Category: Inner Child Work

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What happens when someone you chose to remove from your life passes on?

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The choice to remove someone from your life is not easy. The decision will be questioned everyday. It can be very hard for another to understand how hard it is to stop talking to someone you love. Someone you wanted to love you in the same unconditional way you love them but that person was unable to love back without causing great pain and turmoil in yourself.

The End

All things come to an end.

A day.
A week.
A month.
A year.

Each of the above pass by, beginning and ending again and again. Each ending comes with a sense of peace, growth and harmony. A life coming to an end is a more significant event than the end of a day. In death a person is at peace even if those closest are not at peace themselves.

This year has been a hard hit for my family. In December, my Grandma passed and although she lasted a lot longer than we expected it still hurt us very much. My mother-in-law passed shortly after in the springtime. That came as a surprise to us and we were not quite ready for it. Shortly after that, I found out the grandmother that I do not speak to was near the end of her journey on this planet.

The Decision

Deciding to refrain from visiting my grandmother before she passed came fairly easy. In life I chose to remove myself from her life. Why would death change that?

Death is not an ending but the beginning of your next chapter. When we meet again, I know my grandmother will have more clarity and understanding than she did in this world. I chose to love her from a distance in order to protect my own soul.

What did not come easily was being questioned about my decision. A few had good intentions and wanted to make sure I did not regret my decision, they supported whatever I decided one hundred percent. I wish I could explain my actions in a way to make everyone understand why but it is just not possible. No person will ever truly understand the grief, fear and other emotions I felt in the presence of those that were toxic to me.

Demons can be faced and overcome. The clarity that comes after facing your own demons allows you to apologize to those that you have wronged and forgive others that have wronged you. Forgiveness and apologies do not mean you will allow toxic behavior in your life. It simply means you have made peace with the byproduct of those toxicities within yourself.

Our human existence has a way of clouding our true potential for compassion for each other. My own mental cloud has not allowed me to be able to open myself up to the mental anguish my toxic family members put me through. From disguised insults to toxic gossip, I choose not to put up with the continual barrage of harmful and negative talk. I choose to live in the light instead of the dark and surround myself with those that brighten my life.

My Wish

I hope my Gram can find peace in the afterlife. I am aware of how much anxiety she had in this life and how that impacted how she treated people. Anxiety is the worst lens to view the world though. I understand her journey and wish her peace.

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Where are my inner children?

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In the last month, I have been decreasing my mood stabilizer and am weening from it. During this time, I have also gotten many tasks at work, been bombarded by the problems of others, my morality has been questioned and my coping skills have been put into action.

My EMDR therapist warned me that as I healed, my expanding energy would become a beacon for others. My eldest inner child originally built her Dracula tower to protect herself from energy suckers. Since my elder inner child has been unprotected from the outside, except for the protection I give, I feel that she may be protecting herself from the current constant bombardment by retreating for the time being.

The universe is testing me. From flat tires, to sick kids, withdrawal symptoms that floored me, and just the regular every day things I have to do as a mother, software developer, and wife; I have been busy but I have also been strong. I have gone through so many worse things than what is currently before me.

Disconnected

My last EMDR session was about me, not a past problem, but a current one. It felt interesting to have a topic in EMDR that was a current issue and not one from the past. I was comforted that a problem I was having was not tied to my mother, my aunt, or my grandmother. It was rather freeing to know that current life can be difficult. Difficult but not because of a reaction to some past event I cannot remember but still triggers me.

It has been quite some time, at least a few weeks since I have been able to connect to either of my inner children. This could mean that me being busy is preventing my inner children from coming forward or it could mean that they have integrated with me.

I believe it is the busyness that is preventing them from being contacted. They simply have no pressing issues and are stepping back; and are allowing me to accomplish what I need to without adding any additional problems to my plate.

Reconnecting

In time I will know for sure if they are integrated or are simply taking a step back. My eldest inner child did not with to rebuild her place of solitude and suppression. My younger inner child rebuilt then grew up only to be blocked by several things at an older age.

Coping

Despite losing touch with my inner children, I have been using my coping tools to get through each day. Day by day, even sometimes hour by hour. It has been hard, but I am getting stronger everyday.

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How can inner children change?

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I began connecting with my inner children at least daily since my last EMDR session.

Today was unique.

Both my inner children had significantly changed. The teen inner child was content not rebuilding the city. She had no immediate plans on how to address what was left in the now empty part of my heart she had building for so many years. My younger inner child, however, changed dramatically.

Growing Up

My younger inner child grew up. She now appeared as about age 11. Previously, she was around age 6. Curious about this, I asked my therapist why she would age. She had told me it could be due to her being trapped at age 6 and has moved on. She may now need to work through events that occurred at age 11.

Starting Over

After second grade we moved. I left behind the friends I had since I could remember and a family that was basically like a second family to me. They are the kindest and most caring people you will ever meet and I am blessed to have had them in my life as long as I did.

Along with moving came a new school. I stayed in the public school system for a few years until moving to a private school. I made some friends at the elementary school I attended and am still in contact with some. Again, they are some of the nicest people you could ever meet and are just genuine. Not everyone you meet is as genuine and kind.

A Bit of Background

When I was in public school I met a girl whom I was friends with until we moved, yet again. She was alright and we had fun together until I left the public school system. In fifth grade, I started at a private school. For a half a year everything seemed to be going well. I made friends and even though I was new, they for the most part welcomed me.

The friend I had from elementary school started at the private school. I am not sure what changed, but after that, there are several instances of the kids turning on me and bullying me.

After the bullying became too much to bear, my mother decided to home school my brother and I. Even though I had issues with this girl, my mother decided to home school her as well. I am not sure what thought process made my mother decide to home school someone that I had issues with but she did.

My mom knew all of my problems. She used my problems against me. Whether this was her intent or she was doing it to help someone else out and did not think about how it would affect her daughter.

My kids will never have to spend time with people that do not respect them. If they inform me of wrongdoing, those people will not see my children again. My son has made me proud. He does not take anyone’s shit. He even told me he would like to see my mother so that he could yell at her to be nice to me. His personality is very reflective of his name.

Reinforcing False Beliefs

I don’t think this girl from my childhood was inherently a bad person. I believe she had her own problems that she projected outward. In doing so, my false belief systems were reinforced.

I remember this girl always wanted to play with the “prettiest” doll that had the largest breasts but also the skinniest waist. She had some obsession with obtaining that impossible standard.

When we played together at my house, with my toys, she always picked the best toys for herself. I never objected as doing so may have brought on the same style of false retribution as my mother would have given me for speaking up.

Hearing that these impossible things were necessary from a friend, reinforced the false beliefs that I had to look impossibly perfect and have expensive things in order to be liked.

Uncomfortable Encounters

I have a few vivid still image memories when I was around the same age as my inner child is currently.

One afternoon, my dad and I were pulling into a fast food restaurant. I have no idea what these boys in the car next to us said about me, but my dad was very angry. I know it was related to my body, but not the exact words. The boys were old enough to drive. I was 11. Even now, I can feel how angry my dad was. All I can think is that it must have been terrible.

Around the same time, I was in the gym of my school and one of the boys commented on my breasts. They were not even large enough for a bra at the time but at the point that they were developing.

Connections

All these events are related to my dislike of the way I look and reinforced false beliefs my mother, aunt, and grandmother had instilled in me at a young age.

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A City in Ruin

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When I returned to the city, all the buildings had fallen, except one. My teen inner child had torn them all down one by one. We ran through the streets as she showed me everything she had torn down.

We stopped.

The Tower

Before us stood a tower resembling something a vampire would live in. The symbology of the tower is actually related to the life blood of her being sucked out. She built this fortress to protect herself from those that sought to take away all she is.

We slowly started to ascend the stairs to the tower. Each step bringing us closer and closer to the top.

The Helper

While we were ascending the stairs, my younger inner child appeared and began cleaning up the rubble left behind from the houses. Apparently she likes to stay busy building, fixing, and helping.

The Shock Wave

My therapist asked me if my teen inner child was willing to entertain the idea of letting all this go. When I asked her she flew out of the tower window and emitted a shock wave which immediately cleared all the rubble and sent my younger inner child flying out of the teen’s space.

The younger inner child began to argue with the teen and it took some time to explain that this was her space and while she was helpful trying to clean up. the teen is healing and that is part of her healing.

Appearance Change

My teen inner child landed in front of me facing away from me. She began to change. He long hair became tied up in a messy bun. Her dress changed into jeans and a hoodie, much like what I was wearing in therapy that day.

Imploding

After the teen changed her appearance she began to implode. All the energy she had left was being sent within. She did not wish to hurt the younger inner child again. My therapist directed her to let it out, rather than in.

Evasion

My teen inner child transformed into a detective and began dropping hints you might find in a certain board game you solve mysteries in. She was not owning up to her desire to let things go. She was dropping things in a way that did not require her to take ownership of it, but rather a puzzle for me to figure out.

The Tower Transforms

After some coaxing, the teen decided to transform the tower into a block stacking game where you move one piece at a time until it falls down. Apparently my teen inner child likes board games! She asked the young inner child and I to join her in playing until it collapses.

As of now, it still stands.

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The Black City

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See my posts about the noise within and the confrontation from behind the wall for background information on this post.

Revealed

After some coaxing during an EMDR session, my teen inner child surfaced. She is roughly 17/18 years old. She appeared meek and dressed as my mother wished me to in high school, long hair and dresses. I remember the dress she is wearing vividly. It was the dress I wore in my senior photo, black with red flowers. After she appeared the anxiety that was present before dissipated. She wished to be heard and now that she had she was no longer screaming for attention.

Behind The Wall

My teen inner child showed me what was left behind the wall after it fell, a desolate forgotten city with maze like streets filled with black Victorian style houses. The gray sky was littered with black ominous clouds. Something larger was off in the distance but it was too far to discern.

She explained that the Victorian style was related to my mother. My mother’s style preference is from the Victorian era and our childhood home had a museum feel. I was not even allowed to sit on a certain couch unless we had company!

This place was built by her. No one had ever been inside before.

Beginning the Transformation

I asked if she would like to paint anything. She agreed to paint the sky and the clouds. Unlike my younger inner child, see her story here, she painted the sky colors you would expect instead of a gradient sunset like my younger self.

There were so many houses you could see them in every direction for what seemed like miles. She told me some were built to contain a piece of her that was not allowed to be seen so that she could be “perfect” for her mother. Other houses contained bad memories she wished to forget.

My teen inner child showed me an image of a grand home that she would like to build for herself.

After some time she decided that repainting the houses would not get rid of any of the bad or free the good. She began to dismantle them one at a time.

See my post here regarding what started to happen after she dismantled all the houses.


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Why do I hate raw tomatoes?

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When I was a young child, I had several toxic people in my life, see my post here about the toxicity in families and my page with the toxic people in my family.

Control

I do not remember how old I was when this incident occurred. I do remember parts of it vividly, mainly my aunt looming over me.

When I was young, I did not like tomatoes. It is not uncommon for young children to have several food aversions. I have learned that hormones can change what you find palatable which explains why we like different things as we age.

While at my aunts house, in her care, I did not want to eat my tomatoes. I do not recall what else I was served.

Since I refused, she forced the tomatoes into my mouth. I threw them up because I didn’t chew them and her finger went down my throat.

Part of this memory is suppressed or lost because I truly believe it was severely traumatic for me.

The Present

Even though I have healed my youngest inner child, see my page here, I have yet to try raw tomatoes. I do not think I am ready yet to test my inner child in this task.

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Why do I have bladder issues?

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This is something I have struggled with my entire life until now. EMDR has actually made this issue almost completely disappear. Crazy, but amazing!

General stress

Things like irritable bowel syndrome, acid reflux, indigestion and other digestive upsets can be caused by stress.

My childhood was filled with stress. I never knew when my mother would become unhappy or what would make her unhappy.

My aunt allowed her oldest son to physically abuse me. He also sexually abused me while I was in her care. When I informed her of the physical abuse, she ignored my pleas for help and told me to leave her alone. I can remember the feeling of fear as I walked back down to my basement where the kids were playing. I knew that I was powerless in that moment. See my other posts here and here regarding how she treated me.

The Accident

When I was a little older and living in another state from my aunt, she came to visit. During this visit, my mother still had to work, again she left me in my aunt’s care. Due to the stressful environment I was in, I ended up wetting myself.

I remember the layout of the bathroom clearly even though we have no pictures of it. My aunt decided to “teach me a lesson” and make me wash my clothes by hand in the bathtub while she stood over me with my cousin and watched me wash my dirty clothes. The washer and dryer were less than two feet away from the tub.

Apparently, bladder control can be learned and is not a medical malfunction of the body, at least according to my aunt.

Cows

Once when I was in high school, my mother walked past the bathroom I was using and informed me that I sounded like a “cow peeing on a rock.” I became very self conscious about using the bathroom within ear shot of her or anyone else after that.

Bible Camp

My mother sent me to a Christian summer camp for a week in 5th or 6th grade. Due to the issues I had with using public restrooms, let alone any restroom where someone could hear me, I got up well before anyone else and went to use the bathroom.

The rest of the girls got up and came into the bathroom while I was using it. They peered into the stall and made comments about the smell. We all poop. Why was my poop especially heinous? I will never know. Using public restrooms after that incident was something I avoided, especially for number two.

Healing

I have actually come a long way. I am able to use the bathroom like anyone else, no matter who is nearby. I still cannot believe that I have come so far and eradicated this irrational fear from my life.

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Toxicity in Families

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It seems that where you find one toxic person, you find another. As you start to realize what this toxicity looks like, your eyes open to all the toxicity you have been living with all this time.

Family Dynamics

In my family, there are four toxic people that I am aware of, see my toxic family tree here. It appears that there are at least four generations of mother and daughter relationship problems. Apart from my mother, my grandmother and my aunt are both toxic. My grandmother informed me that her mother and grandmother were not the best people either. I can only speculate that this toxicity has been passed down for a long time.

It is strange that this toxicity seems to only affect the women in the family, minus one male cousin, leaving the men unscathed as my mom has two brothers who do not exhibit this toxic behavior as far as I have seen.

Due to the toxic maternal influence, I was terrified to have a daughter, see my post here.

Control

Growing up my mom actually made me fear one of her brothers, my grandfather (my dad’s father), and most other men in the family. She projected her own sexual abuse onto me and I wish that I had understood that these men are good kind people and did not wish to hurt me. Unbeknown to her, I was sexually abused albeit by a cousin, my mom’s sisters son. The people she sought to protect me from were not the people hurting me. Her sister, mother and my cousin were the ones I needed to be protected from.

My mother was too weak to stand up to her sister and her mother and let herself be controlled. She projected that onto her children and she controlled us in anyway she could.

Reality

The reality is that my mother’s sister is what I call the “alpha narc.” My aunt has the control in that relationship. See my posts here and here regarding her treatment of me.

I have not figured out if my grandmother is a narcissist or just toxic. She is brutally honest to the point where I believe she crosses the line into cruelty. Whether this is a projection of her own issues or a learned behavior, it is almost understandable how my aunt and mother act based on their upbringing.

No Contact

I choose to be out of contact from all the toxic people in my family, see my posts about no contact here and here. Those that seek to disarm my peace and well being are removed from my life. It is unfortunate that I have had to block several social media accounts of family members that passed away because I knew my mother had access to them. My personal well being is of higher value than these toxic people. My children will not be subjected to the same abuse.

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A Confrontation

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After a busy day at work, planning out some things in my life, and taking care of my kids, I chose to take a day to reflect upon the days events.

Triggered

The noise behind the wall became impatient. Triggered by some of the days events, the thoughts of “No one understands” began to run wild. Fortunately, I know that no one can possible understand what I had been through, except for maybe my family, but even their experiences of events could be different.

I tried to connect with my youngest inner child to ask if she was holding up with all the chaos. Immediately, an angry, unruly inner being confronted me and was up in my face screaming inaudible words. My anxiety spiked. This was not the experience I expected when I connected to my young inner self.

Eventually, the anger relaxed as I tried to calm it by repeatedly explaining that, of course, no one understands. Of course, no one ever will, but that’s okay. Just because a person does not understand, does not mean a person does not care.

Realization

No matter who you are and what you have experienced, no person will ever know what you felt. Even if a person experiences similar emotions, has similar life events, it does not change the fact that their reaction and understanding will not be the same as yours. Your own understanding of events can change over time, morph into demons or become so distant in the mind that we barely remember it occurred.

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The Noise Within

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Today, while I was at work I began to feel anxiety. I had been lethargic all weekend. I needed to find out what was going on.

Earlier this morning, my inner child and I painted the wall vibrantly in many colors and patterns. In doing so , the anxiety temporarily subsided, but got gradually louder as the day progressed.

The Voice

After I picked up my daughter from daycare, I connected with my inner child on the way home. I asked her if she would go with me to the wall. She agreed.

As we approached the wall I began to sense what was on the other side. Anger, fear, confusion, and discontent emanated from the steel prison.

I wait. I listen. I feel.

At last comes a voice. “How could you understand? No one ever understands!”

Thoughts of the Past

I begin to decipher what this statement means and come to the conclusion that it must be related to my high school years. During those years, I had several friends that did not believe my mother could be this horrible monster I described.

My friends never saw her rage, gas lighting, extortionism, guilt tripping, and downright cruelty. Acts saved for the people closest to her, the ones that did not do as she asked, the ones that choose to shine light onto her black heart.

One day during the summer after I graduated from high school, I came home to a door with different locks. I climbed through the window, scraped my arm, and went to bed. Later on, she told me she did not expect me to break in and that she purposely locked me out. Somehow I ended up with a key, probably because she realized if I left she would lose her supply.

The Rebel

Being the defiant “brat” that I am, her words, I never shied away from telling her secrets. Defiance was not a choice. It was a journey to myself. I began living up to the unruly person she kept describing me as.

Her own power stripped by her own words!

As a young adult, I was forced to have long hair. When I was 18, I decided to chop it all off. It felt AMAZING and free. I no longer fit the persona she had been attempting to mold me into. I finally got to choose something about my own body!

Reflecting on the Future

The wall holds several keys to my success. Amazing parts of me such as my silliness and my desire to control everything in my life. Letting go of the wall will release my desires to control and my silliness. I know that by breaking down this wall of steel I will bloom and flourish in this life and hopefully the next.