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See my posts about the noise within and the confrontation from behind the wall for background information on this post.
Revealed
After some coaxing during an EMDR session, my teen inner child surfaced. She is roughly 17/18 years old. She appeared meek and dressed as my mother wished me to in high school, long hair and dresses. I remember the dress she is wearing vividly. It was the dress I wore in my senior photo, black with red flowers. After she appeared the anxiety that was present before dissipated. She wished to be heard and now that she had she was no longer screaming for attention.
Behind The Wall
My teen inner child showed me what was left behind the wall after it fell, a desolate forgotten city with maze like streets filled with black Victorian style houses. The gray sky was littered with black ominous clouds. Something larger was off in the distance but it was too far to discern.
She explained that the Victorian style was related to my mother. My mother’s style preference is from the Victorian era and our childhood home had a museum feel. I was not even allowed to sit on a certain couch unless we had company!
This place was built by her. No one had ever been inside before.
Beginning the Transformation
I asked if she would like to paint anything. She agreed to paint the sky and the clouds. Unlike my younger inner child, see her story here, she painted the sky colors you would expect instead of a gradient sunset like my younger self.
There were so many houses you could see them in every direction for what seemed like miles. She told me some were built to contain a piece of her that was not allowed to be seen so that she could be “perfect” for her mother. Other houses contained bad memories she wished to forget.
My teen inner child showed me an image of a grand home that she would like to build for herself.
After some time she decided that repainting the houses would not get rid of any of the bad or free the good. She began to dismantle them one at a time.
See my post here regarding what started to happen after she dismantled all the houses.
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In life we are constantly changing, growing, adapting. Life changes us. The way we change can be positive or negative. The way we adapt is a direct result of what we have experienced.
Guarding Yourself
As you begin to change, you may withdraw yourself even from those you are closest to. While this may be necessary, it should not be permanent. This should just be an initial phase in your healing while you redirect your energy.
My energy is constantly expanding and many people that I do not know have begun to unravel their life troubles to me. Keeping myself guarded from their troubles is necessary to keep my peace. This does not mean I ignore it or disregard their struggles. It simply means I do not feel invested emotionally in their struggle. The challenges they face are simply there for their own growth. I am not responsible for their success.
People Pleasing
I struggled with making other people happy. I no longer try to make everyone happy. The need for this was to prevent an outburst by the individual or individuals I was trying to keep happy in whatever situation I was in.
In the past, if my mother was not happy, we all were not happy. This goes beyond the typical happy wife, happy life saying. My mother used to freak out like a toddler and have tantrums if she did not get what she wanted. Things would get taken away, or I would be physically assaulted.
I was reliving this every day and had no idea that my anxiety came from the desire to avoid these outbursts. Outbursts that would never occur outside of my childhood, but slights in my perception would reassure me that they would. Backed up by experiences, I grew to understand that the world is my mother and everyone is ten seconds away from screaming at me. This is no way to exit, to live.
At work I never spoke up, never let my opinion be heard. This was a block for me and I was not able to grow. I was stuck. I did not realize that every day, I was just doing what was expected of me. Nothing else.
I freaked out on my kids and husband if we were in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store because I thought we would be in someone’s way. I used to back seat drive and freak out if my husband was in the left lane and not passing anyone. It got really bad if someone passed us on the right.
My every day life was full of anxiety to avoid someone from yelling at me, simply because I was afraid to relive the outbursts of my mother. I never had flashbacks of certain instances but the emotions were there. The learned behavior was present.
Complex PTSD is such a complicated beast to overcome. Most of the time you are unaware of the cause of the anxiety and depression you are feeling. No certain memory invokes these feelings, yet the emotions live within you and are activated all the time.
Less Controlling
I used to be very controlling of everything. My husband actually looked up the definition of a control freak since he thought I may be one. At my core, controlling things kept me safe. When I was not in control, bad things happened. See my posts here and here to see examples of what happened when I was not in control.
Now that I am not afraid of bad things happening, making people happy or making mistakes, I find that I am not as controlling as I used to be. The kids are happier. I am happier. I am calm. Life happens, people make mistakes. Mistakes do not define us, what we do after the mistake occurs does
The reactions of others
Once you begin to change, others will question your intent. They will question themselves. Realistically, you are taking back what should never have been given in the first place. Your trust in yourself and your decisions, your desire to keep yourself happy above others, your self care, and your calm.
Peace may come at a cost, it may remove people from your life that disturb that peace. Peace is worth it. Enjoy the calm within.
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Symbolism means so much to me. My kids names even have significant meanings and picking the meaning was just as important as the name itself.
Symbolic Meaning
According to Mind Body & Spirit, the peacock feather symbolizes spiritual awakening and protection. The peacock feather can absorb negative energy, protect, and renew.
My Wish
I hope that all reading this will protect themselves, renew their spirits, and find their compassion and passion again. Only by expanding your energy can you accomplish this task. May the peacock protect you as you go on your journey!
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When I was a young child, I had several toxic people in my life, see my post here about the toxicity in families and my page with the toxic people in my family.
Control
I do not remember how old I was when this incident occurred. I do remember parts of it vividly, mainly my aunt looming over me.
When I was young, I did not like tomatoes. It is not uncommon for young children to have several food aversions. I have learned that hormones can change what you find palatable which explains why we like different things as we age.
While at my aunts house, in her care, I did not want to eat my tomatoes. I do not recall what else I was served.
Since I refused, she forced the tomatoes into my mouth. I threw them up because I didn’t chew them and her finger went down my throat.
Part of this memory is suppressed or lost because I truly believe it was severely traumatic for me.
The Present
Even though I have healed my youngest inner child, see my page here, I have yet to try raw tomatoes. I do not think I am ready yet to test my inner child in this task.
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This is something I have struggled with my entire life until now. EMDR has actually made this issue almost completely disappear. Crazy, but amazing!
General stress
Things like irritable bowel syndrome, acid reflux, indigestion and other digestive upsets can be caused by stress.
My childhood was filled with stress. I never knew when my mother would become unhappy or what would make her unhappy.
My aunt allowed her oldest son to physically abuse me. He also sexually abused me while I was in her care. When I informed her of the physical abuse, she ignored my pleas for help and told me to leave her alone. I can remember the feeling of fear as I walked back down to my basement where the kids were playing. I knew that I was powerless in that moment. See my other posts here and here regarding how she treated me.
The Accident
When I was a little older and living in another state from my aunt, she came to visit. During this visit, my mother still had to work, again she left me in my aunt’s care. Due to the stressful environment I was in, I ended up wetting myself.
I remember the layout of the bathroom clearly even though we have no pictures of it. My aunt decided to “teach me a lesson” and make me wash my clothes by hand in the bathtub while she stood over me with my cousin and watched me wash my dirty clothes. The washer and dryer were less than two feet away from the tub.
Apparently, bladder control can be learned and is not a medical malfunction of the body, at least according to my aunt.
Cows
Once when I was in high school, my mother walked past the bathroom I was using and informed me that I sounded like a “cow peeing on a rock.” I became very self conscious about using the bathroom within ear shot of her or anyone else after that.
Bible Camp
My mother sent me to a Christian summer camp for a week in 5th or 6th grade. Due to the issues I had with using public restrooms, let alone any restroom where someone could hear me, I got up well before anyone else and went to use the bathroom.
The rest of the girls got up and came into the bathroom while I was using it. They peered into the stall and made comments about the smell. We all poop. Why was my poop especially heinous? I will never know. Using public restrooms after that incident was something I avoided, especially for number two.
Healing
I have actually come a long way. I am able to use the bathroom like anyone else, no matter who is nearby. I still cannot believe that I have come so far and eradicated this irrational fear from my life.
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It seems that where you find one toxic person, you find another. As you start to realize what this toxicity looks like, your eyes open to all the toxicity you have been living with all this time.
Family Dynamics
In my family, there are four toxic people that I am aware of, see my toxic family tree here. It appears that there are at least four generations of mother and daughter relationship problems. Apart from my mother, my grandmother and my aunt are both toxic. My grandmother informed me that her mother and grandmother were not the best people either. I can only speculate that this toxicity has been passed down for a long time.
It is strange that this toxicity seems to only affect the women in the family, minus one male cousin, leaving the men unscathed as my mom has two brothers who do not exhibit this toxic behavior as far as I have seen.
Due to the toxic maternal influence, I was terrified to have a daughter, see my post here.
Control
Growing up my mom actually made me fear one of her brothers, my grandfather (my dad’s father), and most other men in the family. She projected her own sexual abuse onto me and I wish that I had understood that these men are good kind people and did not wish to hurt me. Unbeknown to her, I was sexually abused albeit by a cousin, my mom’s sisters son. The people she sought to protect me from were not the people hurting me. Her sister, mother and my cousin were the ones I needed to be protected from.
My mother was too weak to stand up to her sister and her mother and let herself be controlled. She projected that onto her children and she controlled us in anyway she could.
Reality
The reality is that my mother’s sister is what I call the “alpha narc.” My aunt has the control in that relationship. See my posts here and here regarding her treatment of me.
I have not figured out if my grandmother is a narcissist or just toxic. She is brutally honest to the point where I believe she crosses the line into cruelty. Whether this is a projection of her own issues or a learned behavior, it is almost understandable how my aunt and mother act based on their upbringing.
No Contact
I choose to be out of contact from all the toxic people in my family, see my posts about no contact here and here. Those that seek to disarm my peace and well being are removed from my life. It is unfortunate that I have had to block several social media accounts of family members that passed away because I knew my mother had access to them. My personal well being is of higher value than these toxic people. My children will not be subjected to the same abuse.
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I feel fortunate to have many loving people in my life. I do not believe that my mother will add value to my life, now or in the future. No matter how many people she has talked to regarding our relationship, the truth remains that I will no longer suffer at the hands of her abuse. No longer will I allow her to belittle my accomplishments, call me names, or try to impress her ideals for my persona on me. See my post here regarding my decision to go no contact and how hard that was.
The Idea
In general, it seems that most toxic parents have their own issues and demons they cannot confront. Instead of dealing with the problem they project the problem onto their children. I admit that I have done this before I sought therapy as it is a completely learned behavior. We have at least four generations of strained mother, daughter relationships in my family. I plan to have the first normal one in a long time!
I have been asked by several people if I wish to see my mother again. Honestly, I do not think it matters to me one way or another. I know our divide comes from years of emotional strain and abuse she is not even apologetic about.
The Clause
Perhaps difficult for her, the only way I would see my mother again would be if she regularly attends therapy and genuinely apologizes for everything. She apologized to me once, however, she needed to in order to progress through the steps of AA. I realized the apology was not genuine when she held it over my head years later, see my post here.
I am content either way. I know life is happy and will continue to be happy with or without my mother in it.
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Side note: I left all conversation in it’s raw form.
As a woman, you are told your entire life that your wedding is one of the most magical moments you will experience. That is until you actually start planning everything and the stress of the day piles up and consumes the fun. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people and arguments can happen.
My husband and I decided to have a Jack and Jill instead of a bridal shower. We are pretty simple people and our wedding was at our house to save some money. We chose a carnival theme for the jack and jill to raise money for our honeymoon since our wedding was paid for by my father and step mother.
Each booth was a game. There was no admission fee and all drinks and food was free.
I created an event on social media as well as a group for people that would be helping us out that day. Details about the event were supposed to be posted in the group not the event.
My Support System
My mother posted in the event. I can’t say for sure if this was intentional but my mother loves being recognized publicly for her contributions.
Her post was a description of a bulk candy lot from a site. She stated she would like to set up a candy booth. Since I had laid out all the plans in the group, she should have known that all the food was supposed to be free.
After her post drew some attention and stressed me out, my friends took action to defend me. At this point in my life I had not yet come to terms with the troubles within me and I did not feel equipped to handle the situation alone. Meanwhile, all the party guests got to witness her tirade in the event page.
The Conversation
Friend 1: “Where’d you copy this from? lol”
Mom: “Party Supplies Bulk Candy”
Friend 2: “Wait doesn’t this belong in another group? I thought this wasn’t for booth details”
Mom: ” idk waiting for [scarlet] to call”
Friend 2: “Why?”
Mom: “because i don’t know what i’m doing?
Friend 2: “Ya but there’s a seperate group to ask questions and put info like this. That’s easy to find isn’t it?”
Friend 1: “I’m not sure that this idea would work out too well for a couple of reasons.. [Scarlet] has a ticket system in place where you trade tickets for entry into a booth or event or w\e is going to be there. Not sure how you would be able to get this booth to work with that system. That and all the food is supposed to be free on that day.”
Friend 3: “I totally agree with you. It would be a bit weird given how the event is supposed to operate already.”
Friend 2: “I totally concur with you. It would be a bit strange since the event isn’t supposed to operate like that.”
Flying Monkey Cousin: “I think as [Scarlet’s] mother, [mom] was just making a suggestion and is trying to help…”
Friend 1: “Nah I get that, I’m just stating the facts though. The idea, as it sits, doesn’t fit the event in my honest opinion.”
The Backlash Begins
Mom: “so maybe i shouldn’t donate a $300 yeti cooler to raffle because it’s not a “basket””
Friend 3: “That doesn’t have anything to do with the candy booth. Unless now you are just going to use extortion to get the booth that doesn’t fit how the event runs.”
Me: “As Friend 1 said, the event has free food and all the booths are activities or games. I’m not sure how candy would fit into that although I appreciate the thought. No one else is donating booths really. Hubby and I are taking care of most of the games, it’s not necessary at all. Also, mom, you are being overly technical of the term basket. A friend is donating a cooler with camping stuff in it and that is their “basket”. In the future please post all basket raffle or booth related stuff in the group I made. This event page is meant to be for guests only.
The Private Response
My mother became enraged at her public dismissal by my friends. They defended my opinions and did not allow her to pressure her way into getting what she desired. It was my event after all. She sent me a private message meant to attack me personally.
Mom: “I didn’t know how all of this is suppose to work. I was trying to find something to be a part of everything. I am in tears because I never wanted to step on your toes by being too involved in your planning like so many mothers do spoiling it for their kids. I innocently posted an idea not knowing it would be such a problem making me look like an idiot. I am very hurt by your friends comments. I am NOT resorting to extortion. My point regarding the cooler was if giving away candy didn’t fit the planned venue how would a cooler instead of a basket fit in. I was being facetious because I didn’t expect someone to comment that way. I have limited funds, no car, still having seizures, dealing with aunt’s messed up estate, and just trying to cope. It was not my intention to have everybody in such an uproar including you with your seeming inured post that could have been posted here instead. I really don’t understand your lukewarm feelings towards me.. I asked you for forgiveness for the past and you said you forgave me but did you really? You have no idea how much I love you and want you to be happy. I am heartbroken over our lack of a normal mother/daughter relationship.”
Her Composure Weakens
I respond to her “Until you realize how you manipulate people then you cannot have a normal relationship with me. You raised me. We never had a “normal” mother daughter bond because of you. It’s not my fault. Never has been. Stop blaming other people for things. You push people away by causing drama and if you don’t see it that’s part of the problem.”
Several hours later her composure is gone and all her grand words are washed away by her fear that someone actually knows the truth. Not to mention that her long winded response was just plain fake and worded in such a way as to provoke me.
She responds without punctuation, you can almost feel the rage pulsing through her hurried words. “really who am i manipulating and what am i blaming people for thing specify the drama is this related to today or the past”
My Response
“You manipulate data. Never tell the truth or at least if you do speak truth you will release only portions of a story not the entirety of it. You blame me above for our relationship but really what love have you given me. You spat words of hurt and try to cover it up with humor. You missed your grandsons first birthday party because of some drama with [person she was dating]. It’s always some story. Some new drama. Thing is how can I really be sure when all you do is lie. This goes way back mom. Not just today. You like to make many statements you think are jokes but are not or you say them to be hurtful, I can’t be sure. Either way you play it off when it’s brought up. Example during [a] wedding. What in your mind made you want to say “[Scarlet], I have here in my purse the most important thing you should have during a wedding.” You opened it up and it was cigarettes. No one laughed, because it’s inappropriate. Another example. Thanksgiving. You had to make a point to invalidate Uncle as a minister because he “is a witch”. Then when I looked at you oddly, you tried to play it off as a joke, but you were not joking at all. You nicknamed me Big Bertha as a child. After telling you [friend] caused other kids to pick on m[e] at school, you decided to homeschool her at our house, what mom would bring a bully into their home after their child told them they were upset by their presence? Oh right a manipulative one. So there are your examples. I have more if you need. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. You are one.”
Mom: “so you are back in the past”
Me: “I’m exactly where I need to be”
Mom: “i’m done trying maybe in the years to come you will realize you have no clueas to what YOU have done”
Me: “I’ve done nothing. Keep on blaming people and you will see why you are alone” “You never try” “There’s your blame example hahha”
Mom: “i’m done with your hateful comments”
The Game
Shortly after, my mother, who was supposed to bring my grandmother to the jack and jill party called my grandmother up and stressed her out. My mother was helping make the basket she was donating and my mother refused to complete it for her. She called me all worried that she would not be able to come to the party. I told her we would find a way to make it work and to not worry about the basket.
I decided to tell my mom to stop her games and not to come to the party. At this point she basically embarrassed herself in front of all the guests anyway.
Around the same time a friend of mine from a different state was collecting donations for a fundraiser. I donated a tablet with a gift card to help out. I hate acknowledging this but it really is relevant. My friend ended up tagging me on social media which I wasn’t too happy about but I understand she was just very grateful for my support so I didn’t let it bother me.
Now back to my mother. My mother with her anger fueled heart decided to send the yeti cooler she planned to donate to the jack and jill to our mutual friend in another state. I know that this action was for several reasons. She was spiting me for not allowing her to come and for my friends publicly humiliating her. The second reason is simply to show me up. As my mom stated above, she is broke. So why spend so much money on something you can’t afford?
The Truth
Honestly, of all the outcomes this was beautiful. Someone got a very nice addition to their raffle. The unfortunate thing as the gift was given with hate, spite and ill intent. All that negativity did turn around into a positive in the end, at least for most of us it did.
The Jack and Jill was a lot of fun. I got pied in the face since my jar had the most money, thanks to my friends for that one! Despite all the issues leading up to the event, my grandmother was able to attend and everyone had a great time!
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After a busy day at work, planning out some things in my life, and taking care of my kids, I chose to take a day to reflect upon the days events.
Triggered
The noise behind the wall became impatient. Triggered by some of the days events, the thoughts of “No one understands” began to run wild. Fortunately, I know that no one can possible understand what I had been through, except for maybe my family, but even their experiences of events could be different.
I tried to connect with my youngest inner child to ask if she was holding up with all the chaos. Immediately, an angry, unruly inner being confronted me and was up in my face screaming inaudible words. My anxiety spiked. This was not the experience I expected when I connected to my young inner self.
Eventually, the anger relaxed as I tried to calm it by repeatedly explaining that, of course, no one understands. Of course, no one ever will, but that’s okay. Just because a person does not understand, does not mean a person does not care.
Realization
No matter who you are and what you have experienced, no person will ever know what you felt. Even if a person experiences similar emotions, has similar life events, it does not change the fact that their reaction and understanding will not be the same as yours. Your own understanding of events can change over time, morph into demons or become so distant in the mind that we barely remember it occurred.
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Today, while I was at work I began to feel anxiety. I had been lethargic all weekend. I needed to find out what was going on.
Earlier this morning, my inner child and I painted the wall vibrantly in many colors and patterns. In doing so , the anxiety temporarily subsided, but got gradually louder as the day progressed.
The Voice
After I picked up my daughter from daycare, I connected with my inner child on the way home. I asked her if she would go with me to the wall. She agreed.
As we approached the wall I began to sense what was on the other side. Anger, fear, confusion, and discontent emanated from the steel prison.
I wait. I listen. I feel.
At last comes a voice. “How could you understand? No one ever understands!”
Thoughts of the Past
I begin to decipher what this statement means and come to the conclusion that it must be related to my high school years. During those years, I had several friends that did not believe my mother could be this horrible monster I described.
My friends never saw her rage, gas lighting, extortionism, guilt tripping, and downright cruelty. Acts saved for the people closest to her, the ones that did not do as she asked, the ones that choose to shine light onto her black heart.
One day during the summer after I graduated from high school, I came home to a door with different locks. I climbed through the window, scraped my arm, and went to bed. Later on, she told me she did not expect me to break in and that she purposely locked me out. Somehow I ended up with a key, probably because she realized if I left she would lose her supply.
The Rebel
Being the defiant “brat” that I am, her words, I never shied away from telling her secrets. Defiance was not a choice. It was a journey to myself. I began living up to the unruly person she kept describing me as.
Her own power stripped by her own words!
As a young adult, I was forced to have long hair. When I was 18, I decided to chop it all off. It felt AMAZING and free. I no longer fit the persona she had been attempting to mold me into. I finally got to choose something about my own body!
Reflecting on the Future
The wall holds several keys to my success. Amazing parts of me such as my silliness and my desire to control everything in my life. Letting go of the wall will release my desires to control and my silliness. I know that by breaking down this wall of steel I will bloom and flourish in this life and hopefully the next.
