Category: Toxic parents

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Unhealthy Coping Skills

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During my childhood I learned several unhealthy coping skills without even realizing these things were a part of my daily life.

Fight or Flight

Typically, I learned to run away from my problems. Not only was I not able to accept my emotions, but my mother never validated my emotions. Even now it is hard to explain that some emotions I feel are valid but an incorrect response to the situation. Understanding that your feelings are valid is key. Even if your feeling are overactive, unstable or drastic, they are still your feelings and they are valid. Rewiring the response is key to success.

Fight or flight is an animalistic response to a situation. Do I want to fight? Do I want to flee? Growing up I learned not to fight. Fighting just brought more severe punishments. Often I would bottle up all my emotions and never address them properly. In time, this meant that eventually I would explode in anger. My mother did not stand up for me in times of need. She let her sister reign over her and in turn reign over me.

In parenthood, I experienced several of these instances where I would lose my composure due to improper handling and recognition of my emotions. Now that I have dealt with my natural fight or flight instincts, I do not explode on my children as I used to. This has calmed our household quite a bit. I still have work to do, but progress is being made everyday.

Disassociation

When I was a child my mother would scream at me. I left my body, I was not there. I have many fragmented memories due to disassociation. The sexual abuse that happened to me, I remember it, but I was not there. I removed myself so that I could not feel anything.

In my marriage, I found myself disassociating when a conflict arose. Arguments or disagreements are part of a marriage, but working it out together is necessary. When one of the partners disassociates themselves from the argument in order to protect themselves, communication breaks down. This can affect future communication and limit the depth of future conversations.

Negative Self Talk

Negative self talk is by far one of the most destructive, disruptive and complicated psychological blocks to deal with. Repetition of negative things people have spoken to you in your mind can make you believe you are useless, worthless, ugly and not necessary.

There are several phrases my mother used to speak to me that made me believe I would never amount to anything in my life. She also did not like the way she looked and I learned to mimic that behavior by observing her behavior.

My mother decided to nickname me “Big Bertha” when I gained weight in 9th grade. We lived on five acres, then moved to a home and were not allowed to play outside. We stayed inside not moving very much and gained weight. She even put us on the grapefruit diet when we started gaining more weight from the lack of physical activity. I was forced to drink grapefruit juice every day and basically starve myself so she did not have obese children.

School Success

My mother thought she was perfect back in the days of high school. She told me she got straight A’s, worked and still had time to do whatever she wanted. I have to think this was fabricated. In high school, I worked, did sports, and had regular classes. I was not a straight A student but frequently was on the honor roll. My mother used to tell me “Well, when I was in school I got straight A’s so why can’t you?”

Even to this day, I do not believe school grades matter. What matters is compassion, a strong work ethic, teamwork skills, and organization. None of these things can be taught. They have to be observed in your parents. I was lucky enough to observe these things from my father. He taught me many great things in my youth. Things he may not even realize impacted me in such string ways.

Passive Aggression

My mother is very passive aggressive. Not only can you deflect accusations when you are passive aggressive, but you can also get people to do what you want without conflict.

I remember she once took a desk I had taken out of my room and left in our den. The den was right next to my bedroom. I had to go somewhere and did not have time to dispose of it at that moment. It was not in the way of anyone. No one used the den at all. When I returned home, my mother, in her drunken stupor, had become so enraged that I left garbage in her den that she threw the desk into my room. It got stuck in the entry way and tore a hole in the expensive wallpaper she bought. It was pretty high up too and I remember being surprised that she even had the strength to lift it that high.

Being Defensive

Defensiveness can occur when a person points out an imperfection in you. When you grow up with impossible expectations, fault becomes a larger problem that it really is. Trying to achieve an impossible standard and hating yourself when you cannot reach the ever changing definition of perfection is damaging to the psyche.

This really caused me to suffer after becoming a mother. Every person has advice for you and while some of it may be good, others tend to present their advice in a way that makes you feel like you do not know what you are doing. Let’s face it, what parent does? You do what works best for your family dynamic and that is it. I also beat myself up when I saw other mothers achieving the perfection I thought I was supposed to have. I felt like I was doing my children a disservice by not being good enough for them. I was angry, defensive and felt like my family would be better off without me.

Eating Disorders

Many toxic parents can actually cause eating disorders in their children. Whether it be from comments about the body or other stressors.

While I do not have an eating disorder, I really am surprised I do not. Many of the comments my mother, aunt and grandmother had about my body were terrible. While I am overweight, I generally refrain from eating when stressed which is the opposite of most other people. My body has learned to perform better under pressure. My work quality used to be better when I procrastinated and created my own stress.

Sleeping

Stress and anxiety are physically exhausting. It drains your energy and leaves you with very little energy to do anything else. For some, sleeping away their problems seems to be the solution. This can create more problems as the real problems are being avoided. Sleeping may also exacerbate the problem by preventing you from accomplishing tasks. This can cause more stress and anxiety if too many things need to be addressed at the same time.

Drugs and Alcohol

Drugs and alcohol are some of the major ways in which people self medicate. Both are highly addictive ways to feel better for a short amount of time, however, prolonged use can cause more stress and anxiety much like sleeping your problems away can.

I am fortunate to have survived an opiate addiction. I have not taken opiates since 2008. I am grateful to have the willpower that many do not to free myself from the fate of so many others.

The Start of the Addiction

I started suffering from migraines in 2006. My doctor prescribed me an opiate. Around the same time, I suffered an injury at work. My upper left shoulder had become stiff and unable to move and I could not turn my head to the left. Physical therapy did little to solve this as they did not realize I actually have something called occipital neuralgia, which is a nerve disorder.

The boyfriend I was with at the time is bipolar. He self medicated and did not desire to stabilize his mood with prescription medications. He ended up starting to use opiates to achieve that ever fading manic state he wished to be in constantly.

After suffering from four day long migraines every two weeks, I decided to try a different stronger opiate he had been taking. After some time, I started to enjoy the self confidence that came with taking them. Not to mention the side effects of weight loss which also boosted my confidence. This self confidence did not come without a price. It was a fabricated confidence that took a toll on me physically. My body demanded more opiates every day. At the end of the addiction, I was taking over 400mg of very potent opiates per day. I am not sure of what the typical dosages are for pain, but I do know that this exceeded that by more than a margin.

Breaking Free of the Addiction

After a few years, I decided I could not deal with the ups and downs of addiction anymore. I grew apart from the boyfriend I had at the time. I felt stuck, however, and I felt alone. It took me many months to call my father and tell him what I had been through. My then ex-boyfriend even threatened to tell my father what had been happening. I called my father first since I wanted to tell him. I did not want someone else explaining the situation to him. My father was very caring and brought a moving truck a week later and I left and never looked back.

Detoxing after a two year opiate addiction is the single worst experience I have ever been through. I have had the flu, the stomach flu, Lyme disease and food poisoning. I would take any of these diseases over detoxing off of opiates. I spent a week with chills, sweating, not wanting to move or be alive and throwing up. Everything hurt. It took over a month for me to stop having chills everyday and even longer for chills to not remind me of detoxing and make me feel nauseated.

Coping Well

This list of unhealthy coping mechanisms provides an insight into how our minds and bodies adapt to toxic surroundings. You can change the response. You can stop the cycle. Read about some healthy ways to cope with depression and anxiety here. Take care of yourself inside and out and advocate for your success.

You can succeed. You can achieve your dreams.

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How can inner children change?

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I began connecting with my inner children at least daily since my last EMDR session.

Today was unique.

Both my inner children had significantly changed. The teen inner child was content not rebuilding the city. She had no immediate plans on how to address what was left in the now empty part of my heart she had building for so many years. My younger inner child, however, changed dramatically.

Growing Up

My younger inner child grew up. She now appeared as about age 11. Previously, she was around age 6. Curious about this, I asked my therapist why she would age. She had told me it could be due to her being trapped at age 6 and has moved on. She may now need to work through events that occurred at age 11.

Starting Over

After second grade we moved. I left behind the friends I had since I could remember and a family that was basically like a second family to me. They are the kindest and most caring people you will ever meet and I am blessed to have had them in my life as long as I did.

Along with moving came a new school. I stayed in the public school system for a few years until moving to a private school. I made some friends at the elementary school I attended and am still in contact with some. Again, they are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and are just genuine. Not everyone you meet is as genuine and kind.

A Bit of Background

When I was in public school I met a girl whom I was friends with until we moved, yet again. She was alright and we had fun together until I left the public school system. In fifth grade, I started at a private school. For a half a year everything seemed to be going well. I made friends and even though I was new, they for the most part welcomed me.

The friend I had from elementary school started at the private school. I am not sure what changed, but after that, there are several instances of the kids turning on me and bullying me.

After the bullying became too much to bear, my mother decided to home school my brother and I. Even though I had issues with this girl, my mother decided to home school her as well. I am not sure what thought process made my mother decide to home school someone that I had issues with but she did.

My mom knew all of my problems. She used my problems against me. Whether this was her intent or she was doing it to help someone else out and did not think about how it would affect her daughter.

My kids will never have to spend time with people that do not respect them. If they inform me of wrongdoing, those people will not see my children again. My son has made me proud. He does not take anyone’s shit. He even told me he would like to see my mother so that he could yell at her to be nice to me. His personality is very reflective of his name.

Reinforcing False Beliefs

I don’t think this girl from my childhood was inherently a bad person. I believe she had her own problems that she projected outward. In doing so, my false belief systems were reinforced.

I remember this girl always wanted to play with the “prettiest” doll that had the largest breasts but also the skinniest waist. She had some obsession with obtaining that impossible standard.

When we played together at my house, with my toys, she always picked the best toys for herself. I never objected as doing so may have brought on the same style of false retribution as my mother would have given me for speaking up.

Hearing that these impossible things were necessary from a friend, reinforced the false beliefs that I had to look impossibly perfect and have expensive things in order to be liked.

Uncomfortable Encounters

I have a few vivid still image memories when I was around the same age as my inner child is currently.

One afternoon, my dad and I were pulling into a fast food restaurant. I have no idea what these boys in the car next to us said about me, but my dad was very angry. I know it was related to my body, but not the exact words. The boys were old enough to drive. I was 11. Even now, I can feel how angry my dad was. All I can think is that it must have been terrible.

Around the same time, I was in the gym of my school and one of the boys commented on my breasts. They were not even large enough for a bra at the time but at the point that they were developing.

Connections

All these events are related to my dislike of the way I look and reinforced false beliefs my mother, aunt, and grandmother had instilled in me at a young age.

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A City in Ruin

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When I returned to the city, all the buildings had fallen, except one. My teen inner child had torn them all down one by one. We ran through the streets as she showed me everything she had torn down.

We stopped.

The Tower

Before us stood a tower resembling something a vampire would live in. The symbology of the tower is actually related to the life blood of her being sucked out. She built this fortress to protect herself from those that sought to take away all she is.

We slowly started to ascend the stairs to the tower. Each step bringing us closer and closer to the top.

The Helper

While we were ascending the stairs, my younger inner child appeared and began cleaning up the rubble left behind from the houses. Apparently she likes to stay busy building, fixing, and helping.

The Shock Wave

My therapist asked me if my teen inner child was willing to entertain the idea of letting all this go. When I asked her she flew out of the tower window and emitted a shock wave which immediately cleared all the rubble and sent my younger inner child flying out of the teen’s space.

The younger inner child began to argue with the teen and it took some time to explain that this was her space and while she was helpful trying to clean up. the teen is healing and that is part of her healing.

Appearance Change

My teen inner child landed in front of me facing away from me. She began to change. He long hair became tied up in a messy bun. Her dress changed into jeans and a hoodie, much like what I was wearing in therapy that day.

Imploding

After the teen changed her appearance she began to implode. All the energy she had left was being sent within. She did not wish to hurt the younger inner child again. My therapist directed her to let it out, rather than in.

Evasion

My teen inner child transformed into a detective and began dropping hints you might find in a certain board game you solve mysteries in. She was not owning up to her desire to let things go. She was dropping things in a way that did not require her to take ownership of it, but rather a puzzle for me to figure out.

The Tower Transforms

After some coaxing, the teen decided to transform the tower into a block stacking game where you move one piece at a time until it falls down. Apparently my teen inner child likes board games! She asked the young inner child and I to join her in playing until it collapses.

As of now, it still stands.

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The Black City

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See my posts about the noise within and the confrontation from behind the wall for background information on this post.

Revealed

After some coaxing during an EMDR session, my teen inner child surfaced. She is roughly 17/18 years old. She appeared meek and dressed as my mother wished me to in high school, long hair and dresses. I remember the dress she is wearing vividly. It was the dress I wore in my senior photo, black with red flowers. After she appeared the anxiety that was present before dissipated. She wished to be heard and now that she had she was no longer screaming for attention.

Behind The Wall

My teen inner child showed me what was left behind the wall after it fell, a desolate forgotten city with maze like streets filled with black Victorian style houses. The gray sky was littered with black ominous clouds. Something larger was off in the distance but it was too far to discern.

She explained that the Victorian style was related to my mother. My mother’s style preference is from the Victorian era and our childhood home had a museum feel. I was not even allowed to sit on a certain couch unless we had company!

This place was built by her. No one had ever been inside before.

Beginning the Transformation

I asked if she would like to paint anything. She agreed to paint the sky and the clouds. Unlike my younger inner child, see her story here, she painted the sky colors you would expect instead of a gradient sunset like my younger self.

There were so many houses you could see them in every direction for what seemed like miles. She told me some were built to contain a piece of her that was not allowed to be seen so that she could be “perfect” for her mother. Other houses contained bad memories she wished to forget.

My teen inner child showed me an image of a grand home that she would like to build for herself.

After some time she decided that repainting the houses would not get rid of any of the bad or free the good. She began to dismantle them one at a time.

See my post here regarding what started to happen after she dismantled all the houses.


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What happens when we change?

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In life we are constantly changing, growing, adapting. Life changes us. The way we change can be positive or negative. The way we adapt is a direct result of what we have experienced.

Guarding Yourself

As you begin to change, you may withdraw yourself even from those you are closest to. While this may be necessary, it should not be permanent. This should just be an initial phase in your healing while you redirect your energy.

My energy is constantly expanding and many people that I do not know have begun to unravel their life troubles to me. Keeping myself guarded from their troubles is necessary to keep my peace. This does not mean I ignore it or disregard their struggles. It simply means I do not feel invested emotionally in their struggle. The challenges they face are simply there for their own growth. I am not responsible for their success.

People Pleasing

I struggled with making other people happy. I no longer try to make everyone happy. The need for this was to prevent an outburst by the individual or individuals I was trying to keep happy in whatever situation I was in.

In the past, if my mother was not happy, we all were not happy. This goes beyond the typical happy wife, happy life saying. My mother used to freak out like a toddler and have tantrums if she did not get what she wanted. Things would get taken away, or I would be physically assaulted.

I was reliving this every day and had no idea that my anxiety came from the desire to avoid these outbursts. Outbursts that would never occur outside of my childhood, but slights in my perception would reassure me that they would. Backed up by experiences, I grew to understand that the world is my mother and everyone is ten seconds away from screaming at me. This is no way to exit, to live.

At work I never spoke up, never let my opinion be heard. This was a block for me and I was not able to grow. I was stuck. I did not realize that every day, I was just doing what was expected of me. Nothing else.

I freaked out on my kids and husband if we were in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store because I thought we would be in someone’s way. I used to back seat drive and freak out if my husband was in the left lane and not passing anyone. It got really bad if someone passed us on the right.

My every day life was full of anxiety to avoid someone from yelling at me, simply because I was afraid to relive the outbursts of my mother. I never had flashbacks of certain instances but the emotions were there. The learned behavior was present.

Complex PTSD is such a complicated beast to overcome. Most of the time you are unaware of the cause of the anxiety and depression you are feeling. No certain memory invokes these feelings, yet the emotions live within you and are activated all the time.

Less Controlling

I used to be very controlling of everything. My husband actually looked up the definition of a control freak since he thought I may be one. At my core, controlling things kept me safe. When I was not in control, bad things happened. See my posts here and here to see examples of what happened when I was not in control.

Now that I am not afraid of bad things happening, making people happy or making mistakes, I find that I am not as controlling as I used to be. The kids are happier. I am happier. I am calm. Life happens, people make mistakes. Mistakes do not define us, what we do after the mistake occurs does

The reactions of others

Once you begin to change, others will question your intent. They will question themselves. Realistically, you are taking back what should never have been given in the first place. Your trust in yourself and your decisions, your desire to keep yourself happy above others, your self care, and your calm.

Peace may come at a cost, it may remove people from your life that disturb that peace. Peace is worth it. Enjoy the calm within.

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Toxicity in Families

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It seems that where you find one toxic person, you find another. As you start to realize what this toxicity looks like, your eyes open to all the toxicity you have been living with all this time.

Family Dynamics

In my family, there are four toxic people that I am aware of, see my toxic family tree here. It appears that there are at least four generations of mother and daughter relationship problems. Apart from my mother, my grandmother and my aunt are both toxic. My grandmother informed me that her mother and grandmother were not the best people either. I can only speculate that this toxicity has been passed down for a long time.

It is strange that this toxicity seems to only affect the women in the family, minus one male cousin, leaving the men unscathed as my mom has two brothers who do not exhibit this toxic behavior as far as I have seen.

Due to the toxic maternal influence, I was terrified to have a daughter, see my post here.

Control

Growing up my mom actually made me fear one of her brothers, my grandfather (my dad’s father), and most other men in the family. She projected her own sexual abuse onto me and I wish that I had understood that these men are good kind people and did not wish to hurt me. Unbeknown to her, I was sexually abused albeit by a cousin, my mom’s sisters son. The people she sought to protect me from were not the people hurting me. Her sister, mother and my cousin were the ones I needed to be protected from.

My mother was too weak to stand up to her sister and her mother and let herself be controlled. She projected that onto her children and she controlled us in anyway she could.

Reality

The reality is that my mother’s sister is what I call the “alpha narc.” My aunt has the control in that relationship. See my posts here and here regarding her treatment of me.

I have not figured out if my grandmother is a narcissist or just toxic. She is brutally honest to the point where I believe she crosses the line into cruelty. Whether this is a projection of her own issues or a learned behavior, it is almost understandable how my aunt and mother act based on their upbringing.

No Contact

I choose to be out of contact from all the toxic people in my family, see my posts about no contact here and here. Those that seek to disarm my peace and well being are removed from my life. It is unfortunate that I have had to block several social media accounts of family members that passed away because I knew my mother had access to them. My personal well being is of higher value than these toxic people. My children will not be subjected to the same abuse.

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Will I ever speak to my mother again?

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I feel fortunate to have many loving people in my life. I do not believe that my mother will add value to my life, now or in the future. No matter how many people she has talked to regarding our relationship, the truth remains that I will no longer suffer at the hands of her abuse. No longer will I allow her to belittle my accomplishments, call me names, or try to impress her ideals for my persona on me. See my post here regarding my decision to go no contact and how hard that was.

The Idea

In general, it seems that most toxic parents have their own issues and demons they cannot confront. Instead of dealing with the problem they project the problem onto their children. I admit that I have done this before I sought therapy as it is a completely learned behavior. We have at least four generations of strained mother, daughter relationships in my family. I plan to have the first normal one in a long time!

I have been asked by several people if I wish to see my mother again. Honestly, I do not think it matters to me one way or another. I know our divide comes from years of emotional strain and abuse she is not even apologetic about.

The Clause

Perhaps difficult for her, the only way I would see my mother again would be if she regularly attends therapy and genuinely apologizes for everything. She apologized to me once, however, she needed to in order to progress through the steps of AA. I realized the apology was not genuine when she held it over my head years later, see my post here.

I am content either way. I know life is happy and will continue to be happy with or without my mother in it.

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The Carnival

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Side note: I left all conversation in it’s raw form.

As a woman, you are told your entire life that your wedding is one of the most magical moments you will experience. That is until you actually start planning everything and the stress of the day piles up and consumes the fun. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people and arguments can happen.

My husband and I decided to have a Jack and Jill instead of a bridal shower. We are pretty simple people and our wedding was at our house to save some money. We chose a carnival theme for the jack and jill to raise money for our honeymoon since our wedding was paid for by my father and step mother.

Each booth was a game. There was no admission fee and all drinks and food was free.

I created an event on social media as well as a group for people that would be helping us out that day. Details about the event were supposed to be posted in the group not the event.

My Support System

My mother posted in the event. I can’t say for sure if this was intentional but my mother loves being recognized publicly for her contributions.

Her post was a description of a bulk candy lot from a site. She stated she would like to set up a candy booth. Since I had laid out all the plans in the group, she should have known that all the food was supposed to be free.

After her post drew some attention and stressed me out, my friends took action to defend me. At this point in my life I had not yet come to terms with the troubles within me and I did not feel equipped to handle the situation alone. Meanwhile, all the party guests got to witness her tirade in the event page.

The Conversation

Friend 1: “Where’d you copy this from? lol”

Mom: “Party Supplies Bulk Candy”

Friend 2: “Wait doesn’t this belong in another group? I thought this wasn’t for booth details”

Mom: ” idk waiting for [scarlet] to call”

Friend 2: “Why?”

Mom: “because i don’t know what i’m doing?

Friend 2: “Ya but there’s a seperate group to ask questions and put info like this. That’s easy to find isn’t it?”

Friend 1: “I’m not sure that this idea would work out too well for a couple of reasons.. [Scarlet] has a ticket system in place where you trade tickets for entry into a booth or event or w\e is going to be there. Not sure how you would be able to get this booth to work with that system. That and all the food is supposed to be free on that day.”

Friend 3: “I totally agree with you. It would be a bit weird given how the event is supposed to operate already.”

Friend 2: “I totally concur with you. It would be a bit strange since the event isn’t supposed to operate like that.”

Flying Monkey Cousin: “I think as [Scarlet’s] mother, [mom] was just making a suggestion and is trying to help…”

Friend 1: “Nah I get that, I’m just stating the facts though. The idea, as it sits, doesn’t fit the event in my honest opinion.”

The Backlash Begins

Mom: “so maybe i shouldn’t donate a $300 yeti cooler to raffle because it’s not a “basket””

Friend 3: “That doesn’t have anything to do with the candy booth. Unless now you are just going to use extortion to get the booth that doesn’t fit how the event runs.”

Me: “As Friend 1 said, the event has free food and all the booths are activities or games. I’m not sure how candy would fit into that although I appreciate the thought. No one else is donating booths really. Hubby and I are taking care of most of the games, it’s not necessary at all. Also, mom, you are being overly technical of the term basket. A friend is donating a cooler with camping stuff in it and that is their “basket”. In the future please post all basket raffle or booth related stuff in the group I made. This event page is meant to be for guests only.

The Private Response

My mother became enraged at her public dismissal by my friends. They defended my opinions and did not allow her to pressure her way into getting what she desired. It was my event after all. She sent me a private message meant to attack me personally.

Mom: “I didn’t know how all of this is suppose to work. I was trying to find something to be a part of everything. I am in tears because I never wanted to step on your toes by being too involved in your planning like so many mothers do spoiling it for their kids. I innocently posted an idea not knowing it would be such a problem making me look like an idiot. I am very hurt by your friends comments. I am NOT resorting to extortion. My point regarding the cooler was if giving away candy didn’t fit the planned venue how would a cooler instead of a basket fit in. I was being facetious because I didn’t expect someone to comment that way. I have limited funds, no car, still having seizures, dealing with aunt’s messed up estate, and just trying to cope. It was not my intention to have everybody in such an uproar including you with your seeming inured post that could have been posted here instead. I really don’t understand your lukewarm feelings towards me.. I asked you for forgiveness for the past and you said you forgave me but did you really? You have no idea how much I love you and want you to be happy. I am heartbroken over our lack of a normal mother/daughter relationship.”

Her Composure Weakens

I respond to her “Until you realize how you manipulate people then you cannot have a normal relationship with me. You raised me. We never had a “normal” mother daughter bond because of you. It’s not my fault. Never has been. Stop blaming other people for things. You push people away by causing drama and if you don’t see it that’s part of the problem.”

Several hours later her composure is gone and all her grand words are washed away by her fear that someone actually knows the truth. Not to mention that her long winded response was just plain fake and worded in such a way as to provoke me.

She responds without punctuation, you can almost feel the rage pulsing through her hurried words. “really who am i manipulating and what am i blaming people for thing specify the drama is this related to today or the past”

My Response

“You manipulate data. Never tell the truth or at least if you do speak truth you will release only portions of a story not the entirety of it. You blame me above for our relationship but really what love have you given me. You spat words of hurt and try to cover it up with humor. You missed your grandsons first birthday party because of some drama with [person she was dating]. It’s always some story. Some new drama. Thing is how can I really be sure when all you do is lie. This goes way back mom. Not just today. You like to make many statements you think are jokes but are not or you say them to be hurtful, I can’t be sure. Either way you play it off when it’s brought up. Example during [a] wedding. What in your mind made you want to say “[Scarlet], I have here in my purse the most important thing you should have during a wedding.” You opened it up and it was cigarettes. No one laughed, because it’s inappropriate. Another example. Thanksgiving. You had to make a point to invalidate Uncle as a minister because he “is a witch”. Then when I looked at you oddly, you tried to play it off as a joke, but you were not joking at all. You nicknamed me Big Bertha as a child. After telling you [friend] caused other kids to pick on m[e] at school, you decided to homeschool her at our house, what mom would bring a bully into their home after their child told them they were upset by their presence? Oh right a manipulative one. So there are your examples. I have more if you need. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. You are one.”

Mom: “so you are back in the past”

Me: “I’m exactly where I need to be”

Mom: “i’m done trying maybe in the years to come you will realize you have no clueas to what YOU have done”

Me: “I’ve done nothing. Keep on blaming people and you will see why you are alone” “You never try”
“There’s your blame example hahha”

Mom: “i’m done with your hateful comments”

The Game

Shortly after, my mother, who was supposed to bring my grandmother to the jack and jill party called my grandmother up and stressed her out. My mother was helping make the basket she was donating and my mother refused to complete it for her. She called me all worried that she would not be able to come to the party. I told her we would find a way to make it work and to not worry about the basket.

I decided to tell my mom to stop her games and not to come to the party. At this point she basically embarrassed herself in front of all the guests anyway.

Around the same time a friend of mine from a different state was collecting donations for a fundraiser. I donated a tablet with a gift card to help out. I hate acknowledging this but it really is relevant. My friend ended up tagging me on social media which I wasn’t too happy about but I understand she was just very grateful for my support so I didn’t let it bother me.

Now back to my mother. My mother with her anger fueled heart decided to send the yeti cooler she planned to donate to the jack and jill to our mutual friend in another state. I know that this action was for several reasons. She was spiting me for not allowing her to come and for my friends publicly humiliating her. The second reason is simply to show me up. As my mom stated above, she is broke. So why spend so much money on something you can’t afford?

The Truth

Honestly, of all the outcomes this was beautiful. Someone got a very nice addition to their raffle. The unfortunate thing as the gift was given with hate, spite and ill intent. All that negativity did turn around into a positive in the end, at least for most of us it did.

The Jack and Jill was a lot of fun. I got pied in the face since my jar had the most money, thanks to my friends for that one! Despite all the issues leading up to the event, my grandmother was able to attend and everyone had a great time!

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Am I a narcissist?

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If you are asking yourself this question then you are most likely not a narcissist.

Narcissistic traits like being controlling, being unable to relax, acting different in public versus at home, and having trouble admitting mistakes can all be present in those who are not narcissists. It does not mean you are narcissistic. Instead, you learned how to be human from a narcissist.

I once confronted my mother about her narcissism. See my post here that explains the events leading up to the confrontation.

Why do I worry about being a narcissist?

As a parent, I sometimes lose my patience with my kids, my anxiety spikes and I lash out. Afterwards, I am overcome with immediate guilt and fear that I am just like my mother.

I see many similarities in my mother and myself which does not mean I am a narcissist. She is a person after all and people at their cores share many similarities

Why does anxiety feel like narcissism?

Anxiety.

Anxiety is the biggest factor in why I feel narcissistic sometimes. My anxiety builds actually mimics narcissistic behaviors.

I used to be severely controlling of every aspect of my life. I was unable to relax, alert to every possible problem that could arise. Anxiety made me feel the need to control everything.

If I was not in control ,then something bad was surely going to happen. If things did not work out as expected, I got angry. This totally feels like narcissism and the calm before the storm.

Why do I act differently in public than at home?

At home you are in your comfort zone, you feel comfortable showing your family everything, including anger.

When I was young, I learned to behave differently at home than I did in the public eye. My mother dressed up with full make up to go to the grocery store. She could not be seen unless she presented herself this way.

My mother acted completely different to friends than she did to us. There were times she would cook expensive meals for her friends and leave us with boxed mac and cheese for dinner. I too picked this up as a behavioral norm but have since realized my family comes first.

The hardest thing I learned growing up was that the approval of others defined me and if someone did not like me that reflected badly on my mother. I have since learned that if someone does not like the person that I truly am, they do not belong in my life.

Why do I have trouble admitting my mistakes?

There are so many things that do not go right everyday. When a mistake is made by a person it does not immediately mean they are inherently bad. That person is learning. Mistakes make us better people unless the mistake is made by someone whose main focus has been to be seen as perfect to avoid any backlash from their toxic parent.

When you are constantly told to be an ever changing definition of perfect, mistakes become a huge problem. The perfection sought is never reachable and morphs every second. The problem with admitting mistakes is that you are now no longer living up to the standards you think other people have for you. Standards that do not matter, but are overpowering in your daily life.

Healing

Once you understand yourself and how anxiety and your upbringing can mimic narcissism you can then begin to heal. Be more compassionate to yourself and to the experiences that make up the life you had as a child. No one is perfect and we all need to know that who we are is not defined by others.