know her worth. I fear she will be abused. I fear she will think she is not enough. I fear she will seek perfection in her life. I fear she will think she is not beautiful. I fear she will try to make others happy before herself.
Will she be close to me?
In my family, there are at least four generations of strained mother and daughter relationships. I do not speak to my mother or grandmother. My mother only speaks to her mother when it suits her needs. My grandmother never spoke highly of my great grandmother.
I fear that she will grow up and leave just as many generations of daughters have; just like I have to protect myself and my family. What if I fail her as a mother and she feels the need to separate from me? Does this mean the cycle of abuse was not broken
My Wish
Baby girl,
I wish you peace, love, and happiness. I hope you see your beauty, inside and out. I hope you make time for yourself and take care of your needs first.
You are a blessing.
Your name means “bright shining light” and I hope that light burns bright within you. You are more than enough.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
A Mission
After my inner child healed, see my inner warrior and my building a safe space posts, I assumed that was it. I had defeated the evil within me and I would go on living my life with much more clarity and calm.
Several days after healing my inner child I began to feel anxiety. I connected with her to ask if there was anything bothering her. I found her planting flowers, as I mentioned in my building a safe space post. She was perfectly calm and happy. Perplexed, I asked her if she knew where the anxiety was coming from; she did not.
I decided to leave and retreat back to reality. When the anxiety got louder, I again went to my inner child. I asked her if she would be willing to try to find the source of the anxiety.
My Heart
My inner child told me the anxiety is coming from my heart. I asked her if she knew where. She did not know, but was willing to look for me. She packed up her bag and went looking for the source.
Deeper and deeper into my heart she went, before she stopped. In front of her was a gigantic steel wall; it had no doors, seams or any other openings.
I asked her if she knew what was behind the wall. She felt extreme anger emanating from the other side, but did not understand many of the emotions and feelings she could sense. All she could feel was anger.
I thanked her and told her she could go back to planting her flowers.
Suppressed Emotions
As I examined this wall, I began to notice the anger, frustration, and confusion within.
I discovered suppressed traits of my personality that were trapped behind a steel wall in order to fit into the persona my mother destined me to be. Hidden so that people will possibly like me; who would like the real me?
My feelings regarding the sexual abuse I have endured by a cousin, a neighbor, and a friend are trapped behind the wall.
Future Work
This story is unfinished and needs to be written. My therapist believes that there may be an older inner child behind the wall that needs to go on her own healing journey.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
The decision to break NC is one that should be thought through and all the pros and cons weighed. Breaking NC means that all the toxicity will return; it may not be immediate if the toxic individual is in the love-bombing stage. If you are not prepared for this then simply do not contact the individual.
When regaining contact with the toxic parent, they will assume that you are speaking to them again because a blanket of forgiveness has fallen over them; we are friends again!
There are other reasons to break contact such as a death in the family and other circumstances but those must be evaluated on a case by case basis.
Why is staying NC so hard?
I did not go to my cousins funeral last year (2018); I was still healing. My cousin was survived by several siblings. After reading the condolences, I realized people were not extending condolences to his siblings, but rather to my mother. To keep myself safe , I chose not to go despite the guilt I felt for not honoring his passing properly.
I was also not prepared to answer questions regarding my decision to go NC with my mother from other family members. Most family members don’t see the truth or they have been told lies by the toxic person that they believe. One of the hardest parts is just ignoring them and letting your truth shine through.
Society has a way of guilting you into talking to your toxic family members again. See my post here about why you can feel guilty going NC in the first place.
Going NC can also be difficult when all you have known is chaos. When the chaos dissipates, you are left with nothing. Nothing feels weird. You begin to question the nothingness and whether or not nothing means that something is right around the corner. Anxiety spikes and fear drives your body into fight or flight more.
Please see the Disclaimer page for our policies regarding this post.
Deciding to go NC(no contact) is a huge step in regaining control over your life. It can bring peace. With that peace, anxiety and fear can surface. Fear that the person you are no longer speaking to will lash out at you in some grand way. Fear, that they will spread lies about you, or fear that things are simply calm. Who are we kidding, when has life been calm?
Why do kids make going NC harder?
Having kids really changes the guilt factor when you go NC. People post things on social media about how the adult ego should be disregarded so that children can see their families.
Family is just a word. Just because a person carried you in their body, sorta kept you alive, and sometimes gave you food does not mean they are family. And under no circumstances should a person be subject to the mental mind games of a toxic individual.
Family are loving people that enrich our lives and genuinely care about how we feel. When we feel down, they are there to help us back up, not dig us further into the dark.
My children do not deserve to be treated the way I was. Until I realized the cause of all my anxiety and depression, I fell into the trap of allowing my mother and grandmother to see my son. That was a mistake.
My mother used information from conversations with my grandmother to get information. It was then that I realized I had to sever ties with both. Not just for myself but for my kids. My kids needed to l know that no matter who the person is, they have the right to stand up to them. Even if that person is “family.”
Why do people want me to talk to a toxic person?
Many people will actually try to convince you to speak to your toxic parent. Those that seek to do this have no ill intent. Their naivety actually plays with the guilt we are already feeling within us.
Guilt is intertwined with our trust in ourselves and our trust in our decisions. Many times a toxic parent will undermine your feelings, ideas, and memory in an attempt to keep control. What many people do not realize is that by suggesting that we talk to the toxic parent, they are pulling at every one of those emotions within us. Part of us feels obligated to comply with their request, whether it be out of fear or guilt.
